So since we got the news I have read non-stop. One of my BFFs bought be “The Pregnancy Bible” and lent me her copy of “Pregnancy Week by Week”, I bought Sister Lillian’s book and “What to Expect” and then just in case I didn’t have enough information I have bought last month’s and this month’s copies of “Living and Loving” and “Your Pregnancy”. Oh and then there is the Kindle copy of “Taboo Secrets of Pregnancy”, which I am more than half way through. Yup I have been reading non-stop. The books are all fab, I especially love the “Bible”, it really goes into detail and is full of hints and tips and suggestions and is structured in themes so perfectly complements the week by week guide which is structured in well… week by week.
Of course all this reading is resulting in questions for Dr S and things to think about and consider, but really this wait for the scan is a kind of limbo. I know I am pregnant, I believe it even if I don’t feel it very much, but until we have seen what is actually in there, until that first scan I am just not sure it is very real.
For example, I will not post in the “Preggo’s Room” on Fertilicare yet, but feel like such an idiot and insensitive cow for continuing to post in the “TTC Vets Room”. I know I have crossed over, but until I have a heartbeat, I can’t quite make the move.
I cannot wait to get out there and start buying things, planning properly and getting organised (Control Freak? Who Me???), but every time I think about it I am completely overwhelmed by the enormity of that action. Every time I look at a baby item I am filled with doubts, not doubts that our baby will wear it, but doubts over whether it is the right thing. I feel like until I have seen a scan I just can’t move forward properly. The other day I was in Woolies and saw the cutest Springbok baby grow! Absolutely perfect! But I couldn’t buy it because what if we have two babies, or three, I can’t only buy one and would I want two that are the same or would I want to give them their individuality. Should I buy the two different ones because if there is one baby it will be two outfits, and if there are two then they will each have one, but they will be different. Or should I leave these little things for other people to buy? And really I want Chris to be with me when I finally cave in and buy something for our baby(ies).
Our baby does have a few little things already. That beautiful blanket my MIL was crocheting is finished and came home last weekend and is in the spare room, which will soon be the nursery. We got a free pacifier in a magazine and that has been put in the drawer, we have a little taglet that Chris bought during our first IVF as he embraced positivity (luckily I never knew this was in the house until our BFP or I would have cried many tears into that taglet already), we have bum and face cloths (that I actually bought for someone else, but ended up not being invited to her baby shower, so now they are for our baby) and we have the teddy that was my Mom’s that I kept especially for our one-day baby.
But I just can’t seem to buy anything yet, I have tried and I want to but I am overcome by indecision. And so I read my books, they help me to start processing what is clearly happening without having to actually take any action.