Hope for the Best – Prepare for the Worst!

One more sleep. Well I’m hoping to get some sleep tonight anyway.

I seem to have spent the whole weekend alternating between trying desperately to think of anything but our FS appointment tomorrow and doing nothing but thinking about it. Actually I’m not thinking about the appointment half as much as I’m thinking about the outcome and our possible POAs.

On the avoiding side, DH and I cleared out his workshop, which truth be told had turned into a store room over the last year or so, and went hobby shopping.

Now DH actually has loads of hobbies, you can read all about his passion for photography in one of his recent blog posts. In addition to that he adores his 4×4, calls it his sexy beast! Then there’s sketching (although he hasn’t done much in years), reading, blogging, scuba (again the water’s too cold in Cape Town so none of that since our return), snorkeling, wildlife and fiddling. No that’s not dirty, I mean he loves to do ‘stuff’. It’s great it means the DIY in our house is done by someone who actually has some idea what he’s doing – my dad can’t even change a light bulb (but he is vertically challenged!) Now he has taken up wood work. We bought a dremmel thing with loads of attachments, some carving knives and he was off.

I lack staying power. I can’t really stick to just one thing for very long. I get bored. earlier this year I got a bee in my bonnet that I wanted to make some clothes (before I lost the weight I couldn’t find clothes in the shops to fit me). I did manage to finish one dress, but never sewed the old one back up that I had used as a pattern. Then I decided to knit a scarf, it’s only the size of a hanky! Though the problem with the scarf was that I couldn’t get the image of knitting a blanket for my one-day baby out my head and that made the whole scarf thing very boring.

So when we agreed that we need some hobbies to distract our minds from the endless infertility round-about, DH had loads of ideas in his head of what he could fill his time with. I had none!! I don’t want just one hobby – I know I’ll just give it up in very little time. So I made a start this weekend. I sewed a table cloth for our patio table (I keep hoping summer will come to Cape Town and we’ll get to have braais again soon) and I painted a t-shirt. Actually I made a stencil and then painted the t-shirt. And both projects turned out okay! So I went a bought some more fabric and I’m going to make a table cloth for the dinning room next, one with a border and possibly some stenciling too! See… grand plans, let’s see where I am in a months time!

And then there was the part of my brain that quite simply couldn’t let go of the test and the outcome. I spent every minute I wasn’t crafting scanning every blog or website out there in the hopes of finding someone, anyone who has what my DH has and has a happy story of success to tell.

How can there be no one? Not a single person who has secondary hypogonadism and a blog to tell us their story? Come on!

When that failed me completely I turned to research on using donor sperm. I guess I’m hoping for the best but preparing myself for the worst and so am starting to get my ducks in a row for what might come next.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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3 Responses to Hope for the Best – Prepare for the Worst!

  1. maryna says:

    I’m thinking of you and DH – all the best for those test results xxx

  2. Lesley says:

    Our hobby room also has a dremmel thingie. Arts ‘n Crafts are a great distraction, dying to see your tablecloths, please bring with on Thursday?

    Best of luck for tomorrow, hoping you’ll be pleasantely surprised.

  3. annacyclopedia says:

    Hi – I just found your blog through the LFCA, although I had started reading your husband’s blog a short while back. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you hope in the form of someone who has the same diagnosis and has had success, but I can definitely relate to feeling very alone in your situation. I’m currently pregnant after DI – we decided to use donor sperm because my husband’s vasectomy reversal failed, and for various reasons just didn’t feel IVF was for us, even if it would have been possible, which I’m not sure about since he had a history of infections which could have seriously damaged his sperm or impaired production. Anyway, I remember when I started blogging I was desperate to find someone who had chosen DI rather than pursued it as a sort of last resort after failed IVF/ICSI. It’s so hard to feel like you are the only one struggling with particular questions. And I can also relate to the long struggle – for us it was a matter of waiting for surgery and then SA results over the course of yet another year. I remember feeling so frustrated that we couldn’t even try, even though I was longing so deeply for a baby, and not even knowing if I could call myself infertile – not feeling like I belonged anywhere. Waiting was really one of the hardest parts for me – much harder than coming to terms with the decision to use donor sperm, for example.

    For me, that has faded over time – partly out of necessity, since I’ve never found anyone who has the same story as we do, and partly because as I’ve found connections in blogland, I have felt that it is possible to transcend those differences and still feel understood. I guess for me being understood was more important than getting information – I don’t presume to know whether the same is true of you.

    But I truly hope that you find the answers you are looking for, and that you can find peace with whatever answers come your way. If you ever want to talk about donor issues, I’m here.

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