This wait to test day has been the worst ever! EVER! All previous cycles seem easy in comparison. I’m really not sure why this one is so much worse, but the rollercoaster just will not let up.
I have never been so all consumed by the wait. I find I simply cannot concentrate on ANYTHING at work. It is made worse by the fact that work has gone from full on, hectic and stressful with plenty to keep me distracted to quiet. Not to say I don’t still have work to do, but all I want to do it stare at the images on www.visembryo.com. I want to stare at those images and hope beyond all words that my embryos (well at least one of them) is looking like that and doing what it says they should be doing. I want a little monitor that they could have put on my embies before transfer which just tells me every second that they are still alive. By now they have either implanted or they haven’t – nothing can change the outcome.
I am about to depart on the crazy talk, so brace yourself…
I don’t feel pregnant! I know this is insane, seeing as I have never been pregnant. But I feel less pregnant than I did on previous cycles (now are you getting the idea of how crazy this talk is about to become). It has nothing to do with symptoms, it’s all in my head. I have very sore boobs (which I only had on the first cycle, but I swear these are worse). I know this simply means that my progesterone levels are nice and high and all I read into that symptom is that with progesterone being high my body is exactly as it should be to sustain a pregnancy – that doesn’t mean there is a pregnancy. I have a headache, not sure why this is supposed to mean anything, except that I am clearly stressed. I have had this headache since Saturday afternoon, it eases, then throbs, then gets a bit better again. I am moody as all hell, but that’s really not at all unusual!
My poor hubby – I did something really silly this weekend. Since our first IVF I have fancied going away for a weekend in the middle of our 2ww. I figure it would work as a great distraction and help to pass the time. So early last week I suggested we go away and Chris said no, he didn’t think it would be a good idea as he might need to work the weekend. When it was confirmed that he wouldn’t work the weekend, I brought it up again and suggested we go away again and again he said no. So I started to think that maybe, just maybe he had already booked us something, but wanted it to be a surprise. So the next day I suggested if we didn;t go away that at least we should take a drive along the coast and go for a lunch somewhere out of town. He got a little smile on his lips and said okay. So I was convinced, yes he MUST have booked us something for the weekend.
On Friday someone came and asked me if I would cover for her at work over the weekend and I said, well probably not as I am sure Chris has booked us something. So I phoned him and asked him what he thought about me working over the weekend… and he said, “well if you want to”. I was gutted. He didn’t book anything. I completely built this stupid thing up in my head that simply didn’t exist. The poor guy managed to disappointment me thanks to my own lunacy!
Anyway we resorted to great retail therapy instead and the weekend passed, now how do I get the next three days to pass???