It’s weird how your perspective can change over night. Four weeks ago I was in a very black place, the whole TTC journey was bringing me down in the worst possible way. Truth be told it was more than just TTC, it was our financial situation, running three households, supporting both my parents, it was working far too hard under far too much pressure and the hairline cracks were starting to show. But above all else my one track mind on TTC was overwhelming me.
Then my mom said no more and took herself out the picture and the hairline cracks just shattered apart. I know it’s normal. I know that you have to mourn and it’s healthy and I’m fairly certain that under the circumstances of her death it’s probably no surprise that I’m stuck in a head space that has me constantly replaying things over and over and over in my head. Also Hopelessly pointed out the other day that it’s only been three weeks! Really? Only three weeks? Why does it feel as though I have lived a lifetime in that time. Maybe because I have spent the last three weeks reliving the lifetime I had with my mom.
The weird part though is how I am feeling over Hopelessly’s recent SA results. For those that didn’t read his post with his results, it was another BFZ (Big Fat Zero!) Yup no little swimmers, no lone ranger!
Even though we knew the chances of there being anything yet were EXTREMELY slim, I was hoping (yes that’s why I am Hopefully TTC on Fertilicare). I was so sure that if there was nothing I would be devastated, that the black place I was on four weeks ago would be nothing compared to where I would be. But in that time my perspective changed. I am sad, in fact I am heartbroken for my man. I wish we had had some good news to add a little light to the end of this tunnel. But I feel more numb than anything else.
It feels to me as though nothing has changed. Life just goes on. Poor Hopelessly keeps getting jabbed on an almost nightly basis. We just keep yearning for something that remains out of our reach. We keep facing our beautiful god-children and the people around us who keep getting pregnant. We keep getting left behind. We keep getting up in the morning, going to work, stressing over bills and nothing changes.
It turns out when it is dark and I mean pitch back, it can’t get any darker.