Silly bugger! My DH is not the insensitive type, he doesn’t often say dumb things, unless he is purposely trying to wind me up – which he does on a regular basis. But last night the “is that why the tears?’ comment when AF arrived really left me wanting to punch his lights out!
Wow it really hasn’t been my best week!
Since the pregnancy announcement last Thursday I’ve been on a bit of a downer. Had a baby shower on Saturday, which I promised myself I wouldn’t go to if I was having a bad day. Well it wasn’t one of my best, but not a bad day and I even managed to survive the whole party. It did help that while people were commenting on the HUGE bump of both my SIL and the girl who’s shower it was, they were commenting on how they didn’t recognise me cause I’d ‘lost soooo much weight!’ 🙂
Sunday SIL went into labour and while hubby spent the night at the hospital with his folks waiting for the little one to arrive, I was home not sleeping! I managed to doze off around midnight, but at 1.30am I was wide awake, waiting for news and then, when it came I was wide awake wondering if it’s possible to be jealous of someone whose life you would not want under any circumstances??? When DH got home at 4am, I knew I wasn’t going to get back to sleep and resorted to Brothers and Sisters again!
Now I am one of those people who needs nine (yes 9) hours sleep a night. On eight hours I’m tired, on seven hours I’m grumpy and any less than that and I am worse than a bear with a sore head. So you can imagine on 1.5 hours how I was feeling yesterday. Getting through the day at work was tough. I came home early and tried to nap, but the phone kept ringing! And by the time we went to the hospital to see SILs baby I was an emotional wreck.
In that state on that day the maternity wing of a hospital was about the worst place I could have gone. Beautiful, tiny, precious, heart wrenching babies everywhere!
I looked at DHs folks with their first grandchild and kept thinking that as DH is the oldest their first grandchild this should have been his child! Worst of all I kept thinking that if these injections don’t work even if I get pregnant, my baby still won’t ‘really’ be their grandchild. That made me so sad, for them, for me, but most of all for DH. His family are so central to our lives. We spend so much time with them. They are so important to him and I hate the thought that our child might not really be part of their family.
Now firstly I think I should stop obsessing about the bad and hold out at least a little hope for these injections at least until I get the bad news. There is every chance the injections are working and we will – in time – have baby, our own biological baby, hmm I’m not convincing myself here!
But secondly and most importantly, I should have more faith in his folks. My in-laws are amazing. They have been so supportive through this, they don’t ask questions, they don’t push, but they really understand without us having to say anything. They love me like a daughter – not like their own daughter, but like a daughter. Why do I think they would love our child any less, just because it isn’t DHs biological child. I just can’t bear the thought of my child being loved less by these amazing people than they love their biological grandchild. Does that make sense to anyone else?
And so I was sad and ended up in tears at the hospital…
And when we got home AF came to visit.
I wasn’t crying because AF came to visit. I have gotten over the hope. I expect her now, those days of crying in disappointment are gone for now, it’s just par for the course when she arrives.
So NO AF is not why there were tears you silly bugger!