Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

Right now I am hating my anger.  I am hating the way I am reacting to everything.  I know I posted a few weeks ago about how the anger was liberating, but now it feels as though it is consuming me.  I feel as though this year has changed the fundamental of who I am and how I respond to things.  That’s not to say I haven’t always had a penchant for a little over-reaction and anger, but since our cancelled cycle (can you believe it is only a month ago – how can that not have been a year ago?!?) I have taken anger to new heights.  I find myself snapping at people, shouting at my stupid boss, dreaming furious dreams and waking up wound up already.

So last week I took the first step to address the anger.  It was Head Shrink on Tuesday and Body Shrink on Wednesday.  Yes I finally found myself a therapist and went to see her.  It was the most bizarre thing on earth sitting and telling someone my life story in one long diatribe.  And suddenly when I heard it all together like that I understood why I am so messed in the head, why I am reacting the way I have.  Suddenly I saw my life from the perspective of an outsider and saw that it has indeed been hard and it has had more challenges from an early age than is normal.  I realised how I became so tough and hard and why anger and aggression (abrasiveness) are my default position.  I am so hoping that the process of therapy will help me re-find myself and re-find my balance and ultimately re-find some peace regardless of what infertility deals me.

I realised that I have never dealt with the deaths I have faced in my life.  I haven’t grieved the losses.  And so I carry these people with me and the pain consumes me.  And I am sorry to say that our failed IVF (1st cycle) was like the loss of those three embies and I have been carrying them with me.  And then the cancelled cycle felt like the loss of my fertility* and suddenly the grief overwhelmed me.  And anger being my default that is what I turned to to keep putting one foot in front of another.

*I know it seems crazy that the second IVF is when I lost my fertility, but you see until that moment infertility was something Chris (Previously known as DefTTC – I figure we are out the closet) had, but we both suffered with.  Suddenly finding that my body had betrayed me by failing to produce healthy eggs it felt as though I had been diagnosed with infertility.  Crazy stupid head!

And then at Body Shrink Wednesday I finally saw the scale go in my favour!  Since our cancelled cycle I have been really watching my weight but it hasn’t been going very well.  So I took myself back to Weighless and started at the beginning again.  Weighing all my food and being an angel.  And it worked 1.2kgs down!  Whoo hoo!  So I am hating my fat too, but it doesn’t matter because I am destroying it!


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in Dreams, Infertility, ivf, Male Factor Infertility, TTC and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

  1. Kitty8218 says:

    Yup that anger is def something to deal with… everynow and then it goes into ‘remission’ then all of a sudden BAM it hits you again! I think the ‘head shrink’ is an excellent idea, well done on taking the first steps to working it all out…
    As for the weight loss – way to go!!! I just LOOOVE weigh less it put me on my path to ‘fat freedom’ and I have adopted those principals into my life. Enjoy watching the weight fall off as December approaches.

  2. Lesley says:

    The Head Shrink thing is the way to go IMHO but it is not easy. Being (sort of) happily repressed can be the easier path but I think the long run seeing a therapist to deal with the crap is better. Think of her like a professional waste removal service.

    I am glad you hate the anger, it means you will work to get rid of it as soon as it serves it’s purpose. IF will change you forever though 😦

    Congrats on the first weight loss, you are going to be one sexy babe…

  3. samcy says:

    Way to go on the weight loss! You keep on that great work 🙂

    As for the head doctor – we all end up seeing them at some point in our journey. They really do help us figure out how to deal with and work thru those feelings that we’re burying with each and every failure we experience.

    Thinking of you and Chris and praying everyday for your miracle to come soon.

    Much love

  4. Sweets says:

    Yay on the weight loss! (Something I am really wanting to get into, and have to, but things don’t seem to be going my way now…). Glad to hear you are seeing somebody and able to deal with some of your anger. There have been times I wished I had the courage to see someone…
    hear you are

  5. Mash says:

    I’ve had some anger spewing episodes recently, last night I had one that we call a fishwife episode in our family. Sometimes anger that we feel like we have dealt with sufficiently comes blowing out of us like lava out of a volcano, because of something stupid like a parking space. I’m proud of you for seeking help, it’s a courageous thing to do. It’s like taking a dirty plaster off a festering wound, putting some disinfectant in (hurts a bit) to clean it out, and then voila – the healing begins.

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