I have a total and utter one track mind, there is literally NOTHING else that can squeeze into my head right now. There were times on the IF road where I thought I had a one track mind, but that was NOTHING compared to where I am at right now.
I have started my homework for this new and amazing course of study I am doing, “How to be Parent” and am trying desperately to devour every written word on pregnancy. Now I know someone is going to say that I shouldn’t read too much as it will just all end up a jumble in my head and confuse me, but for now I need to gather all the information I possibly can. I spent so much time gathering all the information I possibly could on how to get to this point, but never dared to think beyond seeing a BFP. And now I find myself the other side of that and I feel totally and utterly inadequately prepared for this new journey. How on earth can they allow you to have a baby without doing extensive studies and being required to pass with flying colours. How can you not need a doctorate to bring up the next generation.
Now I am very aware that as a recovering infertile, I am probably a little highly strung about pregnancy, which is probably why I don’t have enough hours in the day to read everything I should be reading and learn everything I feel like I need to know. I am also all too aware that no one can possibly ever know everything there is to know about parenting. I also realise that reading about it does not mean I will get it right.
On a separate note, I am totally embracing the positive and awesomeness of this feeling. I have read of so many women who finally fall pregnant and are consumed by the fear and I really thought I would be one of them, but somehow, I am just soaking up every second and only have the occasional moment of ‘what if’, probably no more than any fertile who is pregnant. I have surprised myself on this one. Then yesterday I told my boss that the IVF finally worked and I am finally pregnant and his response was to tell me to look after myself and also to look after my emotions because you never know. I mean what kind of idiot tells a newly pregnant woman that things could go wrong? Don’t you just say ‘Congratulations and take care of yourself’. I felt like saying to him, I’m an infertile, I spent every spare minute of the last two years reading everything about infertility and reading the experiences of other people, do you think I don’t know that things can go wrong. How dare he piss on my parade!
I read the blog of a woman who had a late term miscarriage and she was so sad that she had not enjoyed every moment that she had that baby with her, that she had not revelled in it more. I will enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, I will not allow negativity and fear to ruin this experience that I worked so hard for. I have no doubt there will be days where that is harder to live by. I know that the fear will be there in the back of my mind. But I do not want to protect my heart! I do not want to not fall in love with this little life, just in case. I want to love this child (these children) with every ounce of love I have in me.