I know it’s been a while again, but there are a whole bunch of reasons. Firstly work has been crazy busy and I have been struggling to find time to just spend with my darling man when I am awake, so not much time to blog. Also I have been trying different approaches to distracting myself and top of the list has been simply staying away from Fertilicare Forum and all other Baby Making related things. It hasn’t really worked, so here I am back in Blogland.
I’m fairly sure that at least a significant part of my current state of mind is driven by being overworked and over stressed, but I am just sick and tired of feeling miserable. I’m tired of struggling not to cry, I’m tired of trying to appear cheerful… I’m just tired.
So the thing today that is bringing me down is one of those crazy IF things. One of those things that really shouldn’t matter and doesn’t make me seem the nicest person, but it’s just the way it is.
You see my folks are coming down to Cape Town for the Festive Season. The whole family is joining us for Christmas. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family, having them around and getting to share Christmas with both my and Hoplessly’s families at the same time.
But I keep picturing my mom holding my little niece and it breaks my heart. I keep picturing my dad going all coo-ey at her and it makes me angry. I keep seeing my sister holding her or my brother talking to her, or my step-mother changing her nappy and I can’t help but cry. It’s not fair. And it’s horrible to say, but I am so jealous that I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I want all of that to be for OUR child.
I could rant on and on about how this isn’t fair and how angry and frustrated and sad I am, but it’s just not going to change anything and besides I’m just too tired for all that.