CD5 today and I’m really not too sure if it is the meds having more of an impact on me this time, or just that I am more emotional than last time.
After our last (first) cycle I realised that I had been repressing almost all emotions for the entire duration of the cycle. It meant I was in a bizarre zen space where I was extremely calm, but I’m not convinced this wasn’t just all on the outside and that really on the inside I was just suppressing, pushing down any scary thoughts or emotional responses. I guess it was my way of protecting myself. Everyone tells you how you just need to keep calm and relaxed, but how on earth are you supposed to do that when you are going through the scariest and most exciting thing ever.
On Monday night I was nearly apoplectic when I couldn’t find a pair of trousers. I knew I wore them on Wednesday, but I simply couldn’t find them anywhere, not in the laundry basket, not in the ironing pile, not in the washing machine or tumble drier or on the washing line. And NO not in my cupboard either. I couldn’t believe the rage I felt building up inside me at the loss of these stupid trousers. Needless to say I decided to wear something else and went to bed. Luckily I did seem to calm down quickly, but honestly that level of frustration was ridiculous. But I know where it came from… A crazy notion that if I can’t even control where my clothes are how can I control this cycle. But I remember … oh yes, I CAN’T control the cycle. I have to just accept whatever comes!
And then yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat. I thought it might just be from my horrendous snoring, but it got worse as the day progressed and the muggy head (which I had from the stimms) turned into a sore head. So I started getting scared about what this would mean for the cycle. I phoned the clinic on the way home and the nurse said she would talk to Dr S and call me back. Well she only got around to calling me back this morning. When I answered the phone I had on my “I’m VERY sick” voice because I thought it might be someone from work (I decided to stay home even though I was feeling somewhat better this morning, to make sure I was taking care of myself and giving my body every chance to heal quickly). So the nurse said that Dr S had said if I am very sick I should probably cancel the cycle because if it doesn’t work he doesn’t want me blaming it on the sickness.
I started crying when she told me this. You see I woke up this morning with a muggy head and still a headache, but the sore throat is much better and the head is less sore. And so I am on the mend. I told the nurse I didn’t have any fever and am feeling better and she said it is entirely up to me to go on or cancel the cycle. So DefTTC and I had a chat about it and agreed to carry on. I am getting better and I never was THAT sick. I think I’ve told you before I’m a real baby when I’m even a little sick and I think being a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, made me over-react to a bit of illness. So we have the first scan tomorrow. And I will chat to Dr S again about the sickness, also by then I am hoping to feel 100% again.
All these things are just road bumps. As much as the emotional rollercoaster seems a little bumpy it actually feels better to be letting the frustrations and sacredness (and excitement) out a little and I’m hoping may make for a more outwardly crazy hormone riddled woman, but a calmer more ‘zen’ inner me.
I have been keeping up with the guided meditations, which I have to say have been great at relaxing me. The time I put aside for these is a great time to force me to take time for myself and focus on myself and just ‘relax!’
BTW – those damn trousers are still missing even after DefTTC also turned the house upside down looking for them??? Anyone got any ideas?