The title seems a little negative and that’s not really how I feel, but I have never felt so ‘unworthy’ of anything in my life as I feel on this new journey called Motherhood! How can anyone be worthy of this miraculous experience, I don’t think anyone can possibly be good enough, or as good as they would hope to be, at being a Mom.
So our Hope Twins are now 23 days old and everyday does get easier, mostly as we figure out how to read their signals and learn better and better how to best respond to those signals in the way the individual baby needs. But let me tell you that being a Mom and being a twin Mom is not easy! It is such an emotional mind bender. The lack of sleep and constant something to do that people tell you about is NOT what makes being a mother hard, it is the emotions that are wrapped up in these little people. When they said it’s like having your heart walk around outside your body even that doesn’t do justice to how your heart can ache when you look at your miracles, or when they give off that little strangled mewly cry.
I guess I made things harder on myself in a number of ways with my own expectations and fixed ideas on how I would do things and my independence and delays in making proper plans for support. I think I honestly thought I could do it all alone with only occassional help. It never really REALLY occurred to me what TWO babies actually meant. I had visions of our days together with an occassional visitor, but not with someone being in our space all day! I had visions of a baby latched at each boob and never stopped to think about how I would get them there without help or get them to latch or keep them latched. Most of all I could never have anticipated how emotional feeding your baby who relies on you in every way would be. I need a whole post on breastfeeding as I owe you all an apology on my post about breastfeeding from the other side (the pre-mommy side), but another day.
Truth be told, we have it easy (touch wood) so far. Our babies like to sleep and, now they are over the jaundice, they like to eat. They really only cry when hungry or Sausage cries especially if you delay a feed by changing his nappy. He also doesn’t like being undressed so cries then too. Or they cry when they have winds or get over stimulated, but really these little heart wrenching cries are few and far between. Pudding doesn’t like to go to sleep after the 9pm feed so inevitably ends up sleeping in the bed with Mom and Dad in Mommy’s arms for an hour or so. Yes I didn’t think I would do this, but I need to sleep so I can be the best Mommy possible during the day too. And last night we had both Sausage and Pudding in Mommy’s arms for a little while. And you know what I love nothing more than on the rare occassion I can have them both in my arms at the same time.
The things I wish for that would make me more worthy of being Mom and carer and feeder and soother to these little people include an extra pair of arms that could sprout from my body when required, more breastmilk, nipples that aren’t flat, the ability to not sleep (so I can just soak up the sight of them more), the hormones that make me so teary to go away, a full time domestic who can keep my house running so I can concentrate on nothing but my children.
And above all else, my one wish is that Chris didn’t have to work so hard, that he could be home more of the awake hours, that we could be the complete family more of the time. I cannot express how much better everything is when Chris is here, how much more time I seem to have for him, for the precious babes, for myself when he is here. How much smoother everything runs. We are such a great team and while he is at work no matter who is here with me I feel isolated and like half a person. You see now I am defined as parent and I think there is a reason it takes two people to make a baby, because parents should come in twos to make the job smoother and provide each other with the support and love and strength to keep the little people happy and healthy.
I have spent a fair amount of time in the last few weeks thinking about what I should have done differently, thinking about what advice I wish I could go back in time and give myself while planning for their arrival. There are lots of things, but the pregnant me wouldn’t have listened. But I wish I could scrub away the expectations I set for myself so I could just be the best Mommy I know how to be without constantly judging myself against the standard that the niaive pregnant and pre-mommy me set for myself.
* sorry if this post is full of typos, but laptop broken so post written from Blackberry