I got lost

A couple of weeks ago I promised that I would try to be a Shiny Happy Person Laughing (A Lot).  It was a great plan, but typically no sooner had I put it in writing then I started to have a hard time living up to it.  And in fact I’ve not been posting much because the last thing I want to do is just whinge and complain.   And then I saw that someone loves me and worries about me, because there on Lost and Found today was a little message saying I was having a rough time and for people to come over and give me “some kind words”.  If you’re here from that THANK YOU!

What is going on with me?

For a while now it seems that the only time I seem to be able to hold things together properly is at work.  I am so busy at work that I don’t have much time to wallow in my own self-pity.  Admittedly the busy-ness is bordering on extreme stress, working on five projects at a time where my client has somehow managed to commit me to 80 hours of work a week!  I’m one of those people who normally thrives under stress.  But somehow I am starting to feel like I may be falling apart?

I got lost on my way to work the other day.  Not lost lost, but sort of ‘came around’ don’t know how else to put it to realise that I had completely missed my turning?

Then I was telling Hopelessly about the speakers at a conference we are hosting next week and when he asked who the speaker was it took me a few minutes of totally re-hashing the conversation with my client in my brain before I remembered that the speaker was ME!

Then Hopelessly was getting one of his images printed up and I said to wait as one of my colleagues also wanted some stuff printed and I would talk to him first.  This morning at work I asked my colleague about it and he started laughing – it had been part of a bigger joke from last week, but until he mentioned it I simply didn’t remember that it was a joke!

I think I am loosing the plot.  If I didn’t know better I would assume I had been smoking too much dope, or dropping some acid!

Anyway none of this is the problem, just the symptoms.

But at work I manage to keep going.  I focus on what needs doing and get it done.  I have a finger in every pie on all the project sites and I can juggle all the balls.  I manage to smile and laugh at jokes and be one of those shiny happy people.

Then the weekend comes around…

It’s like the shiny bit gets dull, the happy bit gets miserable and the laughing part just starts crying and crying and crying.  I know it’s because when I am home and don’t have work to distract me, the reality comes crashing down.  I know it’s because the weekend is the only time I really relax and so the only time my psyche has the chance to deal with the stuff rattling around in there.  But it’s terrible.  It feels as though my poor man only gets the bum parts of me and everyone at work gets the good parts.  I want to just enjoy a weekend without all this going on.

But I am tired of fighting the way I feel, I am tired of trying to stay upbeat, I am tired of dealing with other people’s problems and having them made my problem.

In fact I am just exhausted!  I want to get lost properly!

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in Male Factor Infertility, TTC and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to I got lost

  1. dee says:

    Shame sweety, sounds like you having a rough time. Stress does funny things to a person. Its natural to let your emotions out at home, where you are more relaxed and comfortable. AT work you have to put on a brave face and you cant do that all the time AND put on a brave face at home. Im sure your hubby understands. xx

  2. KK says:

    I’m so sorry you are having a rough go of it.

  3. Chopper1 says:

    😦
    I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this, love! Really am – I can feel it in the way that you have written this piece! Sounds like you need a day at the spa with H! Once you get your big project done and dusted – perhaps you should investigate taking you and he off to Mangwanani day spa! I forced my DH to take time out once to do just that – and he LOVED it!
    Good luck – I’m thinking of you!
    x

  4. AmandaMqn says:

    I feel like I could have written that post, similar things have been happening to me lately. I am forgetting all kinds of things- how to spell, where things are, how to drive somewhere, etc. It’s like IF is pushing things out of my brain!

    I’m thinking of you and sending you ::hugs::

  5. Lesley says:

    I hear you. Just hang on till a better stage comes along, which it will.

  6. Bratty says:

    oohhh…hopefull…I know that feeling so well. Absolutely exhaustion…

    If you find a cure, please let me know?

  7. a says:

    I’m sorry things are so rough. I hope things get better soon.

  8. Kristin says:

    Lots of {{{hugs}}} and wishes that things get better for you soon.

  9. That’s exactly how it feels- you said it perfectly (*hugs*)

    Hoping things get better soon.

  10. Maryna says:

    Ai Hopefully, I’ve wondered how you’ve been and am so sorry to hear that the ride is that rough at the moment.

    I admire you for the way you’re performing at work. Well done there, hun. Do give yourself the credit you deserve for keeping things together at work during such a stressful time.

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