A couple of weeks ago I promised that I would try to be a Shiny Happy Person Laughing (A Lot). It was a great plan, but typically no sooner had I put it in writing then I started to have a hard time living up to it. And in fact I’ve not been posting much because the last thing I want to do is just whinge and complain. And then I saw that someone loves me and worries about me, because there on Lost and Found today was a little message saying I was having a rough time and for people to come over and give me “some kind words”. If you’re here from that THANK YOU!
What is going on with me?
For a while now it seems that the only time I seem to be able to hold things together properly is at work. I am so busy at work that I don’t have much time to wallow in my own self-pity. Admittedly the busy-ness is bordering on extreme stress, working on five projects at a time where my client has somehow managed to commit me to 80 hours of work a week! I’m one of those people who normally thrives under stress. But somehow I am starting to feel like I may be falling apart?
I got lost on my way to work the other day. Not lost lost, but sort of ‘came around’ don’t know how else to put it to realise that I had completely missed my turning?
Then I was telling Hopelessly about the speakers at a conference we are hosting next week and when he asked who the speaker was it took me a few minutes of totally re-hashing the conversation with my client in my brain before I remembered that the speaker was ME!
Then Hopelessly was getting one of his images printed up and I said to wait as one of my colleagues also wanted some stuff printed and I would talk to him first. This morning at work I asked my colleague about it and he started laughing – it had been part of a bigger joke from last week, but until he mentioned it I simply didn’t remember that it was a joke!
I think I am loosing the plot. If I didn’t know better I would assume I had been smoking too much dope, or dropping some acid!
Anyway none of this is the problem, just the symptoms.
But at work I manage to keep going. I focus on what needs doing and get it done. I have a finger in every pie on all the project sites and I can juggle all the balls. I manage to smile and laugh at jokes and be one of those shiny happy people.
Then the weekend comes around…
It’s like the shiny bit gets dull, the happy bit gets miserable and the laughing part just starts crying and crying and crying. I know it’s because when I am home and don’t have work to distract me, the reality comes crashing down. I know it’s because the weekend is the only time I really relax and so the only time my psyche has the chance to deal with the stuff rattling around in there. But it’s terrible. It feels as though my poor man only gets the bum parts of me and everyone at work gets the good parts. I want to just enjoy a weekend without all this going on.
But I am tired of fighting the way I feel, I am tired of trying to stay upbeat, I am tired of dealing with other people’s problems and having them made my problem.
In fact I am just exhausted! I want to get lost properly!