One track mind

It really astounds me how much this TTC journey has all consumed me. I used to have many and varied thought processes. I would spend my hours flitting from one thought to another which could range from things as diverse as what’s for dinner tonight to our next 4×4 camping weekend to hobbies to…

Let’s translate all those into my TTC brain.

What’s for dinner tonight? The thoughts go along these lines. I’m feeling down because I don’t have any faith left that these injections are going to work… so I don’t feel like cooking anything… but rather feeling completely sorry for myself. But if I don’t cook we’ll probably end up eating take out and then I’ll get fat(ter) and when I do eventually get pregnant no one will know I’m pregnant because my stomach is always round like I swallowed a watermelon. So I should cook something. Back to what should we have for dinner? What about some chicken breasts with… I really must make sure there are some leafy green veggies in whatever we eat, they have follic acid and that’s essential for baby’s development… not to mention that Bee (my herbalist) suggested DH also have follic acid as it’s good for sperm production. Hmm I fancy a lime and soda with dinner, oh there in the fridge are the injections… only one more to go and then we will know… are they working… what if I can never have my DHs biological child… I’m so down I just don’t feel like cooking… must eat healthily, it takes 90 days for eggs to develop… so need to be good now… and round and round we go!

We really should get away for a weekend, it’s so good for the soul… not to mention that it might just help to take our minds off TTC. Let’s pack up the 4×4 and hit the road… we should do more of these impromptu get aways cause (hopefully) soon we’ll have a little one and it will be harder to just hit the road… where are we going to fit the car seat in amongst all the camping gear… not to mention all the nappies etc… I can’t wait until we are taking the kids away, showing them the wonders of the great outdoors in this amazing country we live in. Maybe we should plan a trip to Kruger again… or Addo… all those Elephant… and the babies… they remind me of the trip to Kruger earlier this year, when AF arrived 6 days late for the first time in my life and I was so sure I was pregnant… I took that photo of that baby Ellie with attitude and I was going to print it for the baby’s room. That was back when I thought we might just have sperm… I wonder if the injections are working… if we went away we would have to be careful with the pregnyl or menopur injections so we don’t freeze them in the camping fridge, but they have to be kept cold… I wonder if we will have to worry about injections for our next camping trip. And around and around we go again.

A couple of weeks ago, I went around to a new friend’s house. her and her hubby are bog into their hobbies and even have a hobby workshop. We got jealous and decided to do the same with our workshop. But what hobby to take up. DH has interests, but I’ve never really had hobbies. So what hobby??? I know what about sewing, I could make myself another dress (hopefully it would fit this time, the last one was way too big!)… but if I get pregnant it won’t fit for long anyway, so maybe I should make some cushion covers for those tatty cushions… They would be great in guest room… one day it will be the nursery. Maybe I should take up stenciling… I could stencil a table cloth with gemsbok to match the photo in the dinning room… oh I so dream of stenciling animal themes for the nursery… I can see it on the chest of drawers… on the cot bumper… on the lampshade… Okay, what about trying some carving… I could make a sign for my nieces’ bedroom door or a photo frame for her baby photos… I could make some wooden animals for the kids to play with… OMG… how did we end up back here AGAIN?

I’ve heard that when you are pregnant babies eat brains and that the average pregnant woman looses up to 6% of the weight of her brain while she is pregnant. But what about the TTC brain? It seems I have a one track mind that just can’t be swayed, not matter what I try to do to distract myself from this treatment and the test results on Tuesday, I just keep coming back to my (one day) baby!


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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2 Responses to One track mind

  1. skrambled says:

    Great post! I have had the same experience.

  2. Lisa says:

    I completely relate to the thoughts always returning to something infertility/pregnancy related. It is a constant battle to focus on more positive things and not dwell on the unknown.

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