The stupid things that make me cry

I know it’s been a while again, but there are a whole bunch of reasons. Firstly work has been crazy busy and I have been struggling to find time to just spend with my darling man when I am awake, so not much time to blog. Also I have been trying different approaches to distracting myself and top of the list has been simply staying away from Fertilicare Forum and all other Baby Making related things. It hasn’t really worked, so here I am back in Blogland.

I’m fairly sure that at least a significant part of my current state of mind is driven by being overworked and over stressed, but I am just sick and tired of feeling miserable. I’m tired of struggling not to cry, I’m tired of trying to appear cheerful… I’m just tired.

So the thing today that is bringing me down is one of those crazy IF things. One of those things that really shouldn’t matter and doesn’t make me seem the nicest person, but it’s just the way it is.

You see my folks are coming down to Cape Town for the Festive Season. The whole family is joining us for Christmas. I’m really looking forward to seeing my family, having them around and getting to share Christmas with both my and Hoplessly’s families at the same time.

But I keep picturing my mom holding my little niece and it breaks my heart. I keep picturing my dad going all coo-ey at her and it makes me angry. I keep seeing my sister holding her or my brother talking to her, or my step-mother changing her nappy and I can’t help but cry. It’s not fair. And it’s horrible to say, but I am so jealous that I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I want all of that to be for OUR child.

I could rant on and on about how this isn’t fair and how angry and frustrated and sad I am, but it’s just not going to change anything and besides I’m just too tired for all that.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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5 Responses to The stupid things that make me cry

  1. KK says:

    If that’s a crazy IF thing, then I am right there with you. One of the latest for me was my mom telling me that my grandmother commented recently that she hopes that she gets the chance to take a photograph of my grandfather and a great-grandchild (there are none yet) in this one particular sweater of my grandfathers (that is featured heavily in photos of my generation — grandkids — with him). Thanks for that pressure to now also fulfill my grandmother’s wishes. Ugh.

    I hope that work eases up for you soon so you can enjoy some more time with your darling man soon. 🙂

  2. ttcnot2easy says:

    I know how you are feeling. I know exactly. It’s so hard to hide that jealousy and I’m sometimes sure that it is like a bright light around me. I don’t know what to say to you to make it better or help it go away – because I honestly don’t know myself.
    I’m sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you mend.
    Sending you a beeeg cyberhug.

  3. Mash says:

    I had the same, when my first niece was born, and then my sister and I were trying at the same time and now my second niece is like 6 months old or something. This is my younger sister, and I felt robbed of having the first grandchild! But I must say, I found that when I am actually with my nieces, I enjoy playing with them so much that my own story takes a backseat. They just say and do the funniest things. I’ve been trying really hard not to focus on the fact that there are no guarantees that we will ever experience the same thing. All I can say is hang in there, we are here for you!

  4. bratty says:

    I am so sorry you are feeling that way…..and I have no words that will bring you comfort. So I am going to send you some positive vibes and good wishes….And next time you smile, remember it is an early Xmas gift from the Brat…smile

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