Feeling Kinda Numb

It’s weird how your perspective can change over night.  Four weeks ago I was in a very black place, the whole TTC journey was bringing me down in the worst possible way.  Truth be told it was more than just TTC, it was our financial situation, running three households, supporting both my parents, it was working far too hard under far too much pressure and the hairline cracks were starting to show.  But above all else my one track mind on TTC was overwhelming me.

Then my mom said no more and took herself out the picture and the hairline cracks just shattered apart.  I know it’s normal.  I know that you have to mourn and it’s healthy and I’m fairly certain that under the circumstances of her death it’s probably no surprise that I’m stuck in a head space that has me constantly replaying things over and over and over in my head.  Also Hopelessly pointed out the other day that it’s only been three weeks!  Really?  Only three weeks?  Why does it feel as though I have lived a lifetime in that time.  Maybe because I have spent the last three weeks reliving the lifetime I had with my mom.

The weird part though is how I am feeling over Hopelessly’s recent SA results.  For those that didn’t read his post with his results, it was another BFZ (Big Fat Zero!)  Yup no little swimmers, no lone ranger!

Even though we knew the chances of there being anything yet were EXTREMELY slim, I was hoping (yes that’s why I am Hopefully TTC on Fertilicare).  I was so sure that if there was nothing I would be devastated, that the black place I was on four weeks ago would be nothing compared to where I would be.  But in that time my perspective changed.  I am sad, in fact I am heartbroken for my man.  I wish we had had some good news to add a little light to the end of this tunnel.  But I feel more numb than anything else.

It feels to me as though nothing has changed.  Life just goes on.  Poor Hopelessly keeps getting jabbed on an almost nightly basis.  We just keep yearning for something that remains out of our reach.  We keep facing our beautiful god-children and the people around us who keep getting pregnant.  We keep getting left behind.  We keep getting up in the morning, going to work, stressing over bills and nothing changes.

It turns out when it is dark and I mean pitch back, it can’t get any darker.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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9 Responses to Feeling Kinda Numb

  1. Bratty says:

    Hi Hopeful….my thoughts are with you daily. Life is sometimes very cruel….
    I know exactly how you feel about Hopeless…I sometimes wish that I could protect my B..I would trade places with him anyday, if it meant that he will never feel disappointment and sadness…if only

  2. ChrisN says:

    Hopefully – been thinking of you so much. Life is so unfair. You guys deserve everything your heart’s desire. I wish it could be different and I hope one day soon it will be. I am sending you so much love and strength. To both you and Hopeless.

  3. ttcnot2easy says:

    I’m so sorry my babes. You’ve been constantly in my thoughts for the last few weeks.

  4. Lesley says:

    Sorry to read about Chris’s result, I was thinking it was your time for some good news right about now.

  5. Kristin says:

    I am so very sorry you have had a shitstorm of bad news. I wish I could say or do something to make it better. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and prayers coming your way.


  6. Mash says:

    Hi Hopefully, I know exactly what you mean. Just when you think life is tough, the carpet gets pulled from under your feet and you realise just what tough is all about. That replaying of scenarios is so normal, and also that feeling that it’s been way longer than 3 weeks. It’s been an intense 3 weeks no doubt, that’s why it probably feels more like a year. The new “normal” takes a long time to get used to. And the “what if” thing is called Bargaining, a recognised stage of mourning. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you strength and love as you heal from this. xxxx

  7. AmandaMqn says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about the results. I’m thinking about you and sending you huge hugs from over here. ::hugs::

  8. Sabine says:

    Thinking of you and hoping you are doing a little better. So sorry for everything you are going through xx

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