Okay, so back to the land of easier things. The last two days have been emotionally very hard. But very cathartic. When I signed up for this challenge, that is what I was hoping for… finding a little peace by actually letting go of some of the baggage I have been carrying around my whole life. This process has fitted so well with seeing a therapist and starting to confront myself face to face, warts and wrinkles and fat and all.
It’s hard to limit yourself to just one thing you hope to do with your life. Especially when you have decided to stay away from the one really obvious thing I hope to do in my life…
A few years ago, Chris and I went away for a weekend to think about the direction our lives were going in. It was a weekend to make a decision, to stay in London or sell everything and hit the road. Throw caution to the wind and live the dream, or stay and pursue those career goals I was starting to realise. The decision we made that weekend would have been a good one, but as it turned out we never went through with it. But the reason I bring up that weekend is because we made a ‘bucket list’. A list of things we wanted to do before we ‘kicked the bucket’. Actually this was before that movie and we didn’t call it our bucket list.
Now a little older and wiser, I don’t think that list is the same as what I would choose now. Then the list was all full of place to go and things to see. It was all about the adventurous spirit of exploration and experiencing new things. Truth be told, mostly, it was a very selfish list. That’s not to say that I don’t still hope to buy a truck and travel the world with my amazing man by my side. I do still long to travel Africa, to see the herds grazing on the open veld, to watch a lion and her cubs, to sip tea in Marrakesh. I do still yearn for South America, to see Machu Picchu at sunrise, to float along the Amazon watching the animals in the jungle, to see the glaciers of Tierra del Fuego, to talk with an Andean local. I long to return to Central America and the beautiful waters and whale sharks and the Mayan ruins. I dream of driving to Graceland with my Dad, of looking up at the Giant Redwoods and seeing the fall leaves of New England. I want to see the Terracotta Army and walk the Great Wall. I want to go back to Rome and marvel at the Roman Forum and throw another coin in the Trevi. I want to dive the great barrier reef. Yes the wanderlust is still in my blood, but that’s not all.
Today my list would be a little different. Funny enough, today I go back to closer to the things I aspired to do with my life when I was still niaive and young. It’s a little more about changing the world. And it all comes out of Infertility.
I want to make a difference to the infertility community. Whether that is in the small ways of leaving a comment or post on a forum or blog which helps to brighten someone’s day, lessen their burden or help them to realise they are not alone. Or if it is by writing these open and honest and terrifying posts so that other can see they are not alone in their crazy thoughts. Or by helping to create an in fertility magazine, or appearing on TV to raise awareness, or by writing a book, or organising get-togethers, or signing a petition, or just simply standing in my office and admitting that I am battling infertility. I feel the need to give back to this community that has carried me through some of the hardest days of my life.
And so if I can only choose one thing which I hope to do in my life it is to make a difference to the infertility community, even if only to ease just one person’s journey along this path.