When Your Best Just Isn’t Enough

The title seems a little negative and that’s not really how I feel, but I have never felt so ‘unworthy’ of anything in my life as I feel on this new journey called Motherhood! How can anyone be worthy of this miraculous experience, I don’t think anyone can possibly be good enough, or as good as they would hope to be, at being a Mom.

So our Hope Twins are now 23 days old and everyday does get easier, mostly as we figure out how to read their signals and learn better and better how to best respond to those signals in the way the individual baby needs. But let me tell you that being a Mom and being a twin Mom is not easy! It is such an emotional mind bender. The lack of sleep and constant something to do that people tell you about is NOT what makes being a mother hard, it is the emotions that are wrapped up in these little people. When they said it’s like having your heart walk around outside your body even that doesn’t do justice to how your heart can ache when you look at your miracles, or when they give off that little strangled mewly cry.

I guess I made things harder on myself in a number of ways with my own expectations and fixed ideas on how I would do things and my independence and delays in making proper plans for support. I think I honestly thought I could do it all alone with only occassional help. It never really REALLY occurred to me what TWO babies actually meant. I had visions of our days together with an occassional visitor, but not with someone being in our space all day! I had visions of a baby latched at each boob and never stopped to think about how I would get them there without help or get them to latch or keep them latched. Most of all I could never have anticipated how emotional feeding your baby who relies on you in every way would be. I need a whole post on breastfeeding as I owe you all an apology on my post about breastfeeding from the other side (the pre-mommy side), but another day.

Truth be told, we have it easy (touch wood) so far. Our babies like to sleep and, now they are over the jaundice, they like to eat. They really only cry when hungry or Sausage cries especially if you delay a feed by changing his nappy. He also doesn’t like being undressed so cries then too. Or they cry when they have winds or get over stimulated, but really these little heart wrenching cries are few and far between. Pudding doesn’t like to go to sleep after the 9pm feed so inevitably ends up sleeping in the bed with Mom and Dad in Mommy’s arms for an hour or so. Yes I didn’t think I would do this, but I need to sleep so I can be the best Mommy possible during the day too. And last night we had both Sausage and Pudding in Mommy’s arms for a little while. And you know what I love nothing more than on the rare occassion I can have them both in my arms at the same time.

The things I wish for that would make me more worthy of being Mom and carer and feeder and soother to these little people include an extra pair of arms that could sprout from my body when required, more breastmilk, nipples that aren’t flat, the ability to not sleep (so I can just soak up the sight of them more), the hormones that make me so teary to go away, a full time domestic who can keep my house running so I can concentrate on nothing but my children.

And above all else, my one wish is that Chris didn’t have to work so hard, that he could be home more of the awake hours, that we could be the complete family more of the time. I cannot express how much better everything is when Chris is here, how much more time I seem to have for him, for the precious babes, for myself when he is here. How much smoother everything runs. We are such a great team and while he is at work no matter who is here with me I feel isolated and like half a person. You see now I am defined as parent and I think there is a reason it takes two people to make a baby, because parents should come in twos to make the job smoother and provide each other with the support and love and strength to keep the little people happy and healthy.

I have spent a fair amount of time in the last few weeks thinking about what I should have done differently, thinking about what advice I wish I could go back in time and give myself while planning for their arrival. There are lots of things, but the pregnant me wouldn’t have listened. But I wish I could scrub away the expectations I set for myself so I could just be the best Mommy I know how to be without constantly judging myself against the standard that the niaive pregnant and pre-mommy me set for myself.

* sorry if this post is full of typos, but laptop broken so post written from Blackberry

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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8 Responses to When Your Best Just Isn’t Enough

  1. darylfaure says:

    Oh hun – being a mom to a newborn is no joke, and multiply that by 2, well all I can say is RESPECT sister. Trust me when I say you will still throw out many of your pre-conceived ideas, and do things you swore you would never do. My advice, is to do whatever you need to do to get through the early days and weeks. You cannot spoil a baby who is so small, so if it means you get more sleep with them in your bed, taker them into your bed, and don’t waste a moment berating yourself. If people want to come and visit and see the twins, tell them they are welcome, but it will cost them a meal. You will be amazed at how many people want to help, but just don’t know how, and so if you guide them in the right direction, you will make life much easier for yourself. If you don’t already have a bottle of Rescue Remedy, go and buy one right now. It will help calm your runaway emotions, and settle your mind, so that you can sleep better when you do sleep. Most of all, just hang in there. Before you know it you will be planning thier first birthday and this newborn phase will be a lovely memory.

  2. Sweets says:

    What I find incredible is that when I think back now to those early days I remember very little – I remember all the good and happy moments. I hardly even remember having to get up in the middle of the night to feed him! Most of what i thought I would or would not do quickly disappeared – listen to the good advice of Daryl! (I swore I would never let him sleep in my bed and so may other things). And now it is two years down the line, adn while I cannot promise you that you will not still be sleep deprived sometimes, or that you will suddenly know exactly how to do things, I can say that you will just love them even more. My heart aches every time I think of him and he is not with me, and when I look at him my life is complete.

    Good luck!

  3. Wilna says:

    I just want to say congratulations from my side, your babies are beautifull, I like that little heads with the lots of dark hair. Many times during that 1st year I also thought I was nog good enough to be a mother and now 4 years down the line, I still sometimes think so. But I would not change anything and things will just get better and better, I promise you. I also have done things I thought I would never do, but I also learned things about myself that I did not know existist. The advice I always give to my preggie friends and family is, that if something works for you in a certain way and it even does not always have to be the right way, then let it be like that, there is not such a thing as a textbook baby (forget about textbook twins). What Darryl says is very true and I agree with her totally. By the way I went through a couple of bottles of Rescue Remedy during that 1st 6 weeks and I would not have survive without it. Think of you.

  4. Mash says:

    I love these “blown away by my babies” posts that first time moms write. It’s so cute. And this post is so honestly written!

  5. Heather says:

    Sending hugs and support. I think you are doing an amazing job considering you have twin babies and everything is doubled. I am also glad Chris is helping a lot. You are doing a lot of things right even if it doesn’t feel like it I am sure you are doing the best you can.

  6. Cam says:

    It’s hit me like a ton of bricks too hun…but we can only do our best and that will be good enough for our babes…oh ya and let’s GET HELP!!!!!!! I have just decided after a really bad day yesterday that I need more help – WHY am I trying to do this alone? What are we trying to prove? Even with your sister, get a full time char as well Nita – the more help the better…it is a huge job for these special little tots xxx

  7. Sam says:

    My friend. These children God gave us really do blow us away don’t they. I remember just looking at Kade all the time, thinking to myself “I really should be sleeping” but not being able to tear my eyes off of him for one second… And you’re right, its the emotional stuff that makes those first few weeks hard. I think too that cos of our journey’s to get there we set ourselves much higher standards and have much bigger expectations of ourselves instead of just allowing ourselves to do what needs to be done and to feel what we need to feel… My mom came to visit the one Sunday, Kade was 3 weeks old and I was shattered – I remember crying and telling my Mom I was not allowed to be crying cos I had prayed for him for 7 years and why on earth could I not just be happy he was here and that God knew I was a crap Mom and thats why I couldn’t fall pregnant for so long… Messed up hey?

    But now? All i can remember of those early days is the good. His little snarfle feeding noises, his breath in my hair as we slept together on the feeding chair etc.

    You’re doing an amazing job!

    Love to you all
    xxx

  8. Beautiful post! Being a new mom, and especially that of twins is no mean feat. It’s hard, very very hard. And yes, you do need someone to help you tandem feed. To wind one while you have the other. It is exhausting. Full time help, if you can afford it, is certainly the best option.

    Lots of love -pop me a mail if you need help

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