I started writing a post twice yesterday, but my head was so all over the place that I could barely finish a sentence. Who would have thought I would be calmer after transfer. So brace yourselves this is going to be a long one.
Getting news on Tuesday that we had 3 fertilised eggs was a great step in the right direction, but it also introduced a new concept into this process for me – something to lose. Until we had fertilisation we had nothing to lose, no matter what we have sperm and that is soooo very much more than we dared hope for a year ago. And if we lost some eggs, well, so what. But once we heard there was fertilisation there was so much skin on the game. Suddenly if they didn’t progress we would have lost our greatest hope (so far) of being parents.
The net result of this concept… anther Sleepless Night Attributed to InFertility (SNAIF) – well actually I figure in this case it was more likely SNAF (Sleepless Night Attributed to Fertilisation). Yup as usual I fell asleep on Tuesday night relatively easily – well once DefTTC was cuddling me. But at about 2am I woke up wondering how our embies were doing? Worrying about what Wednesdays call would bring. Well with the fear of what we could lose and too little sleep I was terrified of yesterday’s call for an update on our maybe-babies. But when I got the news…
OMG! I was completely over the moon with excitement. I literally had the giggles and it took me the better part of an hour to settle back down to some work. All three embies had survived the night and were dividing beautifully. Two of them were at 4 cells and one at three cells. I simply cannot get over how totally amazing this news was to me. For the first time (yes I know you’ve heard this before) I really started to believe that we can actually make babies – I mean that it’s actually possible for us to be the biological parents to a child. After 15 years of believing we would never come this far, we had surviving, dividing embryos. All that waiting and hoping and crying and impatience and frustration and hurt and bitterness suddenly seemed all worthwhile because for the first time there was real hope. I mean we have done it – we have made life.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know we aren’t there yet. I know we needed to cross the hurdles of transfer and implantation still for this to ever have a hope of becoming viable life, but still, we made the building block. We laid the foundation! Well with a little help from a team of amazing experts.
From this news I could finally say I felt positive. I’ve read so many blogs by woman who start their whole cycle saying they ‘know’ this is the one and they are so ‘positive’. I will admit it has scared me that I haven’t felt that way. Not that I’ve been negative, but just that I couldn’t invest too much, had to protect myself from too much hurt or pain. I think the lack of overwhelming positivity helped to keep me sane and a calmer person than I normally am, but I was so worried that I wasn’t properly emotionally invested in our cycle.
Well folks let me tell you I have an investment now!
We went on date night last night. I so love date night, dinner and a movie. It actually worked a treat to distract us a reasonable amount. And then headed home for another SNAF. We eventually got up at about 5am – I had already been on Fertilicare Forum at 4am because, yes I couldn’t sleep anymore, and I think my fidgeting woke up DefTTC. So we ran a lovely hot bath – yes the last one for a while (well for me anyway). Had tea and rusks in the bath before getting ready and heading out to the clinic for transfer.
Two of the couples who had retrieval on Monday were also there and I have to say I was thrilled to see them, such happiness that these total strangers had also got to experience the absolute joy of having embies that divided.
Okay I freaked a little, over did it and made a bit of a mess of things. You see the nurse had been clear with me on the phone yesterday about how to prepare my bladder just right for transfer. She said to have a last pee at 8.00 and then drink 500ml of water and that way my bladder would be full for transfer at 8.30. So I followed orders, took a tinkle at five to eight and then drank a little lover 500ml of water. Actually I had drunk about a glass in the car on the way to the hospital too, but I wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t have pee’d that out with my 7.55am wizz. Then the nurse came to collect us from the waiting room really quickly and on the way to the ward asked how my bladder was feeling. I said it wasn’t at all full, but I was still drinking water. When I finished my bottle of water (around 750ml) and I still didn’t need the loo at all, I got DefTTC to fill up the water bottle and kept drinking. Probably another 500ml. Now I do normally drink A LOT of water, so this kind of quantity is not unusual for me. But, and this is a BIG but, I couldn’t pee, you know following orders and all.
By the time the nurse collected me to go to theatre I was in pain. I mean desperate, bursting to relieve myself. Anyway, I hopped up and when Prof tried to see what was going on he couldn’t see ANYTHING and couldn’t find his way to my uterus because my bladder was THAT full. I felt like such an idiot! So he had to catheter me to relieve the pressure – thanks G-d!
But back to the real exciting stuff. The embryologist came through to tell us all about our embryos and discuss what we wanted to do. She said we had two grade 4 embryos (where they are graded 1-5 and 5 is excellent) which were 7 cells and one embryo which had divided but had some fragmentation. She said that at my age (35 – since when is this old!) they would normally transfer three embryos and so while it was up to us she would recommend putting all three back. I asked her about the fragmented embie and its chance of viability and she said it was highly unlikely to survive and therefore our chances of triplets if we put all three back not great at all. And so we looked into each other’s eye and decided that we couldn’t leave the little one behind. Prof came in and supported the decision.
DefTTC got to see our embies, the embryologist put the dish under the microscope and showed him on a screen our little embies. He said even to his untrained eye he could see the fragmentation on the little one and I think was completely overwhelmed by seeing our maybe-babies. He said they actually did look just like the images they had been showing us to explain things.
Then DefTTC came back to the bed and held my hand so tight while Prof put our little embies inside me. We could actually see the flash of when the embies were released! Infertility may suck BIG TIME, but we get to see the very moment our babies find their way to the uterus and land on their soft lining, which hopefully they will get to call home for the next 38 weeks or so. WOW!
I am embracing positivity. I have decided that you probably only get to feel this hopeful and excited once. If this fails and we do another cycle we will have been jaded by the failure and will be far more reserved in our enthusiasm. And so I have decided to allow myself to be hurt monumentally and just enjoy every moment of waiting the next ten days to find out whether Blodge, Splodge and Runty will make it from our dreams into our lives.