It’s Official – I am Crazy!

This wait to test day has been the worst ever!  EVER!  All previous cycles seem easy in comparison.  I’m really not sure why this one is so much worse, but the rollercoaster just will not let up. 

I have never been so all consumed by the wait.  I find I simply cannot concentrate on ANYTHING at work.  It is made worse by the fact that work has gone from full on, hectic and stressful with plenty to keep me distracted to quiet.  Not to say I don’t still have work to do, but all I want to do it stare at the images on www.visembryo.com.  I want to stare at those images and hope beyond all words that my embryos (well at least one of them) is looking like that and doing what it says they should be doing.  I want a little monitor that they could have put on my embies before transfer which  just tells me every second that they are still alive.  By now they have either implanted or they haven’t – nothing can change the outcome.

I am about to depart on the crazy talk, so brace yourself…

I don’t feel pregnant!  I know this is insane, seeing as I have never been pregnant.  But I feel less pregnant than I did on previous cycles (now are you getting the idea of how crazy this talk is about to become).  It has nothing to do with symptoms, it’s all in my head.  I have very sore boobs (which I only had on the first cycle, but I swear these are worse).  I know this simply means that my progesterone levels are nice and high and all I read into that symptom is that with progesterone being high my body is exactly as it should be to sustain a pregnancy – that doesn’t mean there is a pregnancy.  I have a headache, not sure why this is supposed to mean anything, except that I am clearly stressed.  I have had this headache since Saturday afternoon, it eases, then throbs, then gets a bit better again.  I am moody as all hell, but that’s really not at all unusual!

My poor hubby – I did something really silly this weekend.  Since our first IVF I have fancied going away for a weekend in the middle of our 2ww.  I figure it would work as a great distraction and help to pass the time.  So early last week I suggested we go away and Chris said no, he didn’t think it would be a good idea as he might need to work the weekend.  When it was confirmed that he wouldn’t work the weekend, I brought it up again and suggested we go away again and again he said no.  So I started to think that maybe, just maybe he had already booked us something, but wanted it to be a surprise.  So the next day I suggested if we didn;t go away that at least we should take a drive along the coast and go for a lunch somewhere out of town.  He got a little smile on his lips and said okay.  So I was convinced, yes he MUST have booked us something for the weekend.

On Friday someone came and asked me if I would cover for her at work over the weekend and I said, well probably not as I am sure Chris has booked us something.  So I phoned him and asked him what he thought about me working over the weekend… and he said, “well if you want to”.  I was gutted.  He didn’t book anything.  I completely built this stupid thing up in my head that simply didn’t exist.  The poor guy managed to disappointment me thanks to my own lunacy!

Anyway we resorted to great retail therapy instead and the weekend passed, now how do I get the next three days to pass???

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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7 Responses to It’s Official – I am Crazy!

  1. Heather says:

    thinking of you…
    ps retail therapy is always good…
    have just spend a weekend on camp 🙂

  2. Pamela says:

    i feel for you… this waiting game makes you crazy…. I agree retail therapy is the best or a nice facial or a movie or cake and tea with a very funny friend….. FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU GUYS… XX

  3. Cam says:

    It is the craziest time…don’t know how we are supposed to remain sane! I think it gets worse hun, the more we know, the more we hope….I am sending you armfuls of peace and tranquility from some other awesome source as I have none left…don’t you wish we could press fwd!!!!!! Holding everything tight for you hun xxx

  4. Sharon says:

    It is the very very very worst time. Because your head is telling you one thing and your heart is screaming something else.
    Hang in there!

  5. samcy says:

    You’re not crazy – you’re normal… that is what is so shit about this process – the over analysing of “symptoms” and then putting it down to the hormones we’re pumping in our bodies… it’s a horrible, horrible process BUT it can also be SO darn worth it…

    Thinking of you and hoping and praying that we get GREAT news on Thursday.

    xxx

  6. tasivfer says:

    I’m so sorry; I wish I had a magic wand to make the wait disappear! It will – but only after and endlessly long wait. You’re totally normal in your craziness. Chances are the time is going to get even slower as you approach test time. Sorry – I could lie, but it’s no use.

    How about a West Wing marathon in the mean time? It won’t make the time go faster, but it’s an excuse!

  7. Foxypopcorn says:

    Where have I been? I missed all of this! So here I go reading back thru the most exciting month of your life, knowing that the outcome is going to fill my little heart with hope.

    So here I am, nearing the end of my 2ww and wishing that my dh could read my mind 🙂 and also wishing so much that I had some symptom. I felt for sure on our other two cycles that I was pregnant, but this time around, I just don’t know. I really wish that I knew. 🙂

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