Pan.dora’s Box

Pan.dora's BoxI can hear DH quoting ‘Notting Hill’ the movie… “I once knew a girl named Pan.dora, I never got to see her box”

Well a little more than 13 years ago I wrote the following in my journal. Less than three weeks after our first fateful kiss.

I have committed myself to a man who probably can’t and possibly may never have children. I can see that children, or the lack thereof, is going to be one of the hardest things DH and I will have to deal with

Who would have thought a 21 year old could be that insightful? And then we just never really seemed to talk about children again. It’s like we put it in the too hard box and simply didn’t open the box again until early this year.

Well we did talk about kids from time to time, but mostly about adpoting and truth be told most often about how kids would create such upheaval and how we were far too selfish to bring kids into our lives. I’ve thought often over the years that we ‘decided’ not to have kids because we knew we couldn’t and made our lives based on that notion.

It seems that when my sister-in-law and my BFF both fell pregnant within weeks of each other the reality of living without kids overwhelmed me. The night my SIL announced her pregnancy DH and I lay in bed, both wide awake and in silence. I was crying silently trying desperately not to let DH know how sad I was at the thought of us never having the amazing experience. I cried the whole way to work the next day, I cried the whole way home from work too. I felt so selfish, I certainly wasn’t celebrating with my SIL, I was far too jealous for that.

When that Sunday I eventually phoned my BFF (she lives in the UK) to tell her about my sadness, I was in tears and a mess and telling her how my heart was broken because my SIL was pregnant and I was overwhelmed by the most nasty jealousy. She said “well then you’re not going to like our news”. I really felt my world collapse. I felt like the worst friend in the world, because once again, I didn’t know how to celebrate with my friend

DH and I talk about everything and I can’t keep secrets from him. He is my best friend in the whole world. He is the only person who knows me 100%, every pimple, scar and nasty aspect of me and yet he loves me anyway. So on a fateful afternoon when I got home from work, we sat on the patio and I told him I was sad that we had never even tried to see if we could also have a family. And that opened Pan.dora’s Box… and here I sit now with all these nasty feelings towards people who have babies so easily, who are blessed with a family within moments of wanting one and the only thing I have left is hope. Hope that oneday (soon) we too will be blessed.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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One Response to Pan.dora’s Box

  1. I knew going into my relationship at 18 with my husband that he probably couldn’t have children either. He had Hodgkins Disease as a teenager and had been told that the chemo would likely cause infertility. I felt much like you did and it is amazing how even at a young age you can still understand that the road won’t be easy.

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