Well I’m hoping – against all hope! I have to admit to being exceptionally emotional about the whole thing. I guess this morning it really hit me (and I know I’ve said this before, but clearly it is something that is only getting into my brain one teeny-tiny step at a time) that today we could be conceiving our children (or first child). We got in the car and one of the songs from ‘our’ album was playing, one of my favourites.
Okay, I have to pause to explain about ‘our’ album. When I first went over to the UK to hunt down my man we listened to Joshua Kadison pretty much non-stop. During those first few months of being in love (or admitting to each other that we were in love) his album ‘Painted Desert Serenade’ was our sound track. And to this day I love nothing better than pulling out that CD and listening to it. One of our wedding songs (yes we had two but that’s another soppy story for another day), ‘Beautiful in My Eyes’, was off that album. I love some of the imagery from his songs where he talks about getting old together and being in love in old age. And then when we went travelling we fell in love with Mexico and dreamt of having n RV (trailer or caravan) by the sea there on the Caribbean coast, just like Joshua talked about in his sing ‘Jessie‘. But as we have grown up and older the song from that album which has started to talk to my heart the loudest has been ‘Georgia Rain’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPWxuUzl-Bw). In it Joshua talks about Jessie again and this time he talks about how things haven’t turned out the way they had imagined, but ‘Life is everything he meant it to be’ because Jessie is with him. He even goes on to talk about that trailer by the sea saying:
we dreamt a lot about it, but we never did go, some dreams are better from afar, that’s just how things are, but everything’s alright, ‘cause Jessie’s singing me to sleep tonight.
And so we get in the car to head to the clinic and ‘Georgia Rain’ is playing. No I didn’t set it up to happen that way, but wow talk about setting us off. Because all I could think was that despite the tough last 18 months or so everything is alright because my DefTTC is right there holding my hand and life is everything I meant it to be!
One of the last things I remember before falling into that awesome sleep (boy they have good drugs) was Maureen, from the lab coming over and introducing herself to me as the person who would be looking after our embryos. That was it I went to sleep crying, not sobbing, but with tears leaking out the corners of my eyes as the realisation hit, she would be looking after our maybe-babies. Our dream was going to be in this woman’s hands. And she had such beautiful kind eyes – perfect.
DefTTC will no doubt tell you about how funny I was when I came back around, I was crying (maybe still crying) and soooo emotional. All I wanted to know was how many of the eggs were mature, somehow I seemed to absorb very quickly that there were 5 eggs. And Maureen popped her head back to let me know that 2 were definitely mature and they would see about the rest. I also embarrassed DefTTC by asking (I’m positive I was whispering, but apparently more of a stage whisper) how his sample had gone. This was also a HUGE part of today for us. I was so desperate for it to all be fine and there be no need for them to cut my man’s precious newly fully functioning nuts. Anyway he said the sample was fine and I apparently (I have no memory of this and I’m sure he’s making it up) asked if it was fun. Apparently my stage whisper had the nurses snickering and the couple in recovery next to me laughing.
And so here we are, wondering how many of those eggs are any good, will his spermies fertilise the eggs and what news tomorrow will bring. Wondering if our babies will have been conceived on the day that Chopper’s Bella was born and the day Gwen’s boy arrived and the day Melissa’s embies were transferred. I huge day in the Fertilicare world.
Please send lots of fertile thoughts to our maybe-babies tonight. We’ll keep you updated.