So yesterday we went in for the first scan of our cycle. All progressing quite nicely at CD6 lining at 6mm, four follies on the right (one quite small, but the biggest at 13mm) and three on the left. Actually he seemed fairly surprised at me having a 13mm follie at CD6 as last time I had one follie this size on CD8. But I am not reading anything into this, because let’s face it what does it mean… nothing! Just that this time one of my follies is bigger, doesn’t mean it’s better.
I know I’ve told you all this before, but the more I see Dr S the more I think he is absolutely awesome. He really is.I walked out of the scan floating on cloud nine. So hopeful and positive and excited, I was on th edge of tears just telling DefTTC how positive I was feeling (okay perhaps I really am somewhat more emotional this time round). And I spent a good part of the day trying to figure out why I had come away from the scan feeling so top of the world. I’m still not 100% sure, but I think a lot of it has to do with DrS. He is so positive and encouraging and I think that really helps. He said everything was looking excellent! And so I felt excellent!
I think during my last cycle I was scared and nervous and mostly just terrified of being optimistic only to be sorely disappointed if it failed. I could not relate to the blog and forum posts I had read by women who felt hopeful. You know the posts where the woman says “I just know it’s going to work “. I didn’t get it. I certainly didn’t feel that kind of hope. It’s not that I was negative, I simply wasn’t feeling much of anything. I worried about not feling more hopeful, but I kept repeating in my head the words I had heard my friends say “I’ve been positive during a cycle, I’ve been negative during a cycle and I’ve been neither and those emotions made no difference to the outcome.” And I know it’s true, one friend had completely convinced herself it wasn’t going to work, but it did. One friend convinced herself it was going to work and it did! So I didn’t beat myself up over it, but it played on my mind. I kept wishing that I could be more hopeful.
I think this time I have realised that I’m okay with being sorely disappointed becuase a BFN sucks regardless of the attitude you had for four weeks before. And I would much rather spend the remainer of this cycle excited and hopeful and positive. It feels awesome to feel this way and I plan to try to hold onto this for as long as I possibly can.
Obviously it’s ICLW again and during my visits to new blogs yesterday I picked up somethign I’ve decided to try which I think may just help with this feeling of positivity. The woman* said that she had a mantra she was saying to herself every morning before she even opened her eyes. I have slightly adapted it for me, but I keep repeating over and over when I feel like I’m about to stress, “I will be pregnant, I will hold our healthy baby in my arms, I am happy”
So next scan on Monday and I must still tell you about the TV crew that came to our house to interview my amazing and brave and awesome hubby (oh and me!). Oh and I am feeling much better, but still no sign of those damn trousers, I will heading to the shops this weekend to buy a new pair!