Coming out so publically about our infertility has had one consequence I never foresaw… the loss of anonymity on our blogs. I mean I sort of knew it might happen, but I guess I never really thought about the impact that might have on my writing. I guess we all have a way we hope the world will see us and perceive us. Or at least a way we hope the people who actually know us will perceive us. And going through the trials and tribulations of infertility we often try to put on a brave face and smile over the tears. We try so hard to remain optimistic and positive. We hope the world will see how strong we are as we push through the tough times. (or is this just me?)
My blog has been the place I could write my truth. The place I could show the warts and all reality of infertility. Because if I had readers they were almost certainly fellow-infertiles. People who knew of the darkness through their own fight against it. Well mostly. I am aware of the infertiles who are just starting this journey and have not been jaded or scarred by the road. Or infertiles who had early and quick success on their treatment route. But now I think there may be readers who know us in real life who have researched their way to our blogs and may read from time to time. Perhaps they read out of concern or to gain understanding, or perhaps just morbid curiosity (you know the reason we all drive slowly past an accident). For some of these my darker moments may seem unnecessary and negative and morbid and ultimately distasteful. And to them I say “F Off Then!”
I have decided that this is my blog, my space and I will give voice to what I want to. In the past I have tried to avoid the overly negative or cynical rants. I feared that putting words to the dark thoughts and feelings would make them too real. I feared that if I wrote it down it would become too much a part of me. But the reality is that what we experience is a part of us whether we like it or not. The truth is that I have these feelings, they are already real, no point sweeping them under the carpet and pretending all is fine.
Never fear I certainly don’t intend that this blog become a dark place. Overall I still have so much hope that this journey will have the happy ending. We have overcome such incredible odds to be in the place we are at now. I am so grateful for the amazing man in my life who carries me through this all. For the ‘real’ friends who provide support and understanding without judgement I can never say thank you enough. I count my blessing for our amazing families who have provided support in the ways they know best. I have no reason for pervading negativity. But the reality is that this journey takes a toll, it is a very expensive one. As someone recently put it, my sparkle needs a polish!
And so I guess this is just to say if I am too raw, too dark or too negative for you – P!ss Off! If I am too jaded by the process – Go Elsewhere. There is no need to read my blog. Now you were warned!
I think I have entered the ‘Anger’ stage of my grief after our cancelled cycle. I find myself easily annoyed by people saying what I perceive to be stupid or insensitive or ill-thought-out things. I want to scream at them “When you have walked in the shoes I have worn for the last 14 years since I first chose a man suffering with infertility, then you can open your mouth. Until then… Shut The F Up!”
Yes I am angry. It is even coming out in my dreams. I woke up exhausted this morning from shouting at my bosses in my dreams all night last night. I got angry at the radio DJ this morning for talking about how precious mothers are and how we should treasure them. It’s not that I don’t agree, but it seems a slap in the face having lost my mother and not being allowed to be a mother! I was so angry I nearly spat on my (new) blackberry when I saw the TWO facebook updates today which were beautiful scans of people’s babies faces! And I would happily have thrown the scale out a window this morning when it said that after being so good on my diet for three weeks and working so damn hard to get healthy and lose weight that I have only lost 500g (yes about a pound).
But and it is a big but, the anger feels awesome! Anger is so much more familiar to me and easy to cope with and it feels normal. I can’t handle the darkness of denial. I despise the weakness of depression. And so I welcome the energy that comes with the anger – because it feels like I must be on my way towards acceptance so we can move on. The anger has brought out the demon in me, so if you know me IRL beware.
And if you have stayed the course of this whole long diatribe – THANK YOU for being my therapists.