I can’t quite explain how I have been feeling about this cycle until now. I guess I really understand for the first time ever that I have NO CONTROL over this. And this cycle has been progressing so quickly because I have no expectations. That may sound bizarre, but I tried thinking positively and it didn’t work, my first cycle I didn’t hold much hope and it didn’t work. My state of mind will not impact the success of the cycle, but it will impact the way I feel. Whether I have a massage or don’t have a massage, whether I meditate or don’t meditate, whether I eat pineapple and brazil nuts or I don’t, whether I have a glass of wine or I don’t, whether I exercise or I don’t, whether I remember all my meds or I don’t, noting will make a difference.
I have heard a few times that I “will fall pregnant when I stop trying so hard”, this from two different psychics (not my psychics, I am too much of a cynic for that). Now how on earth do you stop trying so hard. When you simply CANNOT fall pregnant without IVF, how do you try without trying ‘so hard’. What does that look like, what does that even mean. And I think I have figured it out. I cannot control this and I need to embrace the lack of control – not at all easy for me the control freak, who won’t even let the fertility nurse do my injections.
I got a call from my cousin last night, she wanted to see how we are doing and said that she really believes that the science will come through for us. I found myself totally welling up because I am finding other people’s optimism so hard to handle. Not that I am not optimistic, but that is not the same as “knowing” that it “will” work, if you know what I mean. I believe that if we don’t do IVF we will not fall pregnant, but just because we do IVF does not mean we will fall pregnant. I think there is no reason it won’t work, but that doesn’t guarantee that it will work.
This same cousin then told me a freaky story about how her Dad sat down at the compute the other day and the fax machine started printing and it printed my Mom’s name and phone number?!? That made me all emotional as well because she said that my Mom is making contact. It just makes me wonder why my mom isn’t making contact with me. But then I realise it’s because I don’t believe in this whole “making contact thing”
Anyway, yesterday we got a call from the clinic to let us know that Dr S was going to be around to do our CD8 scan this morning after all! Yah!!! So this morning we went in for my scan. And I am thrilled with what we have. 5 follies, one which is already 16mm, there was one at 14mm and didn’t get details on the others, but also looking a fair old size. Best of all was my lining. For the first time ever I am in a cycle with NO concerns whatsoever about my lining. As soon as wandy was in he said wow look at that lining, three lines! And yes, there were three very clear lines. The lining is 9.6mm!!! That is 2mm better than my previous best! So I am going to say it, I know that it is early days and this one event does not make a convincing case study, but I believe, for me, GonalF is better for my lining! Yah! So we didn’t need a rest after our last cycle, just a little change.
So here we go again, next scan Wednesday and probably ER on Friday or Saturday, depending how things are going on Wednesday.