Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

Sorry for the delay in getting back to this challenge.  I have been hectic at work, really crazy busy!  And this particular post had me more stumped than some of the previous ones.  And I decided it was more important to do it properly than just slap something out to get done in the 30 days.

If this post was just about someone I need to let go, it would be easy, but the slant of someone I wish I had never met, really threw me.  You see, while one or two names came to mind, when I really examined these thoughts, they just weren’t true.  I don’t think there is anyone I wish I had never met.  Yes some people make your life hard, or unpleasant, but every person has had a lesson to teach me, even if the lesson is how not to behave or be.  And so I am going to pretend this is just about letting someone go.

Last year just as the dreadful reality of our infertility was starting to really dawn on me, I had a dream from which I woke up crying and with a sadness so deep inside I thought it would never go away.  I had dreamt of Chris’ Aunt.  She had been like a surrogate mom to the two of us the whole time we lived in the UK.  For both of us being so far away from our families she just stepped in and filled the gap.  She never ever tried to be a mother to either of us, but her home was like your family home.  We would go visit and leave two days later, just so comfortable to be there, relaxed and welcoming and happy.  It was in her home that Chris proposed to me nearly 13 years ago!

Sadly she developed a brain tumour that eventually killed her three years ago.  We knew when we left the UK that we were saying goodbye to her, that we would never get to see her again, see her smile, have a hug…  And so when she actually died it didn’t feel totally right to mourn her, because it felt as though we should have done that already.  I was devastated by her death, but simply couldn’t speak about it. I never really cried.  If I tried to talk about her, I got the biggest lump in my throat, so bad it felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I’m not sure why these sentences are written in the past tense because when I think of her now it is still the same.  A loss I cannot put words to because I feel the need to grieve her some much more than seems reasonable. 

Anyway in the dream I was with her and I had to untie a bow around her, but if I did I would lose her and my heart would break. 

I was so sure the dream was about our infertility.  Because she was such an awesome mother figure, I felt like she was a symbol for my own ability to be a mother.  I thought hat untying that bow was about letting go of my dream of being a mother.  Just letting that pass.

But now I realise that actually that dream was telling me I have to let her go.  I have to allow myself to let those tears flow for her and say goodbye once and for all.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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3 Responses to Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

  1. Mash says:

    This might sound a bit airy fairy. But when you release the attachment you have to someone who is “on the other side” you set them free in the spiritual realm. Kind of like setting a child free in a playground. A medium once explained that to me about my Dad. It doesn’t mean you love them any less, in fact in a way it’s like loving them more. And maybe (getting even more abstract now) by untying the ribbon to someone who was a wonderful mother figure to you, you are allowing the space for you yourself to become a mother figure?

  2. Your dream has such beautiful symbolism. Sometimes with a dream like that, the meaning continues to become clear to you months or even years later. With infertility there is so much of which we are forced to let go. I wish you all the best in your journey!

  3. Randi says:

    Here from ICLW 🙂 Thanks for this very sweet post. I too don’t really have anyone I’d rather not have had in my life. All of my experiences and past people have made me into the person I am today.. and I’m so better for it. So grateful to anyone I’ve known, no matter how difficult or terrible it seemed at the time. Letting people go, however, is a totally different story.

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