The Arrogance of the Uninitiated

Somewhere along the line I have become the person I didn’t want to be, the person I swore would never be me.  You see, as the uninitiated into the horrors of IVF and failed IVF cycles and worse cancelled IVF cycles I arrogantly thought I could avoid these things.  That I could be different.  That I was stronger, more together and better than that. 

For so long along this journey I believed it was making me a better person, more compassionate, more caring and considerate, more aware of the fact that sometimes there are things others go through that you simply cannot relate to and so you need to go gently.   It was making me a better friend, easier to be with and not so prickly.  I thought it had softened me.  In a good way, you see I spent my whole life being what my FIL calls ‘abrasive’.  Putting up walls and barriers so that people (outsiders) can’t get too close and can’t hurt you.  And finding a real support forum and finding friendship and support and advice offered with no agenda made me realise that this prickly exterior might be protecting me, but it was also  keeping me from real friendships.  I’ve gone on enough about the amazing friendships I have found on this road, friendships I really hope and believe are not just for a season or a reason, but are the kind that you carry with you for life.  Those are thanks to infertility.

After our BFN on the first cycle I went into hiding and stopped blogging for a while.  Because I was having such a dark time.  I didn’t like the miserable, depressed, bitter and scared person that had reared her ugly head.  I didn’t want to give that woman voice because by writing the things down what I was feeling I would be admitting to it.  I would be making it real.  And then people on the outside, people who are uninitiated would look at my blog and think, “She is so obsessed”, “She is letting this dominate her life”, “She is allowing infertility to run her life and change who she is and make her miserable and bitter and twisted”.  You see as an uninitiated I thought those things sometimes.  There were days when I would read a post on the forum or a blog post and think, “I won’t allow infertility to do that to me.  I am stronger than that.  I am so proud of the way I am coping!” I would arrogantly think, “I don’t need AD’s, I don’t believe in them, they are a drug and drugs are bad and drugs will impact your fertility”.  So cocky, I would think, “I have an amazing husband who I can talk to about anything, I don’t need to see a therapist, I have a proper support network to carry me through the rough days” – HA!

You see only the uninitiated can honestly think that they too can avoid this.  There are the fortunate few who do, the one’s who never get to stare down the terrifying reality of “maybe this isn’t going to happen for us”, “maybe after everything we have achieved, how far we have come, this journey could end with no healthy baby in our arms”.  Because you see until you face this thought, I mean really face it, not just think intellectually about it, you are uninitiated.  Until you are actually faced with repeated failure and the possibility of there being no happy ending, you are uninitiated.  And as the uninitiated you have no idea how dark this place is.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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7 Responses to The Arrogance of the Uninitiated

  1. Kitty8218 says:

    I know exactly what you’re saying and I too was there once….. I am however initiated….. I have already faced that ‘dark’ place of the ‘what if it never happens for us’ I do so every day. It’s terrifying! It has changed me, I am the person that has allowed infertility to run my life and change who I am and it’s made me miserable and twisted. I hate that I’ve become that person but I tried to do it all alone and that’s what’s happened. I’m hoping that by seeing (finally) a psychologist I will get some of ‘me’ back…I just hope it’s not to late.
    I just wanted to say I identify with your post, i’ve been there, I am there….. it seems like the only thing that can haul you out is that BFP and a baby in the arms….without it I remain unchanged xxx

  2. mash says:

    I absolutely absolutely hear you. Having never had a fertility treatment yet, I almost felt “unqualified” to talk about that. But I have actually had to look the lion in the mouth with this thing, even more so now that I may have to face fertility treatment without a husband by my side. The biggest, scariest thing that any of us has to face on this road is that big maybe. The biggest, ugliest maybe of all. It’s like a hideous monster. But I’ve found that once you really look at it, and overcome that worst of all fears, things start to get a little easier and calmer…

  3. darylfaure says:

    Just catching up again on your posts and wanted to give you a big cyber hug and some words of encouragment. I thought you and your DH were brilliant on Carte Blanche and I take my hat off to you both. You have done the men of SA a big kindness and I pray you will be rewarded in due course.
    I’m so sorry your last cycle was cancelled. It must have been a dreadful blow. Do you mind me asking what protocol you were following and what drugs you were taking? had great success with my last IVF when my drugs were changed to a combination of Gonal F and Menopur, and where before I had averaged about 7 eggs per ET, on my last IVF I got 17 eggs.
    Your latest post is so profound and very true. For me, the failure of my 2nd IVF hit me the hardest. I eventually acknowledged I wasn’t coping and went to see a lovely therapist attached to the CFC who really helped me deal with my grief and put things into perspective. If you are interested in her details please let me know and I will pass them on.
    In the mean time just sending positive vibes and blessings your way.

  4. Lesley says:

    I wish I could come up with the perfect response that would really help but I don’t think that such a repsonse is even possible. All I can say is that many many successful couples have felt exactly what you are feeling. It looks completely impossible until it suddenly becomes a reality,

    My only assvice, focus on the facts (C’s count is getting better every month, you have stimmed much better before & your FS believes that you are still in the game) and try to not let the fears eat you up. Easier said than done but try to stick to the facts rather than the fears.

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  6. This is such a powerful and honest post. I have been there and back and understand exactly what you are feeling and what you are saying. There is not much that I can say to make you feel better. Just know that I truly understand this crap place.

  7. samcy says:

    So so true. Hugging you tight right now.


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