We are wasting no time and jumping straight back into IVF#4!
Yes, yes I can heard the gasps of horror, that we have taken no time to lick our wounds properly, no time for my body to return to normal, no time for the reality of the BFN to sink in. And yes all of this is true.
Within moments of hearing of the BFN we were already discussing whether we shouldn’t just go straight into the next cycle. It just feels as though so much work went into getting ourselves (well me especially) into the right place to do IVF#3 in the first place that it seems a waste not to leverage that hard work while the going is good. I am still feeling so strong, so capable of dealing with whatever a cycle throws at us.
And then over all this is the fear that if I step off this rollercoaster, even for just a moment, I won’t get back on it. The fear that if I give myself a chance to really process this BFN and the pain and the disappointment, that I will chicken out of ever putting myself through that again. That maybe I will decide that I just don’t want kids that much.
And I know I am not ready to give up on this journey yet. On Friday we stopped in at my cousin’s 21st birthday party and her folks had put together a selection of video clips from her life and I found myself with tears in my eyes when her little brother was born. I remembered how overwhelmed I was when my baby brother was born and how I was swept away all over again when my little sister came along. I remember ‘playing mom’ with them, imagining they were my children and I was their mother and I knew all over again, that this is what I want and I am sick and tired of waiting for this.
So here we go again. I will start the stimms tomorrow.
Have exchanged a few emails with the beloved Dr S, who has confirmed that there is no scientific reason not to get straight back into a cycle. I also never had much in the way of the usual IVF side effects, little bloating, not overly emotional and so I feel that I can tackle the ride again.
Dr S has agreed to mix things up a little, will be changing my stimms, dropping the Clomid and replacing it with GonalF, alongside the usual menopur. He also has a few other crazy ideas but we will discuss these in more detail before making the decision.
If you are stopping by from ICLW, just to bring you up to speed, we have just had our IVF#3 fail, IVF#2 was cancelled after we only had two eggs, only one fertilised and then that lone emby failed to develop at all. IVF#1 was a BFN.