So ICLW has come around again and I swear the last time I posted it seems it must have been ICLW, well not quite, but…
Biggest news was a pathetic scare last week. Yes all totally in my head, but you know how these things go. Last Monday the babies had been quiet, not quite as much movement as usual, but I have been extremely busy at work, so I tried not to focus too much on it. Tuesday I spent with my MIL working on the bedding and again with all the odd angles of my body for cutting fabric etc I never felt very much movement, but what I did feel all came from my right side (our little girl trying to rearrange her Mommy’s ribs). I mentioned to Chris that I was a little concerned that I hadn’t ‘heard’ from our boy much, but was still working on not panicking.
The Wednesday the whole day, nothing down the left side, NOTHING! By the time Chris got home from work I simply burst into tears, I was a nervous wreck. I was terrified. So my darling sinply got in the car to pick up our doppler (which we had lent to a friend) to put my mind at ease. Of course there was his heartbeat straight away, nice and strong and the tears of relief then flowed. And then he gave a good strong kick!
The whole incident was silly I am sure, but scared the living daylights out of me. All I kept thinking was that I could NOT under any circumstances deal with loosing one of these babies. It set me to thinking about pregnancy and how it progresses in the head.
For me the first three weeks between getting the positive and waiting to see the heartbeat(s) was the hardest. So full of uncertainty, even though our betas were awesome, it was all so surreal and hard to digest. You know in theory you are pregnant but with no symptoms and no scan image to stare at how can it be true after waiting so long. Shouldn’t something be different?
Then the symptoms started and as hard as the nausea and vomitting and exhaustion and sore boobs are, they are all reassuring, they are all confirmation that you are indeed carrying life. And maybe when I look back at it now those months were so rough that I could barely focus on anything other than getting through the days. From there things settled down and the tummy started really showing and I started to feel pregnent.
But besides the way I was feeling physically along the way I fell in love, I fell hard and these tiny little humans became so real and there was/is sooo much to loose.
Now at 26weeks4days and I guess in my third trimester I can see in my minds eye these gorgeous children as ours. I can ‘see’ them in their carry cots, and in their cots and in their gorgeous pram. I can ‘see’ them being held so tenderly by Chris, I swear I can almost hear their cries. I dream about them constantly (of course inmy crazy pregnancy dreams they are always toddlers?) My scrapbooking has taken on a new energy and there are pages for their photos ready and waiting and some days I can ‘see’ those little faces staring back at me when I look at the scrap pages. Somewhere in the middle there, these babies went from being an abstract idea which was awesome and what we had been working so hard for to actually being real. Very real.
A friend of mine just got her BFP (3rd fresh IVF) and she said it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I remember that feeling, but boy somewhere along the way it became so real. We are actually going to have a son and a daughter. And suddenly pregnancy gets really difficult for a whole different reason.