Bad Blogger

So ICLW has come around again and I swear the last time I posted it seems it must have been ICLW, well not quite, but…

Biggest news was a pathetic scare last week.  Yes all totally in my head, but you know how these things go.  Last Monday the babies had been quiet, not quite as much movement as usual, but I have been extremely busy at work, so I tried not to focus too much on it.  Tuesday I spent with my MIL working on the bedding and again with all the odd angles of my body for cutting fabric etc I never felt very much movement, but what I did feel all came from my right side (our little girl trying to rearrange her Mommy’s ribs).  I mentioned to Chris that I was a little concerned that I hadn’t ‘heard’ from our boy much, but was still working on not panicking.

The Wednesday the whole day, nothing down the left side, NOTHING!  By the time Chris got home from work I simply burst into tears, I was a nervous wreck.  I was terrified.  So my darling sinply got in the car to pick up our doppler (which we had lent to a friend) to put my mind at ease.  Of course there was his heartbeat straight away, nice and strong and the tears of relief then flowed.  And then he gave a good strong kick!

The whole incident was silly I am sure, but scared the living daylights out of me.  All I kept thinking was that I could NOT under any circumstances deal with loosing one of these babies.  It set me to thinking about pregnancy and how it progresses in the head.

For me the first three weeks between getting the positive and waiting to see the heartbeat(s) was the hardest.  So full of uncertainty, even though our betas were awesome, it was all so surreal and hard to digest.  You know in theory you are pregnant but with no symptoms and no scan image to stare at how can it be true after waiting so long.  Shouldn’t something be different?

Then the symptoms started and as hard as the nausea and vomitting and exhaustion and sore boobs are, they are all reassuring, they are all confirmation that you are indeed carrying life.  And maybe when I look back at it now those months were so rough that I could barely focus on anything other than getting through the days.  From there things settled down and the tummy started really showing and I started to feel pregnent.

But besides the way I was feeling physically along the way I fell in love, I fell hard and these tiny little humans became so real and there was/is sooo much to loose.

Now at 26weeks4days and I guess in my third trimester I can see in my minds eye these gorgeous children as ours.  I can ‘see’ them in their carry cots, and in their cots and in their gorgeous pram.  I can ‘see’ them being held so tenderly by Chris, I swear I can almost hear their cries.  I dream about them constantly (of course inmy crazy pregnancy dreams they are always toddlers?)  My scrapbooking has taken on a new energy and there are pages for their photos ready and waiting and some days I can ‘see’ those little faces staring back at me when I look at the scrap pages.  Somewhere in the middle there, these babies went from being an abstract idea which was awesome and what we had been working so hard for to actually being real.  Very real.

A friend of mine just got her BFP (3rd fresh IVF) and she said it hasn’t really sunk in yet.  I remember that feeling, but boy somewhere along the way it became so real.  We are actually going to have a son and a daughter.  And suddenly pregnancy gets really difficult for a whole different reason.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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10 Responses to Bad Blogger

  1. Sweets says:

    And when they are born I promise you, that no matter how much you thought you already loved them, you will not believe how much love you are actually capable of feeling. And you will think that that feeling is good, but it only gets betetr and stronger every day.

    2 year nearly, and I am still amazed, and still cannot believe how it is possible that I love my boy more every single day.

  2. Sweets says:

    I love him so much it actually makes me cry…

  3. Lesley says:

    I found the emotional journey of a pregnancy a life-changing experience.

    One of my overriding feelings on the day that Alex was born was relief that the pregnancy was over and I didn’t have to worry if he was still ok in my tummy. I never completely trusted that he was actually going to be here. I remember thinking at about 6 weeks when Alex had been crying for hours in a colic fit, thinking how wonderful it is that he is here bawling his head off. That means he is very much alive.

  4. Cam says:

    The thought of losing what we love to much already is just unthinkable. If our love will only increase when these babies arrive, how will our hearts hold all of it? I am so there with you… we are getting closer every day xxx

  5. Jem says:

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. No second beta yet, just insomnia.

    Thanks for sharing your pregnancy impressions. IF does a number on your head.

  6. Heather says:

    Sorry about the scare- I would also be in tears. Glad u have made it thus far. 🙂

  7. zygotta says:

    I am sorry you had to experience this.
    My friend was told to eat something sweet and, preferably, cold (ice-cream is perfect) to make the baby move – it works for her like a charm

  8. Willow says:

    You’re so right, as I’ve gotten further along it’s become so real and the live is so strong and thus it’s so scary to think that something could be going wrong in there. Since we reached viability I’ve been terrified that something will happen that could have been prevented if we’d gotten my daughter out sooner. I’m 33 weeks now and last week went into labor & delivery for a non-stress test because I was freaking out that I kept having what apparently were really long contractions–stomach rock-hard for 4 hours didn’t seem normal to me! And she was totally fine. So yeah, right there with you, and I think your concern was really quite normal, and I’m glad you were able to get reassurance that all is well!

  9. Its true…cold and sweet like a drink of orange juice will do the trick! You will worry til they arrive. And then you will worry every day after that, too! Its your new job…Mom. lol
    Hi. I’m Tracey from the Fertility Daily (ICLW # 56).
    I’m an IVF mom of two, who blogs for my old RE as my way of giving back. I’m on a quest to help others TTC, especially those who can’t afford IVF. East Coast Fertility’s giving away a free Micro-IVF cycle and you can enter to win thru 8/28 at http://www.eastcoastfertility.com/about/blog/blog-entry/archive/2011/august/article/ecfs-extreme-family-building-makeover-video-contest/?tx_ttnews%5Bday%5D=01&cHash=a6f7a8f9f3d38be671d74bd524251f81
    Good luck and I hope your baby dreams come true.

  10. samcy says:

    So true, one progresses emotionally as your body grows physically thru the pregnancy. For me, the love I felt for Kade while he was on the inside is NOTHING like the love I feel for him now that he’s with us on the outside. My love grows bigger and stronger every day too… it’s crazy how our hearts just keep expanding and expanding with love.

    You think you know how much you’ll love them, but you’ll never know how much cos it just grows and grows and grows. Amazing.

    xxx

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