This might be a bit of a rambling post, thoughts swirling in my head the last few days. Might have something to do with being on cortisone which kills my sleep and leaves me lying awake thinking instead of sleeping and then the lack of sleep means my head doesn’t seem to hold a fully coherent thought.
Two friends have been in my thoughts so much lately. One is my oldest friend who for so long was my BFF. I’m not sure why, but she has been in my thoughts so much lately. For a while there I felt like we had drifted apart, but somehow the further away from infertility I get the more I see our common ground again. Last night as I lay in bed listening to Pudding coughing and coughing and coughing (she doesn’t seem to actually be sick, just one of those irritating coughs from a post nasal drip) I wanted to pick up the phone and ask her for one of her home remedies for the cough. In the end I got up and made what I knew Bird would recommend, some honey in warm water and it did seem to relieve Pudding’s cough and we all eventually managed some sleep. And I miss my friend, I miss our long rambling chats, I miss her guidance on healthier lifestyle, and how to grow herbs. I find it hard to believe that I don’t even grow herbs anymore, I want to go back to a bit more of the good life that Bird encouraged in me.
The other friend is one of those weird friendships where we knew each other in person for such a short time and yet got so close. She lives in Australia and she is honestly one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Her smile lights the world even half a world away. When Chris and I went travelling we spent time with her again and we were right back in the deep friendship again. Then time passed and a while ago we found each other on Facebook again. She lives so honestly, so in touch with herself and really seems to touch everyone deeply. I wish we were closer in time and space and even friendship (if that makes any sense). Anyway she too plays on my mind a lot the last little while, I feel like she is reaching across the ocean and encouraging me to step it up.
I think I had a bit of a collapse this week. I have been stressed out, pushing myself and just drained and it has been getting worse. All my own doing, too much pressure to do things the way I ideally want them and not enough allowing things to just be. I’ve been focused on being healthier again (at least with my eating) and it became a bit obsessive. And life with a house to run, a job to hold down, whilst trying to grow the business and handle the accounting, twins in school (which turns out to be much harder than having kids at home), a husband to make time for who is travelling on business so much … anyway all just too much I think. So my body put a stop to it and laid me flat for two days. I can honestly say I have never in my life had a headache like that, turns out it was a pretty hectic sinus infection. And two days of just resting and ignoring the emails and reading has restored some of my energy.
And maybe that’s part of why these two friends are so on my mind, they both are so good at reminding me to be gentle with myself and at showing me a way to do it. I think I need to stop thinking about it and actually go to the Garden Centre and buy some pots and some herbs and get my (and the kids) fingers stuck into the soil, touch the earthiness that reminds me to ground myself a little. And I think I need to keep writing love letters to myself, to my people so that I stay more focused on what really matters REALLY.