Well as expected our cycle was cancelled. The nurse called this morning to let us know that Gulliver had still not divided and Prof was calling the cycle off. This time I didn’t even shed a single tear. We knew it was coming.
So we went into the clinic to meet with Prof. While we were in the waiting room one of the nurses Sr Kind (she was the one who has been giving us feedback at every step along this cycle) came over to ask how we were doing. She was awesome and I swear I think she even had a tear in her eye. She told us to not give up hope, that we had come so far having now got the sperm that we just had to keep going. She said that a cycle like this is like falling in a big pond, you sink to the bottom, but she said we have to allow ourselves to float back up to the surface and keep going. She explained that in every cycle you have a ‘packet’ of eggs and this month’s were just poor. She really was awesome.
Then we went in to see Prof. He was really great, expressing how disappointed he also was at the way things had turned out. He ran us through the whole cycle explaining everything. Best of all he said that he really doesn’t think this was a sign of anything wrong, anything we should worry about – just one of those things. At this point the tears started. I have walked around for the last four days convinced that there is something wrong with me, that we now had a new challenge on this road. I have had such a feeling that I wish I hadn’t started all this wanting a baby thing, that maybe it was getting too damn hard. Hearing that he didn’t think there is anything wrong was like someone had removed the world from my shoulders where I had been carrying it for the last four days. I cried with relief that this wasn’t all over for us.
We were totally expecting him to give us a long talking to about ‘lifestyle factors’, but surprisingly he said he had reviewed our file and we already followed all guidelines on lifestyle changes, no drinking, no drugs or medication, low caffeine, no smoking. The only thing he suggested was that I should lose some weight as this may help to improve the quality of my eggs and gave me some guidelines on diet. He said a loss of even 5% should make some difference. He basically said we should give it a couple of months, lose some weight and have another go. He suggested we go in to see him (yup unfortunately* we have now become a patient of the Prof rather than Dr S) towards the end of November so we can review my progress and plan the next cycle. He said that most of all he wanted us to go away with some hope and positivity.
*I say unfortunately not because I have any problem whatsoever with Prof, but because I adore Dr S and will really miss his bedside manner. I mean Prof is great, I mentioned that during our last cycle I really found him great, but he’s just not Dr S, however he is THE guy at our clinic and THE male factor infertility specialist in the world, so I know we will be in GREAT hands, getting the very best care and treatment
I mentioned to him that I had developed a pain in what I assumed was my right ovary, which was getting worse. He took me in for a scan and said that yes, my ovary has filled with blood, but it’s not too bad and it is nothing to worry about.
He then handed us over to Sr Smiley, who spent some time talking with us about suggestions on losing weight and suggested that she be my weight-loss ‘buddy’. I have to email her tomorrow my weight (as per my own home scale) and then pop her an email every week with my progress. She said it would help to have someone ‘watching’ my progress, which I know is true from how well the weekly weigh-in at Weigh-Less worked for me last year.
Then it was off to the accounts department to get some of the costs refunded! How awesome is that! The clinic has a policy that when you don’t get to transfer they refund you some of the costs! I was very impressed with this and it gives us a start on the savings for next cycle.
Yes, we have managed to walk away from this with hope that next time will be different and we are planning on doing our next (3rd!!!) cycle in January. Not sure I will ever go into a cycle so positive and hopeful again, you know there is just no going back after what we went through over the last few days. But I am back to believing that this will happen for us, it’s just a matter of when.