I know I have been a bad blogger, but life has become really busy with little time at work to go to the loo or eat lunch much less do my trawling through blogs and the forum or write my blog. But since our cycle started I have been wanting to post, because everything about this cycle feels different from the previous two and I want to capture how awesome this is.
Hindsight really is 20/20 vision and now feeling as good as I do going into this cycle I can see how terrible I was feeling going into the last cycle and how numb and emotionless I felt going into the first cycle. With both of the previous cycles I was so focused on protecting myself from the hurt of a failed cycle that I didn’t really allow myself very much room to hope. I was too scared to really embrace the possibility that this could be good news, that this could all work out. And to protect myself I seemed to shut down some of my emotions. During that first cycle I said I felt like I had found a ‘zen’ place, but really it was just an empty void with everything appearing as though muted in colour.
If I think about the circumstances around our last cycle (the one that was cancelled) I am suddenly not at all surprised that my body wasn’t in optimal operating condition. Two weeks before we started the cycle we scattered my Mom’s ashes and all the hurt and pain of her suicide was still reverberating in my head. The week before we started I ran the biggest event ever at work (for 800 people) and was spinning and not getting enough sleep and VERY stressed. My new (at the time) boss was driving me to the brink of insanity with his stupidity. The day the cycle started we went to my neice’s first birthday party and faced a house full of gorgeous little kids…
My body wasn’t just running on reserve, those reserves were running low. I had no real energy for the cycle, but I just wanted to get on with it. And when I got sick on the second day of stims and the nurse suggested I cancel the cycle I couldn’t get off the rollercoaster, I had to keep moving on, I just didn’t know how else to do it.
Only now that I have light back can I see how dark that space was that I was in. No wonder the wheels fell off when the cycle was cancelled.
I had no idea that IVF could feel positive and hopeful and bright. All the work in the last few months is paying off, I am feeling confident in myself, I feel hope and have real perspective on things, not the crazy irrational thoughts that would dash around my brain. I have made peace with my childhood and realised that so many things that felt like my fault were the result of growing up with a mother who had a personality disorder. I have got myself out of the project with the idiot boss, I have an amazing colleague who is really helping to lighten the load and taken so much of the pressure off. Chris has just landed a new contract which will ease things financially. I lost 6% of my body weight. I took a holiday and de-stressed. I took the DHEA for over 6 weeks. I have done my homework for this cycle. This is the headspace we would all choose to be in going into IVF. If only we could control these things.
I have never understood those women who said things like, “I just know it’s going to work”, I’m not there yet, but I can at least understand how someone could have THAT much hope. I have never even calculated the month that I might be due if the cycle worked for fear of how I would feel when that month came around if the cycle didn’t work. Yesterday was my birthday and I found myself thinking, “if this cycle works, I will look back on this birthday as the day I was 4 days pregnant” (As an aside what a silly way to calculate how far along you are, don’t they know you haven’t released the egg and there is definitely no fertilisation …) Do you see that positivity. One friend said to me “that it is totally normal and doesn’t everyone do that sort of thing?” Not me before now. Another friend summed it up perfectly when she said it is just showing how ready I am for this cycle. And I am.
So tomorrow it is off for the first scan of the cycle (CD6) and fingers crossed we will see some decent response to the stimms.