Facebook Induced Wobble

Damn Facebook AGAIN! Maybe it’s just time to give up my usage completely. As with so many Ifs, I have really declined in my usage already, can’t handle the baby bumps, baby announcements, scan images and updates on morning sickness, kicking babies etc. It’s not that I don’t want to know how my friends and family are doing and progressing in their pregnancies etc, it’s just that I would rather get this news when I am actually up to facing it. It’s the way the Facebook new or images can just take you so unawares!

As I now discover it is the same with other things. Facebook had me in tears at my desk at work this morning. Not great really – but thank heavens everyone had stepped out to deal with a mini crisis and I was alone. One of my cousins had posted pictures of my other cousin’s baby’s (Baby G) first birthday. And there with a comment of “:-(” was my Mom smiling out at me.

For a very long time my mom has not been doing well. A combination of her health and the dark place she has lived in in her mind for the last ten to fifteen years. The result is that there is hardly a single picture of my Mom from the last seven years that actually looks like her. You know not just in facial features, but in the light that shines out a person’s eyes. She just hasn’t been there. It seems in so many ways that I lost my mother (the one I grew up with) years ago. But here in this photo taken in December was my Mother with the light shining in her eyes. The woman I just haven’t seen for so long. The woman I had almost started to forget existed.

I just cracked. How come she was back – I mean that the light was back and then she decided to end it all. I don’t get it!

While we were around the family everyone kept talking about how ‘well’ my mom had been doing recently and while I totally agreed she was doing better, I wouldn’t have described it as well – you know it’s a degrees thing. But there in this photo I could see the ‘well’ they were all talking about.

I guess suicide is something that no one can ever understand. Unless you could actually see into the person’s mind at the moment they took the decision and took action on the decision, you can just never understand WHY?


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in family, Infertility, TTC. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Facebook Induced Wobble

  1. Mash says:

    Someone once told me a story about a nurse who came home to find that her husband had tried to hang himself. She rescued him, and he spent a month in hospital recovering. When she asked him “why”? He couldn’t remember any of it. He couldn’t remember doing it or the thoughts he had beforehand. Since then I have also read somewhere that in the moment before someone takes their own life, they literally lose their mind completely. In other words, no matter how depressed someone is or isn’t, there is no rational answer for the moment a suicide takes place. Sorry, I hope this is helpful and not hurtful to read, but I think you get what I mean? Another thing that I found helpful after my Dad’s death (when I kept wondering WHY?) was – what reason could anyone ever give me that would be good enough? There isn’t one. There is no satisfactory answer to the question.

    • mommyinwaiting says:

      The thought that no answer could ever be good enough actually helps a little – crazy though it sounds. Thanks Mash!

  2. Lesley says:

    Hey Juanita This falls into the category of seriously crappy things that cannot really be adequately explained. I am just so sad that you are having to deal with this. See you later.

  3. Bratty says:

    You are so right…suicide can never be explained. It is almost kinda selfish…although not the case. But all sins are forgiven in death…

    I wish I had some wonderful words that would bring you some comfort…

    Sending you and Hopeless all my love.

    Love M

  4. AmandaMqn says:

    I am sending you huge ::hugs::

    Facebook is becoming hard for me and I am limiting my time on it drastically too. Now if I could just predict when baby commercials were on, I’d never be taken off guard!

  5. AmandaMqn says:

    I nominated you for an award, the details are on my blog. = )

  6. ttcnot2easy says:

    ((hug)) for you. I’m useless at words, so sending you a huge squeeze.

  7. KK says:

    Sorry I’ve been such a cr*ppy commenter while you have been going through so much. I really like what Mash said about no explanation ever being good enough. I’ve been touched by a few suicides and it hits home for me.

    Facebook is hard. I do try to make sure that I don’t peruse my friends updates unless I feel like I’m in the right frame of mind…and I still get tripped up by something unexpected occasionally.

    Hang in there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s