A Change is Better than a Rest

I can’t quite explain how I have been feeling about this cycle until now.  I guess I really understand for the first time ever that I have NO CONTROL over this.  And this cycle has been progressing so quickly because I have no expectations.  That may sound bizarre, but I tried thinking positively and it didn’t work, my first cycle I didn’t hold much hope and it didn’t work.  My state of mind will not impact the success of the cycle, but it will impact the way I feel.  Whether I have a massage or don’t have a massage, whether I meditate or don’t meditate, whether I eat pineapple and brazil nuts or I don’t, whether I have a glass of wine or I don’t, whether I exercise or I don’t, whether I remember all my meds or I don’t, noting will make a difference.

I have heard a few times that I “will fall pregnant when I stop trying so hard”, this from two different psychics (not my psychics, I am too much of a cynic for that).  Now how on earth do you stop trying so hard.  When you simply CANNOT fall pregnant without IVF, how do you try without trying ‘so hard’.  What does that look like, what does that even mean.  And I think I have figured it out.  I cannot control this and I need to embrace the lack of control – not at all easy for me the control freak, who won’t even let the fertility nurse do my injections.

I got a call from my cousin last night, she wanted to see how we are doing and said that she really believes that the science will come through for us.  I found myself totally welling up because I am finding other people’s optimism so hard to handle.  Not that I am not optimistic, but that is not the same as “knowing” that it “will” work, if you know what I mean.  I believe that if we don’t do IVF we will not fall pregnant, but just because we do IVF does not mean we will fall pregnant.  I think there is no reason it won’t work, but that doesn’t guarantee that it will work.

This same cousin then told me a freaky story about how her Dad sat down at the compute the other day and the fax machine started printing and it printed my Mom’s name and phone number?!?  That made me all emotional as well because she said that my Mom is making contact.  It just makes me wonder why my mom isn’t making contact with me.  But then I realise it’s because I don’t believe in this whole “making contact thing”

Anyway, yesterday we got a call from the clinic to let us know that Dr S was going to be around to do our CD8 scan this morning after all!  Yah!!!  So this morning we went in for my scan.  And I am thrilled with what we have.  5 follies, one which is already 16mm, there was one at 14mm and didn’t get details on the others, but also looking a fair old size.  Best of all was my lining.  For the first time ever I am in a cycle with NO concerns whatsoever about my lining.  As soon as wandy was in he said wow look at that lining, three lines!  And yes, there were three very clear lines.  The lining is 9.6mm!!!  That is 2mm better than my previous best!  So I am going to say it, I know that it is early days and this one event does not make a convincing case study, but I believe, for me, GonalF is better for my lining!  Yah!  So we didn’t need a rest after our last cycle, just a little change.

So here we go again, next scan Wednesday and probably ER on Friday or Saturday, depending how things are going on Wednesday.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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11 Responses to A Change is Better than a Rest

  1. Heather says:

    Maybe having no expectations is easier than thinking positively ?! I also find other people’s optimism hard when you have repeated failures. I think “you will get through this” is better than “oh of course it will work”.
    Oh well at least you had your doctor and the lining is looking good.
    Holding thumbs for you.
    Heather

  2. Sharon says:

    I am of the school of thought that the outcome of your IVF has already been determined and nothing you do will change it. I know some people think thats negative, but thats how I approached all my IVFs. One doesn’t need the additional pressure of thinking that the reason I cycle failed was because you weren’t positive enough or healthy enough or …..

    All the best! Rooting for you all the way!

  3. Yvonne says:

    I have been following your blog for a while now and i’ve been through many ivf’s before we finally got a bfp. I agree with Sharon. It took me a while to realise that nothing i do will affect the outcome, whether i am thinking positive or negative, stressing or not, drinking the odd wine of glass or not. Just do whatever to get you through that awful 2ww. Btw my RE is also Dr S at VP, love him to bits – you are in such good hands. Good luck!

  4. samcy says:

    Sjoe, Nita you’ve been a busy chicken, I’ve just got caught up. I’m so glad that the new stim protocol seems to be working better for you and am hoping for those follies to grow nice and plump with excellent quality eggs inside them! My gonal/menopur protocol resulted in Clam so you just never know!

    Thinking of you and praying HARD.

    xxxx

  5. Coco says:

    GL J. During our TTC years I tried to do everything right, lost weight etc. The last year I let go, I ate what I wanted, we had sex when when we felt like it, no matter what cycle day it was. When we started IVF the only thing I cut back on was my drinking, I am 2 to 3 glasses a night girl, and I knew it would be to hard to stop completely and I cut down about 2 weeks before IVF. I still had my occasional glass of wine twice a week. The Sunday before ET scheduled for the next morning I had a huge glass of wine. It is not that I did not care or did not desire a LO I just realized as you said, no matter what you do it can not guarantee a positive outcome. I know I am going to be crucified by some, but really hun do what works best for you!

  6. Gwen says:

    Everything sounds as though it’s going very well. You sound as though you’ve achieved a great balance of hope and realism, and I can imagine the effort it takes to maintain that balance. Cheering you on for this cycle.

  7. Magic Mama says:

    Can’t believe it’s coming up so fast! I am always wanting to hurry up and get to the next cycle, but my RE office is too busy. Now I’m wondering how it would truly feel. You really haven’t had time to feel one way or the other! Maybe that’s a good thing. It just… IS. Pulling for you so much that this is it.

  8. cstelle says:

    Hi There

    Yes ,it was me talking to you this morning, I am following your blog and the site , so I knew you are at the clinic. Saw your name on the list…always nice to put faces to the names.

    Good luck with your cycle!!!!

  9. Mrs. Gamgee says:

    That’s great news about your lining!! Hoping and praying that this cycle is the one for you!

    ICLW

  10. tasivfer says:

    What a fantastic lining!! 3 healthy layers!! That sounds magnificent! And unfortunately, it will happen when it happens. I think attitude and mental state are good to work on because they are how you get through the day, but I think it just happens when it happens. But I have everything crossed that it happens SOON for you two!

  11. Cam says:

    I agree…have been all the way down the IF garden path, doing what’s right, then letting go and nothing, but nothing seesm to have made the slightest difference…when it is time it is time – worst possible scenario for us control freaks! I have learnt that we have no control…keep a balance of realism and hope and never never give up while you feel the desire to become a mother – in whatever way that will be.

    I am cheering for you all the way!!

    Sorry I missed you at the clinic – would have loved to meet you!!!
    Camxx

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