***please read on with caution this post is not a criticism of anyone and is not aimed at hurting anyone***
For the last couple of weeks I have had this funny reaction to those blog or forum posts or comments which are all negative about fertiles or pregnancy or babies. The one’s where someone has just heard about a pregnancy and it’s broken their heart. Or their fertile friend has said something stupid and the infertile wants to lash out. I find I just don’t want to read them, I simply have no urge to comment on them and suddenly they just don’t seem to resonate with me anymore. It’s not a lack of sympathy and it’s not to say I haven’t had my times where things just hurt too much (for a while there I thought my SIL’s pregnancy was going to finish me off).
Maybe it has something to do with the friends who are getting the BFPs. Friends who went through such complete hell to get there. Right now I cannot imagine feeling resentful or hurt by the happiness they finally have. I would want to bite the head off anyone who would say anything which may hurt my friends. I find myself so drawn to share in their joy. Obviously there is always the self-interest factor – what did they do that worked? How are they feeling now? So I can know what to do to get it right and know what to (hopefully) expect when my turn comes.
Right now I am in a great place. A place of peace and love and understanding and hope. And maybe that’s just it – the hope. I hope to be pregnant soon. I hope to have my baby in my arms one day. I want to be where those pregnant or fertile people are and I don’t want people feeling negative towards me when I get there.
I think when infertility hurt the most was when I had the least hope. I’m also conscious that I have never endured a failed cycle and I’ve never lost a baby and I think that means I have less hurt to carry around anyway, so it’s so much easier for hope to outweigh the burden of that experience. And so easier for me to see pregnant women – I’m not thinking that could have been me, because so far we have never had that chance. Easier for me to see babies – I’m not thinking that could have been mine.
Mostly though I think my response to these posts is just that I want to surround myself with positivity. I want to feel happy peaceful thoughts. I want to stay in this Zen place where the world has sunshine and white beaches and blue waters. A world where people smile and love each other and support each other and are happy for each other. A world where IF can’t hurt me, because I have hope.