Sorry for the delay in getting back to this challenge. I have been hectic at work, really crazy busy! And this particular post had me more stumped than some of the previous ones. And I decided it was more important to do it properly than just slap something out to get done in the 30 days.
If this post was just about someone I need to let go, it would be easy, but the slant of someone I wish I had never met, really threw me. You see, while one or two names came to mind, when I really examined these thoughts, they just weren’t true. I don’t think there is anyone I wish I had never met. Yes some people make your life hard, or unpleasant, but every person has had a lesson to teach me, even if the lesson is how not to behave or be. And so I am going to pretend this is just about letting someone go.
Last year just as the dreadful reality of our infertility was starting to really dawn on me, I had a dream from which I woke up crying and with a sadness so deep inside I thought it would never go away. I had dreamt of Chris’ Aunt. She had been like a surrogate mom to the two of us the whole time we lived in the UK. For both of us being so far away from our families she just stepped in and filled the gap. She never ever tried to be a mother to either of us, but her home was like your family home. We would go visit and leave two days later, just so comfortable to be there, relaxed and welcoming and happy. It was in her home that Chris proposed to me nearly 13 years ago!
Sadly she developed a brain tumour that eventually killed her three years ago. We knew when we left the UK that we were saying goodbye to her, that we would never get to see her again, see her smile, have a hug… And so when she actually died it didn’t feel totally right to mourn her, because it felt as though we should have done that already. I was devastated by her death, but simply couldn’t speak about it. I never really cried. If I tried to talk about her, I got the biggest lump in my throat, so bad it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I’m not sure why these sentences are written in the past tense because when I think of her now it is still the same. A loss I cannot put words to because I feel the need to grieve her some much more than seems reasonable.
Anyway in the dream I was with her and I had to untie a bow around her, but if I did I would lose her and my heart would break.
I was so sure the dream was about our infertility. Because she was such an awesome mother figure, I felt like she was a symbol for my own ability to be a mother. I thought hat untying that bow was about letting go of my dream of being a mother. Just letting that pass.
But now I realise that actually that dream was telling me I have to let her go. I have to allow myself to let those tears flow for her and say goodbye once and for all.