All Consuming

I have a total and utter one track mind, there is literally NOTHING else that can squeeze into my head right now.  There were times on the IF road where I thought I had a one track mind, but that was NOTHING compared to where I am at right now.

I have started my homework for this new and amazing course of study I am doing, “How to be Parent” and am trying desperately to devour every written word on pregnancy.  Now I know someone is going to say that I shouldn’t read too much as it will just all end up a jumble in my head and confuse me, but for now I need to gather all the information I possibly can.  I spent so much time gathering all the information I possibly could on how to get to this point, but never dared to think beyond seeing a BFP.  And now I find myself the other side of that and I feel totally and utterly inadequately prepared for this new journey.  How on earth can they allow you to have a baby without doing extensive studies and being required to pass with flying colours.  How can you not need a doctorate to bring up the next generation.

Now I am very aware that as a recovering infertile, I am probably a little highly strung about pregnancy, which is probably why I don’t have enough hours in the day to read everything I should be reading and learn everything I feel like I need to know.  I am also all too aware that no one can possibly ever know everything there is to know about parenting.  I also realise that reading about it does not mean I will get it right.

On a separate note, I am totally embracing the positive and awesomeness of this feeling.  I have read of so many women who finally fall pregnant and are consumed by the fear and I really thought I would be one of them, but somehow, I am just soaking up every second and only have the occasional moment of ‘what if’, probably no more than any fertile who is pregnant.  I have surprised myself on this one.  Then yesterday I told my boss that the IVF finally worked and I am finally pregnant and his response was to tell me to look after myself and also to look after my emotions because you never know.  I mean what kind of idiot tells a newly pregnant woman that things could go wrong?  Don’t you just say ‘Congratulations and take care of yourself’.  I felt like saying to him, I’m an infertile, I spent every spare minute of the last two years reading everything about infertility and reading the experiences of other people, do you think I don’t know that things can go wrong.  How dare he piss on my parade!

I read the blog of a woman who had a late term miscarriage and she was so sad that she had not enjoyed every moment that she had that baby with her, that she had not revelled in it more.  I will enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, I will not allow negativity and fear to ruin this experience that I worked so hard for.  I have no doubt there will be days where that is harder to live by.  I know that the fear will be there in the back of my mind.  But I do not want to protect my heart!  I do not want to not fall in love with this little life, just in case.  I want to love this child (these children) with every ounce of love I have in me.


About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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13 Responses to All Consuming

  1. samcy says:

    J, I’m glad that you are embracing this in such an open and joyful manner. That you ARE revelling in it. Cos you should. You should be happy, you should be making plans. Good on you for not letting IF rob you of your joy.

    For me I set a time frame in my head (cos of all the hectic bleeding I was experiencing) I told myself that should I get past 12 weeks with all fine that I would consciously stop allowing myself to be fearful. And I did.

    Can’t wait for news of your first scan.


  2. Sweets says:

    Regardless of even considering those things, enjoy every minute of it! Before you know it it will be over, and you will be stressing out because you have not planned enough for the next step 😉

  3. Kitty8218 says:

    I think you’re doing an amazing job at keeping positive and allowing yourself the oppurtunity to revel in achieving pregnancy. The preparation is the next natural step and you have a good 9 months of preparation for this little one(s) 🙂

    Congratulations again and congrats on the positive attitude, it’s all about making the choice that’s right for you and I am proud of you for taking the postitive route!

    Enjoy it, every second of it. You’ve both worked so very hard to reach this point and you are more than deserving!


  4. Bratty says:

    Being pregnant is the most wonderful gift you can ever be given. Throw you heart and soul behind it…..because you are “so” pregnant…smile

    It looks like you are will be due in November….little Scorpio babies….it was a year ago this time that we found out we were pregnant…

    Get Chris to serve you hand and foot….you are building a

  5. Coco says:

    I wish I had your strength. I am 32 weeks, and with the constant fear of m/c, a downs scare and now a placenta that is calcifying I am sad to say that so far 90% of my pregnancy I did not enjoy. IF has robbed my of enjoying my pregnancy! IF as you know is a real bitch – sorry don’t know if swearing is allowed. Prepare and read as much as you can, but decide what works for you and chuck the rest. Find out about the fun stuff too, furniture, bottles, car seats etc. (Take Chris and go to a Baby City (not to buy but to see all the choices, makes, products), you will get the fright of your lives as you will not know where to start, and reading up about baby monitors, car seats, bottles etc can take days!!!! Trust me, before you know it 9 months have passed. I am now running around trying to find out about ante natal classes. We left ordering baby furniture also very late, as I was scared of having a beautiful nursery an no baby. Furniture takes 6 to 8 weeks to deliver! (I am still waiting for delivery).

    Please have loads of fun and enjoy every moment, do it on behalf of me as well, as I can not do so any more.

  6. Emily Erin says:

    I got a wonderful book, “The Belly Book” which does a fantastic job of helping you stay in the moment with your pregnancy. It encourages you to take weekly belly pictures (even when you’re not showing and you just feel fat) and has a little space for notes. I loved mine, and can re-live pregnancy in a small way now that the little one is here, but for times when I was terrified, I took my picture as an expression of hope and my small way of spitting into infertility’s eye. Pregnancy day by day is also good, but it was more than I could do to read about every day’s fetal development, and it didn’t leave places for pictures, but it did offer space at the end of each week for notes, and it encouraged me to measure my girth and track my weight– I preferred taking pictures, personally.

    In any case, all of this is to say that I hope that you are able to find something wonderful to help you keep this spirit of celebration, and know that we’re all celebrating right along with you. Hugs from across the pond!

  7. darylfaure says:

    Enjoy every moment, revel in the feelings and sensations. I loved being pregnant (ok I could have done without the last few weeks), and feel sad knowing I will probably never experience that incredible time again. I’ve got lots of books as well if you want more literature.

  8. Hi there! I’m dropping in from ICLW and am so happy for you! Congratulations!!!! When I was pregnant, I worked really hard to be positive, even though I was scared, so I hear you. My philosophy was like yours though, I wanted to enjoy it, so every morning I woke up and told myself “today I’m pregnant” and I just enjoyed that day. Enjoy every minute and every day, you’ve earned it! Being scared isn’t going to keep something bad from happening and it’s not going to make it any easier if it does. I can’t wait to hear how things are going. Good luck!

  9. tasivfer says:

    It is SO wonderful reading of someone who is just able to give everything – all her thoughts and all her joy – to her pregnancy! I’d be a bit jealous, but I have to accept that what I am, I am. But it makes reading this soooo lovely!

  10. Yvonne says:

    Lovely post, it’s great that you are revelling in your pregnancy. The times goes so quickly and before you know it the baby is here. I wish I stressed less with my first pregnancy but it is difficult if you are a hardened infertile. I definitely agree with reading up a lot and take from it what you want – you only have one chance to raise your child correctly so why not learn from other people’s mistakes. It’s amazing, when people buy a new cell phone or car they do all the research to find the right model etc etc, but when they have a baby they do no research and this is probably their most important/precious acquisition. Btw – i am due in October, and also saw Dr S at VP!

  11. Cam says:

    You said it!!!!!! And I am starting to believe it….oh how I want to revel and not let fear ruin it for me. So from tomorrow I am also going to wake up every morning and say “I am pregnant today and I am so grateful”


  12. Shona says:

    You are right to try and enjoy every moment. I am much less nervous on this second IVF pregnancy than I was on my first. I was so worried, I didn’t really believe I was having a baby until the second trimester. I was trying not to get myhopes up in case it all went long.

    I feel a bit more relaxed about this one, though I am still being super cautious.


  13. Foxypopcorn says:

    Love your attitude and can’t wait to join you on the awesome Ship SS Revel!

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