Trying to Hold Onto Hope

So yesterday was Egg Retrieval and I was so expecting to be telling you all about our five or six eggs and how we were now simply waiting for news of fertilisation.  But instead yesterday felt like it turned into my worst nightmare.  Now I know that is ridiculously overly dramatic, because let’s face it on this path there are always worse nightmares, I don’t have to imagine long and hard to come up with them. 

But when I woke up from that fabulous sleep from the yummy drugs I was told that out of my seven follicles they only found two eggs.  Just two… ONE, TWO… I started crying and simply couldn’t stop for most of yesterday.  Yes I know it only takes one egg and one sperm, but it’s all about the odds.  And besides which that is a piss poor consolation.  I feel so completely let down by my body.  I don’t know how to process this information, I cannot comprehend what it means or why this has happened.

Fabulous Dr S came to see us in the ward afterwards, once I was more awake and said that he was also very disappointed and that he wanted to see us in two weeks regardless of how this cycle turns out.  I was so upset and crying I couldn’t ask all the questions I should have.  I didn’t ask “why this happens”, “what it means”, “does this mean my fertility is failing us”, “should I be worried” or what I wanted to know most of all “what are the chances of this cycle succeeding now?”

In lieu of real information from my trustworthy doc, I spent a fair portion of yesterday dreaming up reasons this could have happened.  You know based on my extensive knowledge of IF (LOL – actually I’m not laughing at anything at the moment).  I came to the conclusion that maybe a year ago when there was suspected PCOS, they were right, but it was mild and so difficult to diagnose.  And now what if this has happened because I do have PCOS.  Then I wondered if this happened when your body started running out of eggs.  It does it’s good thing by working as hard as it can and producing follicles, but it has no eggs to put in them.  So this morning one of the first Google searches was “empty egg follicles” and lo and behold it yields and an article about how this is most likely to happen to women with diminished ovarian reserve, those over 40 (I’m not there yet) and those with PCOS!  So my crazy dreaming was not that far off base.  At this point I am trying to believe that this was just one of those once off occurrences, that I shouldn’t worry.  I’m trying, but it’s hard.

I’m not sure I can begin to adequately explain how disappointed I am in my body.  This was supposed to be my perfect cycle because I had done all the right things, done the exercise, been eating right, removed stress, done the meditation, gone for the massage.  I did everything I was supposed to do and yet we only have two eggs.  I’m trying to console myself with the stories of the women who have had successful cycles with just one embryo.  I’m trying, but it’s not easy.  I am terrified that this is the beginning of the end of my fertility, I’m so scared we waited too long to start down this road.  I am terrified that all those years in denial about wanting kids have cost me my chance of having them.  And I know there are options and I know this doesn’t have to be the end of the line, even if all these fears are true, that there are options, but it seems so unfair… we finally have sperm to work with and my body starts letting us down.

Worst of all is trying to hold onto the hope for this cycle.  Trying to keep thinking about those two eggs that we do have.  Waiting now for the call to tell us they have BOTH fertilised.  I am trying so hard to hold this hope in my heart, but I don’t think I know how.  In one day with one sentence, all my hope, all my positivity seems to have gone out the window.  I am now searching desperately for it.

Of course there is always a silver lining and it came in the form of the most amazing news that DefTTC’s sample yielded 1MILLION sperm!  Yes we have gone in one year from ZERO, nothing, nada to 1 Million!!!  And so there is something to be hopeful for.

About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in azoospermia, fertility Treatment, Infertility, ivf, Male Factor Infertility, PCOS, TTC and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Trying to Hold Onto Hope

  1. mash says:

    Shit, I’m so sorry to hear that. How many did you get last time? It’s possible that this was just a random event right? And also, sometimes when they change the drugs you get totally different results. It’s good news about Def, and in my heart I’m not feeling that this is a low ovarian reserve issue. It’s not over until the fat lady sings my dear…

  2. tasivfer says:

    I’m so sorry to hear you only had two eggs. I’m thinking of them now and hoping they are both doing really well! I hope you’re doing well too – that you’re able to sleep, that you can find some relaxing, that your mind isn’t spinning out crazily. (I only mention these things because it’s what I do – and I’m quite mad. I think better of you! 🙂 ) And great news about the 1 million sperm! That’s just amazing!!!

  3. Rebecca says:

    Oh hon! I can’t believe that there were only two eggs – hope you are doing okay. 1 million sperm is a fabulous result though hon. Praying that the two eggs work their magic and you get a positive outcome.

  4. Sabine says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your kak day, but I’m sending love and light to those 2 beautiful eggs they got – here’s to two beautiful embryos!!

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