Life Goes On

Surreal I guess is the only word I can use to describe the last two weeks.  What a rollercoaster ride of emotions and bizarre experiences.  But through it all there was one person stood right next to me, holding my hand, giving me hugs, wiping the tears and holding me up in every way… Hopelessly.

I’ve never needed proof that I chose the right life partner, I’ve never needed confirmation that he loves me and I’ve never doubted that he would stand by me and give me strength.  But if I had ever needed any of these things he proved them all to me a thousand times over in the last few weeks.  Right from the moment when he took charge of booking our flights to Jo’burg, to when he went to ID my Mom’s body, through to when he endured the minister telling him that prayer would help us get pregnant.  Right through it all he just stood by, quiet and strong and took the load off my shoulders.  I will never be able to thank my darling husband for the love and support he has given me and I will never be able to show him enough what it meant to me knowing I had the best person for me right there with me giving me the strength to keep going.

It’s been hell.  For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while you will know that my Mom and I had issues.  A long history of issues.  But even though I had started to doubt whether I actually still loved her, the way I have felt at losing her lets me know that despite it all I never stopped loving her.    I mourned so much more than I even imagined I would and I have discovered something amazing, death softens your memory and helps you to put on the rose tinted glasses and remember the good times.  Spending time with my family and my mother’s friends has really helped me to see my mom through their eyes, to see the awesome person she was before her mental illness took over her life, to remember the sound of her laughter and the crinkle around her smiling eyes.  It has brought back the good times and I am so very grateful for those.

But life goes on…

We have been back home nearly a week now, back at work and the pressure and stress, and back to thoughts of baby making…

You see the timing is such that at last the three months of Hopelessly being on the new protocol (Menopur & Ovidrel) is up and today he is going for an SA.  Today we see if there are any lone rangers for us to work with.  It’s not a D-Day, it’s just another test.  Truth be told I know that sperm takes three months to be produced and mature and he has only been on the new protocol for three months, so for us to see some spermies, the injections would have had to start working after the very first injection on the new protocol.  Not likely.  Truth be told I know that at best we will only start to see something at the next test in another three months time.  So I have no expectations from these results.

But just imagine if…

About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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11 Responses to Life Goes On

  1. AmandaMqn says:

    You’ve been on my mind and in my prayers the last couple of weeks. ::hugs::

    I hope you are pleasantly surprised by today’s SA. Even though ours are always crappy, I hold on to the tiniest bit of hope I can. Guess I’m just a glutton for punishment!

  2. Dee says:

    I am so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you. Its terrible, pls know that I am thinking of you.

    As for the SA, you just never know, Im holding thumbs for both of you!

    much love

  3. Marion says:

    I’m really sorry about your mom. You have been in my prayers the last few weeks…

  4. Bratty says:

    Hi Hopeful….I do not have the right words to tell you..I can only imagine your pain. I would love to give you a big hug and let you lean on me for a while. So I am sending you what I can…I really hope that my positive vibes reach you and help make your path a little easier.

    I do hope that those vicious injections that poor Hopeless has to endure, have kickstarted his “swimmers” and there is no stopping

    Sending you love, light and divine blessings

    Lotsa love M

  5. Gwen says:

    I came here today wondering if Hopelessly had any news yet, and saw the terribly sad sad news about your mom. I’m so sorry you have to endure this on top of everything else. I do hope that you do have a little something at least from this SA to keep you going through the long wait for the next one.


  6. ttcnot2easy says:

    Hey you two. I’ve been thinking of you daily for the last few weeks. I’m pretty useless when it comes to offering up words of comfort, but I just want you both to know that you’ve been in my thoughts.
    I wish for only the best for you two, always.

  7. I ws so sorry to hear the news about your mother. I’m sure this has been such a roller coaster and you really are fortunate to have such a wonderful husband to help you through. I am hoping the news from the SA is exactly what you want it to be.

  8. ChrisN says:

    Hey you

    Been thinking of you both so much in the past few weeks. I am sending you lots of strength and peace. It must be so hard. We are all here rooting for you 🙂

    Be kind to yourselves and take lots of care

  9. Mash says:

    I’ve been thinking of you lots. One of my close friends went through an almost identical scenario in October last year.

    Thank goodness for Hopelessly standing by your side, I wish you both so much strength in the coming days. Look after yourselves!

  10. I just wanted to chime in that I’m thinking of you during this time of deep loss and mourning because grief definitely works on its own schedule.

    You also reminded me to stop waiting for the right or perfect words to reach out to close friends who lost their mom in January. I went to the funeral but haven’t talked to them since. So, thank you for reminding me to make that gesture even if I’m not sure it was the right one.

    Also, wishing you and yours the best on your infertility journey…

  11. Camilla says:

    Am so sorry about your mum – only saw the post now and know I am thinking about you xxxx

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