Begging my Doctor

I woke up this morning, rolled into Chris’ arms and burst into tears.  I cannot take the waiting anymore.  The problem is I am now carrying too much baggage of test days that don’t turn out the way I had hoped and dreamed and planned.  Test days where we don’t get to make that call to my sister which I know will make her cry telling her she is going to be the best aunt EVER!  Test days where we don’t get to go tell my in-laws that all the dreams have come true.  Test days where instead of sitting on the phone making one awesome call after another, I am sending sms’s so people don’t have to hear the crack in my voice as I say over and over again, it didn’t work this time.  Instead we face test days filled with “Don’t give up” messages.  And I can’t bear that thought. 


Dr S called me this morning and while we were chatting he reminded me how beautiful those embies were and how they are the best embies we have ever had and he said again how hopeful he is that this will work out differently for us this time.  Have I mentioned how much I love him?  He asked how I was coping and I had to admit that I have officially lost the plot, he laughed a little and then I totally embarrassed myself and begged him to let me test early.  I said I really needed to be put out of my misery, would it really be so bad if I just wandered down the road and got some blood taken today (8DP3DT).  He begged me not to, he said I would just cause myself so much more stress.  I know that, I just needed to be talked down from the edge again.


Anyway, so now we are down to 2 sleeps and I swear time is moving in reverse.  Every minute is an hour, an hour is a day, a day is a week and a week is month.  On this scale of time movement the two days until I have my results are actually much more like two weeks, yes a two week wait in just two days.  Well that’s how it feels. 


It struck me the other day that we have done a couple of things differently this time and I think they may be signs of us being jaded and cautious and working more on protecting our hearts than being positive.  Every embie that has gone back  on board has been named in the past, this time we have no names for our embies.  By now in the 2ww we have moved to talk of baby names and girls v boys and twins v singletons.  And normally we have also planned out step by step who will be told, when and how and in what order.  Not this time…


Waiting waiting waiting!  And no I will NOT be passing the time by peeing on sticks!

About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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11 Responses to Begging my Doctor

  1. Cam says:

    From one crazy to another….it is all crazy and doesn’t stop after BT day!!! Just try to take the odd breath in between hun cos I keep forgetting xxxx Thinking of you so much xxx

  2. Sharon says:

    Well done on not POAS! I was always addicted to those bloody things and all they did was increase my anxiety levels 10 fold.
    Nothing to do except keep swinging one foot in front of the other!
    Till Thursday! When we will exhale!

  3. samcy says:

    I’m glad that Dr S talked you out of testing early – a low + would have completely sent you over the edge with stress. When you get that +, you want it to be a good solid number. Not something else to stress and obsess over (ok so you’ll obsess over a good one too but not in the same negative way)…

    I know it seems like time is dragging, but soon it will be Thursday. Soon we’ll know.

    Thinking of you and hoping and praying as always.


  4. Shame man, hang in there. I am hoping to hear good news soon.

  5. hanneke001 says:

    Hang in there hun, its not easy i know, 2 more sleeps and i am sure you will get the best news ever !!

  6. Emily Erin says:

    Holding good thoughts for you and hoping that Thursday comes soon!

  7. Magic Mama says:

    Breathe. You are so very close. Thinking of you!

  8. K says:

    Hang in there. Thursday is almost here. Two more sleeps, two more sleeps, two more sleeps.

    Thank you for the comment via creme de la creme. Waiting and hoping with you…


  9. tasivfer says:

    Your doctor sounds so incredibly kind. As bad as this wait is, it would be sooo much worse without the wonderful people you do have around you. Thinking of you all.

  10. Coco says:

    One more sleep guys. I suggest a dinner and movie tonight! Deep breaths you are almost there.

  11. Yvonne says:

    Good luck! One more sleep to go!

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