Right now I am hating my anger. I am hating the way I am reacting to everything. I know I posted a few weeks ago about how the anger was liberating, but now it feels as though it is consuming me. I feel as though this year has changed the fundamental of who I am and how I respond to things. That’s not to say I haven’t always had a penchant for a little over-reaction and anger, but since our cancelled cycle (can you believe it is only a month ago – how can that not have been a year ago?!?) I have taken anger to new heights. I find myself snapping at people, shouting at my stupid boss, dreaming furious dreams and waking up wound up already.
So last week I took the first step to address the anger. It was Head Shrink on Tuesday and Body Shrink on Wednesday. Yes I finally found myself a therapist and went to see her. It was the most bizarre thing on earth sitting and telling someone my life story in one long diatribe. And suddenly when I heard it all together like that I understood why I am so messed in the head, why I am reacting the way I have. Suddenly I saw my life from the perspective of an outsider and saw that it has indeed been hard and it has had more challenges from an early age than is normal. I realised how I became so tough and hard and why anger and aggression (abrasiveness) are my default position. I am so hoping that the process of therapy will help me re-find myself and re-find my balance and ultimately re-find some peace regardless of what infertility deals me.
I realised that I have never dealt with the deaths I have faced in my life. I haven’t grieved the losses. And so I carry these people with me and the pain consumes me. And I am sorry to say that our failed IVF (1st cycle) was like the loss of those three embies and I have been carrying them with me. And then the cancelled cycle felt like the loss of my fertility* and suddenly the grief overwhelmed me. And anger being my default that is what I turned to to keep putting one foot in front of another.
*I know it seems crazy that the second IVF is when I lost my fertility, but you see until that moment infertility was something Chris (Previously known as DefTTC – I figure we are out the closet) had, but we both suffered with. Suddenly finding that my body had betrayed me by failing to produce healthy eggs it felt as though I had been diagnosed with infertility. Crazy stupid head!
And then at Body Shrink Wednesday I finally saw the scale go in my favour! Since our cancelled cycle I have been really watching my weight but it hasn’t been going very well. So I took myself back to Weighless and started at the beginning again. Weighing all my food and being an angel. And it worked 1.2kgs down! Whoo hoo! So I am hating my fat too, but it doesn’t matter because I am destroying it!