On Ice

Before Chris stopped the hormone injections last year, after we were in the second trimester with the precious Hope Babes, we put 13 straws of Chris’ sperm on ice.  They were our insurance policy, in case we wanted more babies.

So Friday we got a bill to pay for another year of storing that sperm.  The bill is tiny, but it brought up the decision.  Are we done?  Are these two perfect babies all the babies we will ever have.  Will we ever go through another IVF to have more babies?  Could we try an IUI for another baby?  Will we stop with our perfect family just as it is right now?

I cannot believe how difficult this is proving to be.  We always only wanted two babies.  We have two perfect angels.  We have our boy and our girl, we have perfection, how can we even consider wanting more?  Isn’t it greedy to want more?

And with my head, I don’t want more.  I know that with our two bits of heaven we can provide them everything they deserve in terms of financial and physical needs, but most importantly in terms of time and love and attention and stimulation and hugs and kisses and one on one time.  With my head I know we are done.  With my head I know we can let that sperm defrost and be thrown away.

But…

Never mind anything else, do you know what we went through for that sperm.  Do you have any idea what my hubby endured to create that sperm.  That sperm is the realisation that a diagnosis at 17 telling him he could never father children was rubbish.  That sperm (together with the Hope Babes) is the realisation of our dreams come true.  Somehow throwing it away just seems wrong on so many levels.

When the Babes outgrew their tiny clothes it was emotionally hard to give those clothes away, it was admitting that I wasn’t putting it away for the next baby.  But as Chris said at the time if we had another baby we would simply buy more clothes, the new baby could have their own new clothes, not hand-me-downs and so I let go of the little clothes.  And as they have outgrown other items I have used the same reasoning to help me let things go.  Some items have proven much harder than others, like their play mat.  For some reason everytime I pack that play mat up to take to the second hand store I cry, I want to see another baby play on that mat.  I loved watching Sausage and Pudding develop and grow stronger and more aware and alert and clever under that mat.  And so the mat still lives in our spare bedroom.

After so long of battling and facing infertility it seems so hard to just walk away now and say we are done.  It seems so hard to accept that I will never be pregnant again.  I loved being pregnant.  That I will never feel a baby kick from the inside again.  That I will never have another chance to experience child birth, having missed the only chance I got under a general anaesthetic.  That I will never get to breastfeed again.  And it seems to totally ridiculously greedy to even want to have all that again, when I have perfection living in my home every day.

And so for now, while the decision has been taken that we are indeed done, we have all the children we need, we will pay for another year of keeping that sperm on ice, because like the play mat I cannot let it go just yet.

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About MommyAtLast

Finally a Mommy to our Medical Miracle IVF Boy / Girl Twins who were born in November 2011. We overcame azoospermia using hormone therapy for my hubby to conceive our precious Hope Babes on our 4th IVF.
This entry was posted in azoospermia, fertility Treatment, Infertility, Male Factor Infertility, Pregnancy, TTC, Twins and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to On Ice

  1. TeeJay says:

    It’s anything but greedy to want more. All of those things you mention about being pregnant and watching your babies grow…those are wonderful things to experience. IF takes so much from us, don’t let it take your hope for another child. Just because you have 2 doesn’t mean you are not allowed to want another one. Having a child brings so much joy and happiness…who wouldn’t want to do it again? You are not greedy, you just have a lot of love to share. I totally understand why you are unable to let go right now. Take your time before making any final decisions about whether or not to expand your family. Don’t let your IF struggles make you feel guilty about wanting the joy of another baby. (((hugs)))

  2. Daryl says:

    I know exactly what you two went through to get those vials of sperm. Only too well. And I can imagine how hard it must be to face letting that go. But you have time. You don’t have to make that decision right now. Your babies are still babies, and they have so many milestones ahead of them! Enjoy every one of them.

  3. Rebecca W says:

    I understand completely…. as an IVF mother, anything frozen in storage is precious, especially given what it took to get to that point in the first place.

  4. Cam says:

    I am so on that page! We have two perfect blasts on ice. How can I let them go??? When I look at the beautiful babies we have with us…there could be two more…I am really struggling with it.

  5. darylfaure says:

    Some decisions shouldn’t be rushed.

  6. I know, I almost feel greedy when I think of a second adoption. I prayed so hard for just one and waitied so long for just one …..and now I have it, and I feel a little greedy for wanting another.
    🙂 I agree with Daryl. Some decisions should not be rushed.

  7. What a tough spot to be in…one of the things I hate most about IF are the decisions we have to navigate that others never even think about and probably don’t even realize exist. It is soo not greedy to want more…that’s natural. If its not a money issue, then don’t rush…take your time and proceed when you are ready.

  8. Sam says:

    Nita, I SO get this. Just because you have 2 perfect babies, just because you’re living the dream, just because you are where you are after a long road does not mean you are not entitled to want more. That you are not entitled to more than 1 blessing, more than 1 pregnancy, more than 1 chance at watching your kids grow up. Those are your scars talking. So pay the bill (well done you’ve already done that), keep those vials on ice. When the time is right you will make a decision either way, but the time for that is definitely not now.

    xxx

  9. Hi from ICLW…I wouldnt let go of the sperm either…you never know what the future may hold so better to have it there and not need it then need it and not have it

  10. tasivfer says:

    I haven’t given away ANY of Sparky’s things. We have one lonely little embyro on ice still, so there is a chance we might have another. But part of me wonders if I want another – I don’t want some stranger taking me away from my boy. But I cannot bear the thought of not being pregnant again and not having a little one again. I feel so fortunately, but still so hungry!

  11. OasisIVF says:

    We are planning a google hangout on Male factor infertility. Would you be interested in joining the panel? For more info – https://www.facebook.com/oasisivf/app_208195102528120

  12. Pingback: Thank You and Farewell | Mommy-at-Last

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