Remember the SNAIF

Do you remember the SNAIF (Sleepless Night Attributed to Infertility)?  I honestly thought that all my sleepless nights going forward would be about my babies.  I never thought infertility would give me another moments restlessness.  But it turns out that when you care about other people their infertility struggles and trials and sadness can ruin a good nights sleep.

Last night I lay in bed worrying about my friends.  My friends who carry scars, my friends who have been through hell, my friends who are still in hell.  I worry about my friends with survivor guilt, the one’s holding their precious angels in their arms and yet feel so guilty that they get to do this when others don’t.  My friends who I know, my friends who I have met, my friends who are only in the interweb.  Even those with their babies are still struggling and that is just not fair.  Why can infertility not just be something we graduate from and leave behind, something that we can heal from, something that the scars fade in time and the pain disappears completely.

Sorry if this is cryptic, but these are not my stories to tell.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
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7 Responses to Remember the SNAIF

  1. Fabulous Mommy says:

    My boys are 14 months old. that means it has been 2 years since I fell pregnant. I still check the forum every day and read the fertility blogs of the people I “know”.

    I still have guilt that it worked so easily for us and a fear that if we try for another baby that it won’t work. The problem is that I know what can go wrong and I can’t just take my fertility for granted.

  2. darylfaure says:

    I hear you!

  3. Sam says:

    I hear you loud and clear.

    Thing is Nita, I believe we walked this path for a reason, so that we could worry about others who are hurting from it, so we can support them, love them, guide them, understand them. It’s woven into the very fabric of our beings and we are forever changed by it. We shouldn’t get over it and move on from it cos it’s a very big part of who we are. Yes we can heal from it and we can enjoy our children to the fullest extent when we’re blessed with them. But to forget and move on? I don’t think so.

    xxx

  4. Maryna says:

    Thanks for this post, J. I’m a bit relieved to hear I’m not the only one who still has those nights. I still read the forum almost daily although I seldom comment now. E.g. I’ll sleep better again after M’s FAS tomorrow – praying all will be well.. But those miscarriages of A and L.. and the termination of B’s baby to save the little one a life of disability and pain.. 😥

    It sometimes feels as if a piece of my heart belongs to each of so many forum babies / angel babies. (Ugh, I can’t make the English grammar work this late in the night, but I hope I make some sense.)

    Looking back, I had it so easy compared to you guys and so many others, yet I think the IF journey becomes part of you once you’ve known its darkness and despair – even after you’ve metaMAMMAmorphosized. It colours the way you look at life, always. You carry the stories of others in your heart and feel their pain tugging at your heart with every precious, precious smile of the baby / child in your arms.

  5. Hear you, hear you.
    I also keep reading the blogs and FC almost daily, (to DH’s big amazement). I maybe purposely (?) do not reply anymore to keep things a bit distance but those sister who struggled at the same time than me, I feel I have a special connection with !!
    I personally feel healed from it because, the outcome of my journey made me and my DH much “bigger” (no the tummy ;-)) than before IF in the sense that we feel “survivors” and we can feel compassion for all kinds of sufferings …. in other words, I feel I have grown from it.
    At the same time, I can see/feel scarves who shaped who I am. And honestly, now that I would love to make my family bigger, I go through the same IF struggles than before. They are not treatment related but so many mothers I met, decided to go for number two and now they are almost giving birth. I decided I go for number 2, and I only get a chance to close all the adoption papers of number 1 …. and have to “beg” and proof I am not too old to have a chance at adopting number 2, knowing in advance that the waiting list is now 2 year !! Sorry for the long post, but although I dare to hope that by God’s Grace, the outcome will be good, I am angry that things are not “easier” !!

  6. amanda says:

    You have a good heart and I don’t think IF never truly leaves a person. It’s too personal a struggle and definitely leaves behind scars.

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