Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

Four days in and I am beginning to wonder at the sanity in undertaking this challenge.  If I thought yesterday’s post was a hard one, that was only because I had no idea where today’s was going to lead me.  The following story says much about the length of time I have actually been battling infertility.  Normally I would say I am really not at all the type to carry a grudge, but about ten years ago something happened that I have carried all this time and never forgiven the person for.  It relates to a secret I have been carrying for all these years and so please forgive me if I am very vague about the details.

Around ten years ago a friend told me that they were pregnant and were going to abort the baby.  Bear in mind at this stage Chris and I had already been married a couple of years and I guess while we weren’t yet ready to have kids, for me the question was already there in the back of my mind.  I ‘knew’ we couldn’t have kids.  I knew what I had signed up for.  But that didn’t mean that I had accepted it, made peace with it or even began to realise what that meant. 

I won’t go into the details except to say that I was devastated, disappointed in my friend and so hurt.  I do know how crazy this sounds.  Why should I have been hurt, they didn’t do it to me?  Why should I be devastated, it wasn’t my baby that was never going to get to take a breath?  Why so disappointed? 

I think in my mind I wanted them to have the baby and give it to us.  I wanted that baby to be mine.  I would have given anything to take that baby away from the undeserving friend.  I could never even admit to Chris how much I wanted that baby, I could never open my mouth to say the words “just give it to me, I will love it, I will nurture it, I will give it life.”  How can you kill a child?  A child you created, a child which is part you, a child which cannot survive without you, is so defenceless.  They told me that they would have wanted Chris and I to be its god-parents and that felt like a slap in the face.   How can you care enough about someone to want them to have god-parents and then kill it?  I can’t explain how guilty I have felt over the death of that child, that I didn’t do more to save it.  That I didn’t persuade them to a different course.  I was so careful to try to be supportive and not force my own beliefs on them, not that I didn’t say anything about making a different choice…  But I couldn’t be responsible for their decision.  And for years how I wish I had opened my mouth and just asked for that child. 

I felt the death of that baby in a way maybe I had never felt the death of anything.  I cried endless, hot, sad and angry tears!  In fact I remember a day, taking a walk in the rain and literally howling out loud at the anguish I felt about what my friend was going to do to that baby.  It felt as though they were sticking a knife in my heart.  I felt a physical ache in my womb for months afterwards.  The ache of emptiness as though it were my body that baby was wrenched out of. 

After the abortion I have never looked at my friend in the same way.  I have never forgiven them for what they did to that baby.  And that pain and guilt that I was carrying for the death of the baby, I couldn’t forgive them for that either, and what I felt like they had done to me.  I think of that baby often, very often.  I have mourned it repeatedly over the years.  I have cried so many tears for the life that never was.  Whenever I think of it I get furious and so sad again.  I have never forgotten and never forgiven.  I wanted them to mourn it too.  I wanted them to feel the loss of the child that never was and knowing that they didn’t seem to feel that way, made me even more angry and hurt and determined to keep the memory of that child alive.  It’s a grudge made all the heavier by never talking of it. 

Over the last two years of our struggle to overcome infertility this grudge and pain and hurt has gotten heavier.  I have thought of that child even more.  And yearned to go back and just speak out.

But you know what, it isn’t my place to call them ‘guilty’.  This is not my grudge to bare.  This was not my ‘cross’ to carry.  This is their Scarlet Letter ‘A’ to wear.  And it is time for me to walk away.  I need to let go of that baby and forgive my friend in my heart.  It wasn’t my baby and it wasn’t me they did this to.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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7 Responses to Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

  1. dee says:

    You are so right, the baby wasnt yours neither did you have a say in their decision. People are very strange, if you had asked them to keep their baby they most probably would have said no, which may have ended up being even more devastating for you. Being pregnant, carrying a baby to term and delivering a baby meant for you would most probably have made them change their mind. Because it was so early they probably thought what they were doing was OK.

    The BFF that I mentioned on my blog the other day also had an abortion, she was 17. Still to this day its something that shocks me but she had her reasons so I have to respect that.

    Because of your journey through IF and because you knew it wouldnt be easy for you, you have identified with that baby all these years. I agree that its time to move on, forgive yourself but acknowledge that it truly wasnt your fault and neither was it your choice. YOUR baby is on their way, just keep holding that hope alive.

    PS I had one look at these questions and thought there just isnt any way I could cope now with the answers. You dont have to finish them if you dont want to?

    • Dee – if only it had been an early abortion, I may have taken it a little easier. This was at 18 weeks! And I do know that I could never have actually asked them for that baby, enough sanity prevailed for me to never venture there.

  2. Jennie says:

    So touching Dee is right it never was your decision and you will never know if your offer would have been accepted or changed their mind in any way. IF is so cruel is make up blame ourselves for all these things – if only this if only that . Be strong and know your time is coming and it is going to be the most beautiful experience that you have ever experienced – it will make all this pain seem light years away. This all we can do , keep sane and keep believing. Hang in there !

  3. Erika says:

    Tough one! I really hate people who smoke when pregnant – that’s how bad I am, I don’t think I can even forgive them for that! I really hope I never know someone who has/had an abortion, I don’t think I would be able to keep my mouth shut and not crucify them for it.
    Maybe one day I will be better at dealing with stuff like that, but at this stage of the journey I am truly not able to understand.

  4. I know how you feel. Someone close to me had an abortion around the same time as my miscarriage. They never told me until about six months after because they felt guilty FOR ME.
    Who knows how this world works!!!

  5. samcy says:

    I too have a friend who had an abortion with her now husband. At the time they were just dating and not all that seriously. I often look at them and their two children now and wonder if that other baby, the one they “threw away” would have made a difference in their family. I battle to forgive her for having had it so easy to conceive – with all her babies – even the one she “threw away” at the time.

    I often wonder if she thinks the same way I do?

    You know, you did what you thought right at the time honey, even if in YOUR heart / ethics it was not right. I hope you can forgive your friend (and in the process let that little soul go to where they belong safe with Our Heavenly Father)

    Much love and hugs


  6. Mash says:

    I discovered a few years ago that quite a few of my friends have had abortions. I guess that I will never really be in their shoes to have to make that decision and so I can’t judge.

    But I think in your case, maybe the baby also symbolised your fertility? Of course you were crying for that little baby, but maybe you were also crying for yourself, for something that you hadn’t come to terms with yet about you guys?

    I’m flabbergasted that the abortion was at 18 weeks, didn’t think that was even allowed.

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