I woke up this morning, rolled into Chris’ arms and burst into tears. I cannot take the waiting anymore. The problem is I am now carrying too much baggage of test days that don’t turn out the way I had hoped and dreamed and planned. Test days where we don’t get to make that call to my sister which I know will make her cry telling her she is going to be the best aunt EVER! Test days where we don’t get to go tell my in-laws that all the dreams have come true. Test days where instead of sitting on the phone making one awesome call after another, I am sending sms’s so people don’t have to hear the crack in my voice as I say over and over again, it didn’t work this time. Instead we face test days filled with “Don’t give up” messages. And I can’t bear that thought.
Dr S called me this morning and while we were chatting he reminded me how beautiful those embies were and how they are the best embies we have ever had and he said again how hopeful he is that this will work out differently for us this time. Have I mentioned how much I love him? He asked how I was coping and I had to admit that I have officially lost the plot, he laughed a little and then I totally embarrassed myself and begged him to let me test early. I said I really needed to be put out of my misery, would it really be so bad if I just wandered down the road and got some blood taken today (8DP3DT). He begged me not to, he said I would just cause myself so much more stress. I know that, I just needed to be talked down from the edge again.
Anyway, so now we are down to 2 sleeps and I swear time is moving in reverse. Every minute is an hour, an hour is a day, a day is a week and a week is month. On this scale of time movement the two days until I have my results are actually much more like two weeks, yes a two week wait in just two days. Well that’s how it feels.
It struck me the other day that we have done a couple of things differently this time and I think they may be signs of us being jaded and cautious and working more on protecting our hearts than being positive. Every embie that has gone back on board has been named in the past, this time we have no names for our embies. By now in the 2ww we have moved to talk of baby names and girls v boys and twins v singletons. And normally we have also planned out step by step who will be told, when and how and in what order. Not this time…
Waiting waiting waiting! And no I will NOT be passing the time by peeing on sticks!