Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Wow, some serious introspection required for this one.  Sjoe these are getting harder.  I’m thinking we may have to go password protected on some of these responses.  But I guess this is good preparation for the head shrinking session this evening?

I think there are two things here.  The first a little tongue in cheek.  I often think I wish I had never opened this infertility can of worms.  There are days I really wish I could go back and undo the emotions which overwhelmed me and prompted me to start down the road of trying to become a parent.  There are days I wish I had never admitted to Chris that I really wanted to be a mother, that I really wanted us to put ourselves through hell to achieve this hormonally driven dream.  There are days when I realise what hell I have put Chris through, and see what I keep putting him through every time I have a bad day and I resent what I did to us.  I see how much opening this door has changed me, changed us and changed the perfect life we were leading.  I brought in this thing which has made us feel like we were missing something.  Yet we never felt this missing piece until I opened my mouth.  And so I blame myself for the bad days.  I blame myself for the pain and exhaustion of what we are now going through. 

I guess I need to let this go.  Maybe just maybe we were never brave enough to admit to the elephant in the room that was our lack of kids.  Maybe it was the bravest thing I ever did to open myself to this pain.  But I so wish there was something I could do to protect Chris from this.  I wish I could control my emotions so that Chris wouldn’t be hurt by my pain.

Speaking of elephant in the room.  My mom died in February this year.  My mother killed herself, she took well in excess of 400 tablets.  I was the last person she spoke to. 

In my head I know that I am not responsible for the actions she chose to take.  And I think on most days I don’t blame myself.  But there is a nagging guilt, a doubt that I pushed her over the edge.

Funny enough this isn’t even the hardest part.  The hard part is forgiving myself for the relationship my mom and I had while she was alive.  Yesterday I spoke about my toughness.  But you see my mother was never that tough.  She also knew how to put on a brave face, but really my mother was like that really fine red wine glass, the slightest bump and it shatters.  I could never understand that fragility.  I so wanted my mom to be so much stronger.  I needed her to be stronger.  I needed to be allowed to be the child in our relationship, but it wasn’t like that.  Chris and I were chatting about her the other night and I said that I just didn’t understand how she deteriorated to badly and as we talked it occurred to me that she was never that strong to begin with.  She allowed me to grow up believing that she was strong, but really she was holding it together by a very fine thread.  And I don’t think I really realised it.  And I never made allowance for it.  I just couldn’t tolerate the weakness.  And that’s what I can’t forgive myself for.  And so I really hope the psychologist can help me learn to forgive myself for this.

There really are days that I feel as though until I have worked through and figured out how things went so wrong with my mother – I probably shouldn’t be a mother myself.  And on these days I need to learn to forgive myself for ‘jinxing’ our chances of falling pregnant.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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5 Responses to Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

  1. Mash says:

    Oh my gosh. That was a seriously heart wrenching post, tears in my eyes. I could write an essay on what I think!

    1. Somebody had to be the last person your mom spoke to. It happened to be you. Could have been anyone. Whoever it was wasn’t going to change what happened.

    2. You can have sympathy for the fact that she wasn’t strong, but she was still entirely responsible for her choices, including taking her own life. Nobody else will ever, ever be to blame for that. Even if the last words you said to her were the nastiest things you have ever said to anyone (and I seriously doubt that).

    One of the most empowering things I ever learned in my life was an affirmation from Louise Hay – “I am good enough”. Say it to yourself a few times a day and watch what happens…

  2. Debbie says:

    Wow! Such a beautiful, insightful and powerful post. My heart breaks for you. Although I don’t know you, something tells me that you are probably way too hard on yourself. That is something I think that many infertile women are guilty of. And as if the infertility isn’t enough, the situation with your Mom just adds so more more….more than words can describe. I am glad those little glimmers of “reality” are beginning to shine through the guilt and responsibility you have wrongly placed on your own shoulders. You have been through hell and you are a survivor….your writing shows just how strong you are. Keep fighting, girl! There will be better days!

  3. Its so funny how infertility is always linked to some kind of forgiveness……..but there is never really anything big we have done that needs to be forgiven. We always end up blaming ourselves somehow.
    I KNOW that I will regret the relationship I have with my dad at this time. But I have also realized that he is who he is….nothing I can do about it.

  4. samcy says:

    I can’t quite come up with an appropriate response to this right now… but I want you to know that you don’t have to forgive yourself for your Mom’s death. Those were HER actions honey. Not yours.

    Thinking of you and sending you much love!

    xxx

  5. tasivfer says:

    It’s hard to respond because so many of these things I could have written myself. No all – but. . .

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