Somewhere along the line I have become the person I didn’t want to be, the person I swore would never be me. You see, as the uninitiated into the horrors of IVF and failed IVF cycles and worse cancelled IVF cycles I arrogantly thought I could avoid these things. That I could be different. That I was stronger, more together and better than that.
For so long along this journey I believed it was making me a better person, more compassionate, more caring and considerate, more aware of the fact that sometimes there are things others go through that you simply cannot relate to and so you need to go gently. It was making me a better friend, easier to be with and not so prickly. I thought it had softened me. In a good way, you see I spent my whole life being what my FIL calls ‘abrasive’. Putting up walls and barriers so that people (outsiders) can’t get too close and can’t hurt you. And finding a real support forum and finding friendship and support and advice offered with no agenda made me realise that this prickly exterior might be protecting me, but it was also keeping me from real friendships. I’ve gone on enough about the amazing friendships I have found on this road, friendships I really hope and believe are not just for a season or a reason, but are the kind that you carry with you for life. Those are thanks to infertility.
After our BFN on the first cycle I went into hiding and stopped blogging for a while. Because I was having such a dark time. I didn’t like the miserable, depressed, bitter and scared person that had reared her ugly head. I didn’t want to give that woman voice because by writing the things down what I was feeling I would be admitting to it. I would be making it real. And then people on the outside, people who are uninitiated would look at my blog and think, “She is so obsessed”, “She is letting this dominate her life”, “She is allowing infertility to run her life and change who she is and make her miserable and bitter and twisted”. You see as an uninitiated I thought those things sometimes. There were days when I would read a post on the forum or a blog post and think, “I won’t allow infertility to do that to me. I am stronger than that. I am so proud of the way I am coping!” I would arrogantly think, “I don’t need AD’s, I don’t believe in them, they are a drug and drugs are bad and drugs will impact your fertility”. So cocky, I would think, “I have an amazing husband who I can talk to about anything, I don’t need to see a therapist, I have a proper support network to carry me through the rough days” – HA!
You see only the uninitiated can honestly think that they too can avoid this. There are the fortunate few who do, the one’s who never get to stare down the terrifying reality of “maybe this isn’t going to happen for us”, “maybe after everything we have achieved, how far we have come, this journey could end with no healthy baby in our arms”. Because you see until you face this thought, I mean really face it, not just think intellectually about it, you are uninitiated. Until you are actually faced with repeated failure and the possibility of there being no happy ending, you are uninitiated. And as the uninitiated you have no idea how dark this place is.