This whole blog thing is a bit strange to me. Since DH started his blog I have been playing with the idea of writing one myself and have really not been convinced that I had anything to say that hadn’t already been said before. You see we have Male Factor Infertility and so who cares about my story it is DH’s story… isn’t it?
But this morning I was reading someone’s blog and felt compelled to comment and once I started writing my thoughts and feelings down, I suddenly knew that I have a story to tell too. I’m going through this too and today isn’t one of the best days on this ‘journey’ so maybe not a good place to start, but here I am. I’m not sure I want to share this story with people who know me, so for now I won’t be advertising my blog and will be trying to avoid putting in any identifiers.
I suspect that this may not be pretty and I’m still afraid of my feelings around infertility and the journey we have to travel and I don’t know if I want anyone who actually knows me to see this side of me. I know I have had some of the most uncharitable thoughts of my life since starting this and while I know I’m a b&tch at the best of times, I’m not sure I want everyone to know just how bad it is? Does that make any sense? Maybe with time I will come to terms with some of these emotions and learn how to moderate myself a little, but for now I want this to be like a diary.
From my first day of grade 8 I started a diary right up to the day I lost my virginity. After that it turned into more of a journal, a place of occasional writing when emotions were highest and things needed to come out. I wrote for the better part of 11 years. My diary was my counselor and therapist, by writing it down I could put it in perspective… and then fell in love with DH. Since then (the last 13 years) I’ve felt balanced, in control and no longer had the need to write.
Until this desire to be a mother started and completely overwhelmed me and took away my sense of control and stability and left me on an emotional rollercoaster ride that I really do want to get off. So I don’t want to see a therapist, so let’s see if a blog can take the place of a journal.