I am in a place of calm. Well mostly. I know last Monday there was that ‘firing of the GP’ scenario and yesterday in the shops I found myself swearing at two people who got in my way. But other than that I am doing very well. And I don’t think it’s that I am bottling the emotions.
We are here – today is test day. Tomorrow is the POA appointment. By tomorrow afternoon we will know what comes next.
It’s quite weird tomorrow’s appointment is like this big brick wall in front of me that I haven’t been able to see past. I have had a hectic social life for weeks now I have had a full calendar, I have been very busy and yet after the appointment tomorrow I don’t have one single thing in my diary. I found myself thinking about buying food yesterday and had this fleeting feeling a lot like when you are about to go on holiday and you think, ‘hmm we need food, but I don’t want to stock up on too much cause we are going away’. Of course we aren’t going anywhere and when I got to that part of the sentence I realised the craziness of this thought. But tomorrow is a big one.
I have put my head in a good space. I have decided there is no point in getting too excited, too nervous, too worried. There is no point thinking too far ahead. And I have become almost superstitious about not thinking ahead. DefTTC and I were chatting yesterday morning and he started asking me about my anticipated timings. I ran him through when I am expecting AF, when I might start stimming, when ER and ET might be, but I will not think to when test day might be and when he started trying to figure out when any baby might be due I had to stop him. I will not get ahead of this game. Somehow where I’ve always been one of those people who can calculate nine months without thinking, I have completely forgotten how to do this and WILL NOT rethink how I used to do it.
And since our positive SA result I haven’t had a down day, I haven’t been sad, I haven’t felt any jealousy, I haven’t had that terrible pang which feels like a stake through the heart. It’s been awesome.
I figure today might be the last day of this ‘Zen’ state, once we have a plan, I am sure I will start obsessing about everything around this process. Once AF arrives and I have more clarity on dates I am sure I will be counting sleeps again to test day. And if this works there will be plenty to be excited about then and if it doesn’t there will be plenty to be sad about then. So for now I am simply enjoying this quiet before the storm.