Wow that wasn’t a good place I was at earlier this week. I can’t remember the last time I was that angry and I have to say even three days later it has’t faded completely. Aren’t these specialists supposed to realise what we are going through on this IF journey? Don’t they know how to manage their patients expectations? And the silly idiot tried to deny that he had ever said we would be in a position to make a decision in four weeks! Anyway I might have to come back to him on another post, if I don’t settle down on the topic in a few days.
Today I don’t want to concentrate on the cloud, but rather want to talk about the silver lining.
You see I woke up Wednesday morning and there was light in the sky and driving into the most beautiful city in the world to work I watched as the sun rose and shone this perfect yellow light onto the mountain. And I did some thinking…
On Tuesday night as I lay in bed crying, I asked DH how come he was taking the disappointment so much better than I was and he said it is because all I am seeing is a delay, but what he sees is that it isn’t bad news. I wasn’t so convinced on Tuesday, but since then I’ve thought about it over and over and he’s right (yes dear you’re right AGAIN!). This isn’t bad news. There is still hope that I will carry my DH’s baby inside me with his perfect nose (well I think so anyway). So while I am still chaffing at the bit to be pregnant, that image of my one-day baby’s nose* is worth waiting for.
There is another reason my cloud has a silver lining. The amazing women I have met in recent months due to this journey.
I went along to a coffee morning with some of the ladies on Fertilicare a couple of months back. I hadn’t been on the forum very long and wasn’t too sure I wanted to actually meet anyone from the forum. In particular I wasn’t too sure I wanted them to be able to put a face to the person who sometimes didn’t have the most positive outlook on life. Also I really wasn’t up for going to a ‘pity-party’, at the time I was feeling more than sorry enough for myself without feeling sorry for someone else. DH convinced me to stop being so anti-social and go along, so I nervously did. I really needn’t have worried. We had such an awesome laugh. Yes we talked about our infertility, but overall the feeling was of hope and support.
Since then, I’ve managed to come out my anti-social shell and feel that I really have the beginnings of some amazing friendships. We’ve formed a book club and I’ve had coffee and lunch and croissant dates. These women have been amazing for me. They have been through the mill. Everyone has a different story – no two stories are exactly the same, but there is real understanding.
On Tuesday after our FS appointment I called one of them and just cried on the phone. She was fantastic, none of those stupid platitudes like “don’t worry”, “it will be fine” or “just be patient and your turn will come”. Now I’m a bit of a control freak and don’t like people to see me cry – my normal response is anger not tears, but here I was crying to someone who I’ve only known a few weeks and not even feeling uncomfortable about it.
I got home to find I had emails and messages of well wishes from so many ladies who knew we had had our appointment. They were thinking of us and hoping for us and praying for us and wishing us well.
On Wednesday I went for lunch and as we chatted over our salads, I just kept thinking about how great it was to be sat opposite someone who wasn’t judging me for my uncharitable thoughts, who didn’t think I was completely off my rocker (or maybe she did but was very polite?) and who was able to give me sound advice. But most important of all who was also willing to share her experiences and thoughts and feelings, it wasn’t just all me me me like it is in my head (and here in blogland).
Last night was book club night and we chatted and laughed and had such a ball that it was after eleven before we even thought about what the time might be and that maybe we should be heading home. Yes, that’s right after eleven on a ‘school’ night! Again we talked about our infertility, our treatments or plans and feelings and crazy experiences , but we also shared recipes and talked movies and hobbies and dogs and hubbies… oh yes and for five minutes we even talked books!
Who would have thought that the toughest time of my life would bring me new friends? These new friends have been so good for me and I really appreciate the friendship and kindness they offer in these tough times.
So I am back in the better place again, feeling stronger and ready to take on the next four week wait to the next test. And the one after that and the one after that if needs be. Because I know that if I fall and crack these friends will be there to help pick up the pieces and will recognise which piece goes where and will help to put me back together again!
*The nose thing is because I suddenly realised that while we can chose a donor’s hair colour, eye colour, height, weight and blood group, I won’t know what his nose looks like! Imagine if two people with small noses have a big nosed baby! Silly I know in the grand scheme of things to fixate on a nose, but I definitely have a touch of crazy in me.