DefTTC and I had a lovely evening last night. No it wasn’t date night, just one of those evenings at home where you really talk. DefTTC made steaks on the braai (bbq) – just the very best, he marinades them for a minimum of 24 hours and they are so tender and juicy and really yummy. But I digress.
We started chatting about what’s on the cards for us in four weeks time when we get the next test results. I think now that we have had a chance for the reality of the last SA results to sink, it is also dawning on us that there is very little chance that we will be in any position to do IUI. And so we started to talk about how we feel about IVF.
So I am going to come right out with it and say I am terrified of IVF. No not the medical stuff, not the jabs or scans or retrieval. But I am scared about the emotional toll of IVF.
You see while I’m not very religious (anymore), I have very strong feelings about the sanctity of life. And very firm ideas about when life starts. I believe that the moment you have fertilisation you have life. I know that doesn’t make that life viable, but to me it is life. And here’s where it all gets scary. My brain is abuzz with questions – what if’s?
What if we have loads of fertilised embryos and they all die – will I feel like I lots loads of babies
What if we have loads of fertilised embryos and we put two back and they both take – what will we do with the rest. I don’t want a soccer team, I think two is perfect, but what would I do with the other embryos. I couldn’t let them die, I would feel like we had killed our potential babies. Not sure about donating to science, how can you offer your children (yes I know they aren’t kids yet) to be experimented on. I think I could come to terms with donating them to another couple, but what if no one wanted them. I re-read an old diary entry recently. I hadn’t been in the UK for very long when there was a newspaper article on how there were thousands of embryos which hadn’t been claimed and were now going to be disposed of. I was outraged and furious and so disgusted at a society that could end these potential lives. But what else could they do?
What if we have loads of fertilised embryos and we put two back and neither of them takes – I’ve read blog where women say they are PUPO – Pregnant until proven otherwise. I think I would be one of those women who would see it that way. And then the BFN would seem like a miscarriage – and I know better than that, but I can’t help my crazy brain from having these crazy thoughts.
My friend L and I have talked a few times about not seeing IVF like that. Those embryos are not viable life, until they divide and embed and grow past a certain point. I know this stuff in my head, but my heart…
And so as we start to come to terms with the fact that there is a very strong likelihood that we will follow the IVF path, I am scared.
I don’t mean to upset anyone, this is just my crazy view on this crazy business.