I always have song in my head, sometimes it’s just a song I’ve heard recently, or triggered by something someone has said. But then sometimes it’s seems to be a song is talking to me, giving me a message. We’ve had my family staying with us over the festive season and my Mom and Dad are still with us for another two days (yes I am counting). I’ve already told you how special my dad is and some of the issues I have with my mom, but yesterday brought it all out AGAIN.
Hopelessly took my Dad, FIL, BIL and his best friend (Scary Hairy) to the cricket and I took a day’s leave to spend with my Mom. Figured we could do girlie things and maybe it would be good for us to spend some time alone together, maybe start to get beyond the past. Hmmm… The days of fighting and arguing and ugliness seemt o be behind us, but now we can’t seem to make any conversation at all. I mean we went shopping and then for lunch and we were like one of those couples who sit opposite each other and look anywhere but at each other and say nothing to each other, except, ‘hmm my food is great, how is yours?’
Anyway the one thing I really wanted to get out of her I got.
My mom had a hysterectomy at the age of 30, told me she had cancer, it was invasive and was going to kill her if she didn’t have the op. I was 13 and terrified. My mom is a total hypochondriac and has had almost every illness that exists. A couple of years ago I was chatting to my Dad about her illnesses and the fact that with her medical aid was probably so expensive because of her medical history he said ‘what history’, so I said ‘well all the cancer’ (she also told me she had a cancerous lump in her breast which had to be removed (actually that happened twice)). My Dad frowned and said what cancer, I’ve never heard of your mom having cancer. So ever since I’ve been wondering. And obviously with TTC I have been worried that she had something which may have been genetic and passed on to me that would just complicate our journey even more. So I took the opportunity to ask over lunch yesterday why she had a hysterectomy so young and she said she had a fibrous uterus and so had it removed.
What kind of sick woman scares the crap out of her child aged 13 by saying she is dying, and then does it again when I was 19, then again when I was 23! And so that’s why this song is going around and around in my head this morning and I’m not ready to make nice!
Forgive, sounds good
I don’t think so, I mean I don’t want to carry all this anger around with me for the rest of my life and it sucks feeling the way I do about my mother
Forget, I’m not sure I could
I know I can’t forget, it seems that everytime I think enough time has passed for us to get beyond all the things that have gone before, something else comes up to remind me, another story, another occassion
They say time heals everything
How much time?
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I used to think that I was the problem, that I needed to make peace with our relationship, that I was causing the history to live between us like some kind of nasty ghost.
I’ve paid a price
A childhood which brought me up thinking I was terrible, a horrible person, I hated myself, only the love of Hopelessly has taught me that actually there is something to love.
And I’ll keep paying
I’ll probably always carry the guilt with me, I’ll probably be wracked by terrible guilt when she dies for not being a better daughter, for not forgiving and forgetting and letting us have the kind of relationship that I hear other people have with their mothers.
I’m not ready to make nice
I don’t want to pretend that everything is great, that we LIKE each other and I WON’T say that I’ll miss her when she’s gone.
I’m not ready to back down
I’m always the one does the crawling back and trying again.
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
Goodness where on earth did all this anger come from!
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
Okay, that’s enough I’m beginning to sound like one of those high maintenance slightly psychotic women. It’s out my system now.