Thank you to all of you for the beautiful words of support and wisdom I received yesterday. I would never wish this darkness on anyone, but I am so glad for this community with people who can relate to the darkness. I won’t tell the story again of the man in the hole you can read it here, but every so often I am reminded that having people who have been in that hole to help you find your way out the darkness is really a life saver.
I received so many messages of support. People sharing their journey and darkness, people with suggestions on our protocol for next time, people with contact details of a therapist, people sending hugs and love and strength, people offering hope and positivity. Every one of those messages is so special.
And then this morning I got the perfect email from someone I had breakfast with on Sunday morning. L had got a small group together for breakfast at her place. The last time we were together was months ago. This email was so perfect I have to quote it for you:
On the drive home on Sunday I was thinking how far we have all come. I know that I was one of the lucky ones, and every day I thank the universe for this. But I was thinking that a few months ago when I met you the first time – there was a hardly pregnant girl, a girl planning surgery, and me with a small-ish baby, and a girl with NO sperm. And on Sunday I had a nearly toddler, the girl who probably least expected it was sitting with a baby in her arms, and the other pregnant in the kitchen (but with her shoes on), and you – WITH SPERM!!
Yes we are not the most convention group of friends our stories are varied, but around me on Sunday was hope – so much beautiful hope and I had failed to see if. So caught in my darkness, that I couldn’t really appreciate what was around me. That hardly pregnant girl months ago is now over 30 week pregnant and has proven herself time and again to be one of the best friends I have ever had. The girl planning surgery is still planning her surgery but her quest for her child came to such a sudden end when her and her hubby were chosen to adopt a perfect beautiful baby girl. I had the pleasure of meeting the gorgeous little toddler and he is such a lucky little boy with a relaxed, easy-going contented mother who is helping him to grow up in a world which is safe and calm and not scary.
And… yes we have sperm. In fact we now have lots of sperm – we have over 1 MILLION sperm! When we do our next cycle the embryologist is going to use his amazing new microscope (we are doing IMSI – I will talk about this soon) and he is going to be able to choose from over 1 Million sperm when he is selecting the very best ‘super-sperm’ to fertilise our eggs. And so I must find that hope again and I must stay focused on that.