Bringing Out the Demon in Me

Coming out so publically about our infertility has had one consequence I never foresaw… the loss of anonymity on our blogs.  I mean I sort of knew it might happen, but I guess I never really thought about the impact that might have on my writing.  I guess we all have a way we hope the world will see us and perceive us.  Or at least a way we hope the people who actually know us will perceive us.  And going through the trials and tribulations of infertility we often try to put on a brave face and smile over the tears.  We try so hard to remain optimistic and positive.  We hope the world will see how strong we are as we push through the tough times.  (or is this just me?)

My blog has been the place I could write my truth.  The place I could show the warts and all reality of infertility.  Because if I had readers they were almost certainly fellow-infertiles.  People who knew of the darkness through their own fight against it.  Well mostly.  I am aware of the infertiles who are just starting this journey and have not been jaded or scarred by the road.  Or infertiles who had early and quick success on their treatment route.   But now I think there may be readers who know us in real life who have researched their way to our blogs and may read from time to time.  Perhaps they read out of concern or to gain understanding, or perhaps just morbid curiosity (you know the reason we all drive slowly past an accident).  For some of these my darker moments may seem unnecessary and negative and morbid and ultimately distasteful.  And to them I say “F Off Then!”

I have decided that this is my blog, my space and I will give voice to what I want to.  In the past I have tried to avoid the overly negative or cynical rants.  I feared that putting words to the dark thoughts and feelings would make them too real.  I feared that if I wrote it down it would become too much a part of me.  But the reality is that what we experience is a part of us whether we like it or not.  The truth is that I have these feelings, they are already real, no point sweeping them under the carpet and pretending all is fine. 

Never fear I certainly don’t intend that this blog become a dark place.  Overall I still have so much hope that this journey will have the happy ending.  We have overcome such incredible odds to be in the place we are at now.  I am so grateful for the amazing man in my life who carries me through this all.  For the ‘real’ friends who provide support and understanding without judgement I can never say thank you enough.  I count  my blessing for our amazing families who have provided support in the ways they know best.  I have no reason for pervading negativity.  But the reality is that this journey takes a toll, it is a very expensive one.  As someone recently put it, my sparkle needs a polish!

And so I guess this is just to say if I am too raw, too dark or too negative for you – P!ss Off!  If I am too jaded by the process – Go Elsewhere.  There is no need to read my blog.  Now you were warned!

I think I have entered the ‘Anger’ stage of my grief after our cancelled cycle.  I find myself easily annoyed by people saying what I perceive to be stupid or insensitive or ill-thought-out things.  I want to scream at them “When you have walked in the shoes I have worn for the last 14 years since I first chose a man suffering with infertility, then you can open your mouth.  Until then… Shut The F Up!”

Yes I am angry.  It is even coming out in my dreams.  I woke up exhausted this morning from shouting at my bosses in my dreams all night last night.  I got angry at the radio DJ this morning for talking about how precious mothers are and how we should treasure them.  It’s not that I don’t agree, but it seems a slap in the face having lost my mother and not being allowed to be a mother!  I was so angry I nearly spat on my (new) blackberry when I saw the TWO facebook updates today which were beautiful scans of people’s babies faces!  And I would happily have thrown the scale out a window this morning when it said that after being so good on my diet for three weeks and working so damn hard to get healthy and lose weight that I have only lost 500g (yes about a pound).

But and it is a big but, the anger feels awesome!  Anger is so much more familiar to me and easy to cope with and it feels normal.   I can’t handle the darkness of denial.  I despise the weakness of depression.  And so I welcome the energy that comes with the anger – because it feels like I must be on my way towards acceptance so we can move on.  The anger has brought out the demon in me, so if you know me IRL beware.

And if you have stayed the course of this whole long diatribe – THANK YOU for being my therapists.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in Dreams, fertility Treatment, Friendship, Infertility, ivf, TTC and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Bringing Out the Demon in Me

  1. Mash says:

    Last time EDH and I broke up (yes there was a last time…) my counsellor said to me – how can you USE this anger without hurting anyone (including yourself) and it was so powerful. Anger is a wonderful, transformative energy, when used in the right way. It burns all the rubbish we carry around! It burns through all the excuses we make for other people… it’s great! Make the most of it. It’s healing you 😉

  2. Michelle says:

    I understand this pain. this grieving process is all too familair to me right now. I am in the denial/depression stage and I look forward to the anger.
    Thank you for not censoring your feeling or blog, I think it helps all of us 🙂 *hugs*

  3. Erika says:

    Cheers! Bring on the anger!
    And damn the scale – if you have been exersising more than usual, remember you could also have gained muscle weight – it should even out in a while!

  4. Kitty8218 says:

    I say…. AMEN SISTA!!!!

  5. darylfaure says:

    You are so brave to be able to give a voice to your feelings. Perhaps if I had done that, I wouldn’t have needed therapy (or maybe not). Regardless, you do and say and think whatever you need to to keep you going. This is your space and anyone who doesn’t get that can go and lfy a kite and find another happy space blog.

  6. dee says:

    Totally agree.

  7. Gwen says:

    Love you in a brave and “abrasive” (my new favourite word) mood.

    Facebook update that I’m currently fuming over : “I now know what its like to lose a loved one. My blackberry died today.”

  8. lifebytheday says:

    Stopping by for ICLW – hi! Everything that you wrote sounds SO familiar…especially “I feared that putting words to the dark thoughts and feelings would make them too real.” I think you are completely right to make your blog whatever you need it to be, screw whoever else is reading it! Wishing you luck…and peace.

  9. tasivfer says:

    As much as I LOVED seeing the video of your segment on the programme, may I admit now that I felt really strange when they put DefTTC’s name up in huge letters. Somehow it felt lovely to see your faces, but names are just so, um, strange for my bloggy friends! 🙂

    I’m glad you’re still being you. It’s really brave – but that’s you too. And anger can be good. Anger, although some think of it as negative, is also an emotion that can carry you over tough patches. It can keep you strong and keep you fighting! Don’t let the IF defeat you. 🙂

  10. Browniris says:

    I don’t think that you should have to censor your own blog! This is your place to write and vent and get support from people who understand. And I think it is okay to be angry right now! Hang in there!

    ICLW

  11. Marion says:

    I don’t think you should worry about the nosy people visiting your blog. I know a few people in real life that know of my blog and have read it, and I know most of them don’t read it anymore (my sister is one of them – she loves me, but she just cannot read about all this IF stuff almost every day). If it’s not interesting to them, they quickly stop – I think it gets tiresome to them.

    Like you said – it’s YOUR Blog – do what you want. Stuff al of them! This will all blow over soon! People get bored real easy!

    I hear you about those anger dreams – I also get them. It’s actually very tiring to dream about screaming at people like that, but I think we dream it because we cannot do it in real life. All the best for this grieving process – it’s not easy and it takes so much longer than we want it too!

  12. JL says:

    After going through many failed ivf attempts, feelings get cloudy & numb until anger sets in with always just one question “why?” It’s get difficult to know what you “should” feel as it gets further & further away. When people keep telling you to “keep going”, “don’t give up”. They mean well without really knowing what their words are doing. Everyone’s journey is different but it’s great to read a blog that is true, honest & uninhibited. Not that any of us need permission but it’s ok to be angry.

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