No not the one I want to go crawl under until Sunday morning. Not the one I want to throw at the whole world as my patience wears thin either. And not this third rock from the sun, which is turning FAR TOO SLOWLY as we count down the days to test day! I’m talking about DefTTC. “I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I seem to forget to tell him how I feel, to show him my love is real”… I know I sometimes don’t appreciate him enough, I don’t tell him enough just how much I love him and I don’t express just how pivotal he is in every breath I take.
Yesterday was melt down day. It had to happen eventually and Melissa’s news unhinged me a little. It really felt as though my heart had broken for her. It also set of a complete and utter terror in me. A fear so powerful, that I don’t think I have ever felt anything like it. By the time we went to bed last night I honestly felt like I could hardly breathe.
And that’s where my rock came in. He knows exactly how to handle me. He always knows exactly what I need to get me through, how to push the right buttons. And last night was no exception. He kept telling me to be positive and pulling this really scary clown, big grin. I don’t think he was trying to cheer me up. I think he knew that what I needed was to be pushed over the edge and actually allow myself a great big cry. And so he kept up the ridiculous faces, which started to make me angry, which is usually the best way to get me to cry. And eventually I did. And boy oh boy did it help. Imagine if you will a pressure cooker where that little valve thing on the top is stuck closed and then someone comes along and releases the pressure, just enough. It was as though I had a tight elastic band around every part of my body, squeezing the air out of me and suddenly the bands were cut. DefTTC put his arms around me and cuddled me and then I slept brilliantly last night – really really well. Right through the night, no restlessness, just rest. And today I feel fresh again and ready to face the last four days.
I should have known the day I tried to kick him out my room that I was in for trouble of the best kind with him. We were flat mates, not at all in relationship and he had really wound me up. I got so angry eventually that I tried to kick him out my room, but everytime I looked at him, I just burst out laughing again. I eventually walked out the room to try to hold onto my anger and I still counldn’t. Needless to say he still knows exactly which buttons to press, and just how far to push me. And I love him more with each passing day.
This man is the reason I want children. He gave me faith in myself that I can be a good mother. Every day he makes me smile. There hasn’t been a day in the 14 years we have been together that he hasn’t made me smile, even if on the bad days it’s only fleetingly. He makes me laugh at myself. He brought light and hope and happiness into my life. He knows me better than I know myself. He always puts me and my needs first. And he makes me a better person.
On our wedding night he made me a promise in a song that he has honoured and exceeded in every way imaginable.
… darling let me tell you now
If you ever have any doubts
Just look in these eyes and you’ll see the truth
Girl when it comes to my loving you
Take my word
I will love you until
The night has no stars
And the beat of my heart stands still
Times may not always be good
But who ever said that they would
But girl when life’s not fair
Just know that I’ll be there
With a shoulder to always lean on
And a heart that will always be strong
Through valleys and hills
Grey skies or blue
Girl through it all
I’ll be loving you
I cannot wait to make this man a father. If he is that awesome a husband and friend can you just imagine what an amazing father he will be.