On Friday last week I drove home from work listening to Pink Floyd on full blast in my car. More than two decades ago I wrote a story using ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ as inspiration and hearing those lyrics again after at least a decade was a full flash back. I love music and what it does for me, I think there will always be a soundtrack to my life. How fabulous that I find myself in a quieter space, the music is not so loud and jarring, it is more melodic, it has a more regular beat. The lyrics are happier and lighter and I love approaching my 40s.
I have / had a friend (back in my regular Pink Floyd listening days) who was a musician, and I remember him telling me how he really struggled to write music when he was happy. He recently lost his wife and my heart just aches for him and I wonder if he is writing music again after all those happy years?
I guess what I am saying is that maybe just maybe part of the reason I am struggling to keep this blog going is because I am actually deep down happy and writing about it just sounds smug. That’s not to say I lead a perfect life, but on the balance the space is happy and I am finding my inner strength and confidence and the need for this outlet is disappearing.
On Friday I also received a bill from our fertility specialist for the storage of the frozen sperm. Do you remember over two years ago the angst I felt when I got that bill? The real question, were we really done? We never received the bill last year and I kept meaning to follow up and pay it, to keep that sperm (just in case), but it was never important enough and I never did it. And so I had pretty much assumed the precious hard won sperm was discarded and I was absolutely fine with that. And then the bill arrived (yes it is now for 2 years storage). So I was contemplating this question again. And it did give me pause, but no angst. I will pay the bill and possibly not even tell them to discard it (just in case), but I think I have let it go.
The precious Hope Babes are THREE! Can you believe it? They are fabulous, awesome, hectic, challenging and special little people. I love being their Mamma. I feel like I have found my space and my voice as a Mamma and I am Home. Does that make sense?
Thank you for travelling this journey with me. Thank you to all those who have followed from the beginning. Thank you for all those who supported and added strength through the infertile years. Thank you for those who celebrated finding sperm with us. Thank you to every one of the almost 1,000 of you who were there on the day we finally got our BFP. Thank you to those who have guided me in the Mamma years. This space has helped me grow, you have helped me enter this happy space and for that I will always remember you.
For all the love and support this space has provided me over the years I will keep it open (just in case) but most especially for those that come after I only wish this can give you some HOPE.
All my love and thanks
PS Yes I am crying great big floods of tears as I say Farewell