Last year’s mother’s day was hard. My family live 1,500kms away and so Mother’s Day is always with the in-laws, which I have absolutely no problems with. My MIL is devine and so special, she really gets how to be caring and concerned without being in your face or smothering. Since we returned to South Africa we had hosted Mother’s Day at our house with Hopelessly’s folks, sister, BIL and his Nan.
Nan had passed away the year before and last year was the first Mother’s Day without her. SIL was pregnant and wanted to have Mother’s Day with her MIL too, so she was hosting for the first time. And we had just started TTC a few months earlier.
Now this starting TTC is a strange thing when you have always known you are an infertile couple. Other couples talk about going off contraception and then baby dancing like crazy for 12 months and then going to see a doctor, followed by a gynie, followed by the Fertility Specialist, followed by the crazy life of in infertile. We always knew. And so when we gave up contraception six years ago we weren’t really trying. We knew it couldn’t happen. Firstly we always used contraception just in case. We don’t believe that getting married and having kids is just what you do. We believe that having a child is the biggest decision you can take and should never be done, just because the time was right. If we didn’t WANT kids, and I mean really desperately want them, then we would simply stay childless.
We talked about whether giving up contraception was a good idea. I mean you never know. Hopelessly had never actually had an SA, just been told he would never have kids. And so we took very seriously the fact that it could happen. And at the time I will never forget I was sitting in the bath (all our best decisions are made in the bath) he looked at me and said “Let’s face it, if we fell pregnant we would both be thrilled and it would be the best thing to happen.” So we gave up the contraception. For a month or two I tracked my periods, just in case, but then I guess the reality of being infertile crept back in, this wasn’t something to worry about. Funny, about six months before my SIL announced her pregnancy and my world turned upside down, I started tracking my periods again. Not sure why, but there you go.
So by last year’s Mother’s Day Hopelessly had been on testosterone injections for three months and there was no doubt about the change in him. We had already had our little “could we be…” episode, which knocked me back. It was after this that I started crying when AF arrived every month, well until I got over this too. By I digress, basically I was not up to a “Mothers Day” with a soon-to-be mom.
Then to add insult to injury my SIL’s MIL is not my favourite person, she is one of those busy bodies. A few days after my SIL announced her pregnancy she said in front of about 20 other people that it’s about time Hopelessly and I got to making babies. Then half an hour later asked when we would be having children. And then I endured her on Mothers Day last year with conversation 100% around my SIL’s pregnancy and the only time I was invited into the conversation was when she said we should be making a cousin for my SIL’s child!
And now this year I am facing another Mother’s Day, still without our child and now without my mother too. What is the point in Mother’s Day for people like me, not a Mother and without a Mother.