Damn Facebook AGAIN! Maybe it’s just time to give up my usage completely. As with so many Ifs, I have really declined in my usage already, can’t handle the baby bumps, baby announcements, scan images and updates on morning sickness, kicking babies etc. It’s not that I don’t want to know how my friends and family are doing and progressing in their pregnancies etc, it’s just that I would rather get this news when I am actually up to facing it. It’s the way the Facebook new or images can just take you so unawares!
As I now discover it is the same with other things. Facebook had me in tears at my desk at work this morning. Not great really – but thank heavens everyone had stepped out to deal with a mini crisis and I was alone. One of my cousins had posted pictures of my other cousin’s baby’s (Baby G) first birthday. And there with a comment of “:-(” was my Mom smiling out at me.
For a very long time my mom has not been doing well. A combination of her health and the dark place she has lived in in her mind for the last ten to fifteen years. The result is that there is hardly a single picture of my Mom from the last seven years that actually looks like her. You know not just in facial features, but in the light that shines out a person’s eyes. She just hasn’t been there. It seems in so many ways that I lost my mother (the one I grew up with) years ago. But here in this photo taken in December was my Mother with the light shining in her eyes. The woman I just haven’t seen for so long. The woman I had almost started to forget existed.
I just cracked. How come she was back – I mean that the light was back and then she decided to end it all. I don’t get it!
While we were around the family everyone kept talking about how ‘well’ my mom had been doing recently and while I totally agreed she was doing better, I wouldn’t have described it as well – you know it’s a degrees thing. But there in this photo I could see the ‘well’ they were all talking about.
I guess suicide is something that no one can ever understand. Unless you could actually see into the person’s mind at the moment they took the decision and took action on the decision, you can just never understand WHY?