This Time Last Year

Firstly a little explanation on where I have been for the last month.  My normal work routine has been thrown completely as I have been delivering systems training to around 200 people all over the countryside.  This has been the break I really needed for the daily grind, got me out my comfort zone and best of all Hopelessly and I managed to get a bit of a break (mini holiday) in at the same time.  But today I am back to the office and back to the traffic in the mornings  and back to my blog.

In April last year Hopelessly had been on the testosterone injections for about two or three months and the effects had been dramatic.  I won’t be specific but we (I – even hopeful one) had reason to believe that just maybe we had the ingredients to work with to make a baby.  We went away on holiday off to the Kruger Park and on the day we were due to arrive in the park our dear friend AF was due to visit.  Up to this point I had always had perfect 28 day cycles.  So when AF didn’t show in the Sunday she was due, I got a little twinge of that “maybe…”.  Monday came along and I was starting to think wow could this really have happened???  By Tuesday we started looking for a Pregnancy Test.  Let me tell you that if you are ever planning a trip to Kruger and think you may possibly want to Pee On A Stick you better take them with you.  We searched every single shop in the place with no success.  By Wednesday I was so excited that this had happened and so quickly after we started getting treatment. 

I was super aware of EVERY twinge in my tummy region, watching out for any signs of period pains, sore boobs, anything that might let me know for sure one way or the other.  Thursday still no sign of AF and I started talking about how we would tell our families.  By Friday I knew that there was no way my period was just late, never been late before.  Saturday morning I even got Hopelessly to feel how hard my breasts were getting and then… AF arrived!

I was gutted, but I had never really expected that we would fall pregnant that easily, that quickly and while for a tiny while I wondered whether it had been a chemical pregnancy in my heart I knew it hadn’t.  And the sperm analysis that followed a few months later let us know that we really didn’t have the ingredients.  Hopelessly still maintains it was my brain playing tricks on me.  That my brain is so strong it can actually control my body.

Since this incident I have been plotting my cycles fairly religiously as they have been loopy, but in the last few months seem to have settled down to a fairly predictable routine and AF definitely arrives 14 days after EWCM.  I have sore boobs from at least five days before my period and so I know when AF is en route to visit.

Roll around this April. 

EWCM, we baby dance at the right time, not planned just part of being in holiday mode.  Now I have never had a two week wait because let’s face it I know there is nothing to wait for.  So I don’t have the angst that most women have every month, for me life just goes on.

I knew my period was due on Saturday, but I hadn’t had any sore boobs yet?  Weird.  Now I know sore boobs are a sign of pregnancy, but maybe I wouldn’t get that until later?  I normally get a head ache before my period, no headache?  Alright.  Then AF is a no show on Saturday?  And my brain went crazy.  Was this another situation like last April, was she going to stay away just long enough for me to get to Pee On A Stick for the first time in my life and be disappointed.  Or could this be it.  Could it be that my little build up of hope was justified and we finally have some sperm and we have a miracle conception from sex with ‘just that one swimmer’?  Could it be?

Sunday morning I said to Hopelessly that I wanted to get a pregnancy test to just get the crazy out my head.  But he talked me out of it and did a pretty good job of keeping me fairly distracted most of the morning.  Late afternoon … Ah, there she is.  Oh well not pregnant, just a crazy day of delayed arrival.  But a few hours later nothing, it was just some spotting.  Well I’ve heard about spotting in the early stages of pregnancy so… Could it Be?  Only by the evening she arrived…B!TCH!!!

I take my hat off to every woman who endures a 2ww every month.  I have endured a Could it Be just twice in my life, but it is hell.  And it’s hell even though I know the chances are practically zero that we will get pregnant the old fashioned way.  So here’s a great big glass of whatever you are drinking to all those in their two week wait.  I really am hoping and wishing you have a better outcome than mine.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in azoospermia, fertility Treatment, Infertility, Male Factor Infertility, TTC and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to This Time Last Year

  1. Mash says:

    😦

    Sounds like your weekend was a bit like mine. Except I POAS’d on Friday night to put myself out of my misery and then drank 50 bottles of wine and Jagerme.ister at a wedding on Saturday. Hasn’t helped the frustration levels though, PMS is a cruel joke around POAS time!

  2. Kitty8218 says:

    I’ve had that happen to me a couple of times, worst part for me was that at that exact time my BFF was late and guess what, she was pregnant and AF just decided to be 9 days late for me! I too was gutted 😦 It’s the hardest most cruelest thing ever. That was of course before I knew that I had PCOS and was under the impression I had a regular ovulatory cycle….
    The 2ww is hell and torture and unfair…..

  3. Lesley says:

    I can just imagine how gutted you were. I went through EXACTLY the same thing about 18 months ago. Having previously had regular cycles, the very month C had his vas rev, guess what… no period. Every preggie symptom in the book followed…

  4. deathstar44 says:

    Brings me back to that lovely traumatic moment when after IVF, I had actually made it through the 2ww with no sign of AF, made it to beta test day – this had never a happened before – and of course, true to the pee test I took at 4am in the dark – it was negative. As a matter of fact I didn’t get my period for quite a while – all thanks to the biggest mindf””” of all, progesterone. Sigh. It’s hard not to get carried away (after all, you’re supposed to be positive minded, right?) but have a glass of wine and cuddle your hubby.

  5. KK says:

    My cycle was always irregular enough to save me from too much hope in the 2ww. I think being super regular would make it so much worse on the off chance you are just a few days or hours late!

    Sorry work has been crazy, but I hope you enjoyed the mini-holiday!

  6. Bratty says:

    2ww sucks……………………….and thats all I am gonna say about that……smile.

  7. Gailly says:

    I completely understand how you feel. This happened to me this month too. 3 days late and the b*tch arrived on my husband’s birthday. I was hoping for two celebrations that day but it wasn’t to be 😦

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