Not Feeling Top of the Pops

Thursday was the start of the downer. It seems that I went from angry at the world while writing my post on Thursday evening to just really sad. I woke up at 2am on Friday morning – partly worrying about a big presentation at work and part just playing over and over in my brain how I’m loosing hope. Eventually at around 4am I got up and watched ‘Brothers and Sisters‘ to take my mind off the viscous round about.

What’s going on here? Where did the positivity go?

I know that second baseline or sneaky mid ‘cycle’ testosterone test was just a number and we won’t know anything until the next test in a little over a week, but somehow it’s eating at me. I’m thinking that maybe the injections just aren’t working and that’s why there was no significant difference between the first baseline test and the one we did last week. I’m thinking this isn’t going to give me my dream of carrying my DHs life inside me – and that makes me so sad.

I cried all the way to work on Friday morning and at one stage I wasn’t sure how I was going to do a presentation while I was leaking from the eyes. I was all set to email my IF buddies and ask for advice on how I get through the day. But luckily my job excites me and once I was there I managed to get my head back on.

This morning I woke up with leaking eyes again. I was going through my summer wardrobe trying to see what still fits me (I’ve lost over 16kgs since starting TTC). Nothing really fits and I kept thinking how each top I tried on would make a great maternity top. Poor DH just said don’t worry we’ll get you knocked up one way or another. When’s my turn going to come?


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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