Egg retrieval was this morning which my amazing Dr S did. They got 4 good eggs, not sure how many times I asked whether they were mature and he kept reassuring me all four are mature. Most important of all Dr S came to let me know that the count this time on Chris’ sperm was 10million, with 70% motility!!! Can you believe that less than a year ago we still had 0 sperm! And just one month ago we had 2million, so we are looking at an increase of four fold! It is so amazing to see all those injections finally paying off. My poor hubby has endured in excess of 300 injections in about 18 months! He has really been so willing to do whatever it took to get us our babies and the proof is in the pudding.
This cycle has gone so quickly and being right on the heels of the last cycle has been very easy to get through, but the last couple of days have become tough. I think I always thought that the more IVFs you went through the easier it would become because you know what to expect and to some extent that is true. But I have also learnt the hard way that you can’t ‘expect’ anything on this journey because one cycle you have retrieval on CD15, the next cycle AF arrives 5 days late, the cycle after that you have retrieval on CD12, one cycle every follicle has a mature egg, the next cycle almost all our follies are empty. You cannot in this case count your chickens before they hatch. And I have gotten much better at rolling with it and taking things as they come. But more than that with each failed cycle come a growing fear, a fear that maybe this isn’t going to work, a fear that you will never have the happy ending to the story. And that fear can consume you in the dark hours.
Thanks to the amazing work I did with my therapist I have learnt to ignore the irrational thoughts a lot more, but when things get intense, those thoughts can get very loud and the more rational thoughts get drowned a little. So last night I decided to take a long hot-ish bath and as that warm water surrounded me the tears started and the sobs and the fear reared its ugly head. I decided to not hold it back, realised that what I needed was to allow the stress and tension and fear a voice for a little while. And once the sobs subsided the rational voice could be heard whispering, that the last cycle, while it didn’t work showed that there is no reason to believe that this will never work.
That settled me some, but this morning, the nerves started in again. It was so bad that when they took my blood pressure prior to the retrieval Sr. M asked if I was anxious because my normal low blood pressure was a bit higher than normal (how cool is it that she knows my normal blood pressure without checking my chart). So I had to admit I was in fact very anxious and then started crying again.
Anyway, I distracted myself with the Fertilicare forum while I waited to go through to theatre which at least meant I wasn’t lying in the bed overcome with fear the way I was last time. And I kept it together right through, until I came out and Dr S came straight out behind me to let me know that we had 4 eggs. As soon as I heard all four eggs were good, I started crying in relief. And that was the final release of this stages fear and tension. Of course the following news about the sperm count put the fears further to the back of the drawer and now we simply anxiously await our fertilisation report tomorrow!
But did you hear – we have 10 million swimmers!