My Rock

No not the one I want to go crawl under until Sunday morning.  Not the one I want to throw at the whole world as my patience wears thin either.  And not this third rock from the sun, which is turning FAR TOO SLOWLY as we count down the days to test day!  I’m talking about DefTTC.  “I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I seem to forget to tell him how I feel, to show him my love is real”…  I know I sometimes don’t appreciate him enough, I don’t tell him enough just how much I love him and I don’t express just how pivotal he is in every breath I take. 

Yesterday was melt down day.  It had to happen eventually and Melissa’s news unhinged me a little.  It really felt as though my heart had broken for her.  It also set of a complete and utter terror in me.  A fear so powerful, that I don’t think I have ever felt anything like it.  By the time we went to bed last night I honestly felt like I could hardly breathe. 

And that’s where my rock came in.  He knows exactly how to handle me.  He always knows exactly what I need to get me through, how to push the right buttons.  And last night was no exception.  He kept telling me to be positive and pulling this really scary clown, big grin.  I don’t think he was trying to cheer me up.  I think he knew that what I needed was to be pushed over the edge and actually allow myself a great big cry.  And so he kept up the ridiculous faces, which started to make me angry, which is usually the best way to get me to cry.  And eventually I did.  And boy oh boy did it help.  Imagine if you will a pressure cooker where that little valve thing on the top is stuck closed and then someone comes along and releases the pressure, just enough.  It was as though I had a tight elastic band around every part of my body, squeezing the air out of me and suddenly the bands were cut.  DefTTC put his arms around me and cuddled me  and then I slept brilliantly last night – really really well.  Right through the night, no restlessness, just rest.  And today I feel fresh again and ready to face the last four days.

I should have known the day I tried to kick him out my room that I was in for trouble of the best kind with him.  We were flat mates, not at all in relationship and he had really wound me up.  I got so angry eventually that I tried to kick him out my room, but everytime I looked at him, I just burst out laughing again.  I eventually walked out the room to try to hold onto my anger and I still counldn’t.  Needless to say he still knows exactly which buttons to press, and just how far to push me.  And I love him more with each passing day. 

This man is the reason I want children.  He gave me faith in myself that I can be a good mother.  Every day he makes me smile.  There hasn’t been a day in the 14 years we have been together that he hasn’t made me smile, even if on the bad days it’s only fleetingly.  He makes me laugh at myself.  He brought light and hope and happiness into my life.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He always puts me and my needs first.  And he makes me a better person.

On our wedding night he made me a promise in a song that he has honoured and exceeded in every way imaginable.

… darling let me tell you now

If you ever have any doubts

Just look in these eyes and you’ll see the truth

Girl when it comes to my loving you

Always have

Always will

Take my word

I will love you until

The night has no stars

And the beat of my heart stands still

Always have

Always will

Times may not always be good

But who ever said that they would

But girl when life’s not fair

Just know that I’ll be there

With a shoulder to always lean on

And a heart that will always be strong

Through valleys and hills

Grey skies or blue

Girl through it all

I’ll be loving you


I cannot wait to make this man a father.  If he is that awesome a husband and friend can you just imagine what an amazing father he will be.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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10 Responses to My Rock

  1. ChrisN says:

    You’re making me cry!!! Beautiful post. You guys will make it through this. I pray you will get your BFP in 4 days time. You are both going to be awesome parents.

  2. Cathy Nel says:

    Awesome! You guys deserve your happy ending…. I’m thinking of you over the next 4 days. May you have the sanity to get you through

    PS – Thank God for our ‘Rocks’

  3. Melissa (The Sweetest Gift) says:

    Aw, beautiful post!

    I’m praying so hard that you get good news in 4 days time (and I’ve got a good feeling you will!)

    You know how terrified I was of a BFN and hey, it happened but you know what, it’s not as bad as I thought. I’m stronger because of this struggle and somehow I’m still alive and smiling on the other side. “Kyk noord en neuk voort”, “No use crying over spilt milk” and all that jazz 🙂

    All the best hun. Thinking of you!


  4. Emmy says:

    I’m really, really hoping for good news from you in four days! I’m glad you have such a great rock to support you.

  5. Angie says:

    What a touching post. I am fortunate to have a rock like that, too. Thank you for sharing your journey. I’ll be crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for you.

    ~ICLW #60

  6. mash says:

    I’m so sorry you are feeling down. Ugh, shit man, it sucks. But you have to keep believing, there’s actually no other option. I’m glad Def is being such a star!

  7. Me says:

    What a beautiful post!


  8. samcy says:

    This process breaks the strongest of us honey. Well done for lasting so long until you hit “rock bottom” 😉 hehehe (Yes I think I’m funny)

    I hope and pray that you get the good news you’re longing for in 4 days time.


  9. Lindsey says:

    That is so touching. I think that IF makes us strong when we have to be without realizing it. Sometime I feel so weak until I think about how someone else would walk in my shoes….. I hear people say to me that they cant even imagine how I do it. Truth is, I cant either. you do what you have to do because you have no choice.

    ICLW #145

  10. charliesbird says:

    good luck for your test this weekend.

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