I am sorry I have been so scarce, but the last few weeks have been rough and it just doesn’t feel right to complain about pregnancy. Because above all I am still so damn grateful to have these precious babies on board and if they are making their mother suffer, well I waited all this time for just these symptoms and so I can’t complain (well not publically anyway).
When last you heard from me I was a little over 8 weeks pregnant, now here we sit at 11 weeks today! With TWO beautiful babies growing healthily and dancing for their parents at our latest scan. We had our last scan with the Fertility Clinic and my amazing Dr S at 9 weeks and I have to admit I cried like a baby. Well partly I am sure it was pregnancy hormone emotions, partly it was seeing that both Sausage and Pudding had DOUBLED in size in just one week and Sausage did a little dance for us and waved at us. But there was so much sadness saying goodbye to the clinic. I miss Dr S so much, his patience and kindness and gentleness and humbleness. When we got all gushy with our thanks to him, he so humbly said “it’s all the big guy not me”. Of course Chris and I being the heathens that we are thought he was talking about Prof Kruger and it took a few moments for us to realise he was actually talking about the BIG guy (you know the one upstairs that so many people have such faith in – not this is not the time for religious discussion). How can you create such miracles every day and still be so humble. Sr Smiley was fabulous and begged me to stay in touch and keep her updated on our progress and for us to bring back our babies when they arrive. It was such a bittersweet day, so thrilled to be graduating to a ‘normal’ pregnancy and yet so sad to be leaving behind the amazing people who did so much to work our miracle, who were so supportive and caring and who held our hands through the really tough days. How do you say thank you to a team who gave you two babies? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING seems so inadequate.
Then earlier this week we had our first appointment with our OB. Dr V seems great (early days hence the hedging), he was really good at answering all our questions and even anticipating some of them. Then we went in for the examination. Of course when he told me to lie down, I asked him if I should drop my trousers first, he said “no” and while I was wondering how he was going to scan me in that case it occurred to me that we have finally graduated away from wandy! Yes we now have external scans. I was a little mortified at offering to drop my pants for him, but I explained that you can always tell an infertility patient, they assume when they see a doctor they should drop their pants. He did have the grace to laugh. And then we saw the kids. Oh Boy, they are really starting to look more normal (not little aliens anymore). They were both dancing a jig for us this time. So busy and then he turned on the sound and I started bawling! We heard those very precious heartbeats. OH MY WORD, there is just no sound like it. Nothing can ever take away from me the sound of our children’s hearts beating to strongly (and FAST), just sitting here typing about it I have tears in my eyes again. In fact during the scan I started really sobbing with pure joy. For the first time it felt so real that we really and truly are leaving the world of infertility behind us. The pain of the last few years just disappeared into insignificance and all I can think is how precious and special our children are. How privileged we are to be able to experience the miracle of life growing. How awesome an experience. I think all the years I imagined what it would feel like to be pregnant, I just had no idea at all, the reality os so much bigger in every dimension than I could have ever imagined.
So the babies are doing beautifully, Sausage is actually lying on top of Pudding and is the bigger baby, with the slower heartbeat (old wives tales will tell us these are signs he is our boy). Pudding’s little heart was racing at 190 beats a minute! (supposed to be a sign of a girl). Funny enough from our first scan when we named them I find myself referring to Sausage as he and Pudding as her. Well two weeks from today we will have our Foetal Anomaly Scan and fingers crossed we should know what they are, is it one of each or are we going all pink or all blue? Another one of those misconceptions, I thought that it was rubbish when I asked women what they wanted to have and they just said a healthy baby. It really is true. I don’t care if they are girls or boys or one of each, as Chris keeps saying, “so long as we have 20 fingers and 20 toes on board and they are healthy, it will be perfect!”